Client: “Listen, you f***ers, our website is all fuzzy. I don’t know what you’ve done, but it is totally f****** fuzzy.”

Me: “I think you might have problems with your Internet connection. What you’re seeing is some of the images progressively downloading, and—”

Client: “Don’t give me any of that nerdy, numpty, nancy-boy mumbo jumbo. All of the pictures look like s***. If you don’t believe me, go on the site and you’ll f****** see.”

Me: “No, you’re confused. You see, if the images—”

Client: “Listen, f***er, I’ve got better things to do than…”

A long, long pause follows.

Client: “Oh, wait, you’ve fixed it.”

Client: “Could you do anything about the background? It looks too old.”

Me: “You mean the broken-down abandoned house you took pictures in?”

Client: “Yeah. Could you make it look newer? The peeling paint and plant-covered bricks are a little too much for me.”

Me: “So, you want the house to look modern?”

Client: “Or futuristic. Or both!”

An illustration brief includes lengthy and detailed instructions, which we are expected to follow “precisely and to the letter.”

Brief: “Depict a boy with a hand over his mouth (covering a cough), one hand holding a bag, and one hand holding a guitar case.”

The temptation to produce the three-armed monstrosity precisely as requested was overwhelming.

Client: “I am not happy with your work. I turned down another quote to work with you, so I want more out of you.”

Me: “What did the other people quote you?”

Client: “I’ll email it to you.”

Within a minute, the forwarded email arrives in my inbox.

Me: “They quoted you twice my rate for half my work.”

Client: “Which is unacceptable! We need to revisit your output.”

Me: “And my quote.”

Client: “Exactly!”

The client didn’t exactly understand what I meant by that until he saw my quote rise with his heightened output expectations.

I’m a freelance makeup artist.

Client: “I’ve been lurking on your work for months now, and it’s beautiful. I have finally decided you are the person I’d like to do my wedding makeup. The date is [date].”

Me: “Thank you so much for the compliment, but unfortunately, I’m already booked on that date. My apologies.”

Client: “But I’ve been lurking your work for months!”

Me: “Yes, but you can’t book a date that way. I need clients to make formal bookings to secure my time.”

Client: “Can’t you just cancel the other booking?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no, I couldn’t do that to a customer who has secured my time and paid my booking fee well in advance.”

Client: “Your customer service is appalling.”