Clients from Hell

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April 09, 2014

I work at a design firm with a couple of other people. I was closing up shop the after a long day on the job and I was very keen to get home. Just as I shut the door, a client from over a year ago ran up.

Client: I need you to edit this logo for a product unveiling tomorrow at noon! Turns out the boss isn’t happy with this one.

Me: Sorry, I’m closing up.

Client: But I’m here!

Me: … and?

Client: You have to help me if I’m here.

As I’m about to compare this situation to a train leaving the station, he interrupts.

Client: I’ll pay you double!

I reluctantly accept. After three hours of work and five revisions of the logo (including what was nearly a complete re-design), I had enough. I told him to go make a coffee, come back, and tell me which version he liked the most.

Client: Yes! That’s it! That’s the one! The boss will love it!

He picked the original logo. But I actually got paid at the promised rate. 

April 08, 2014

Client: How will you get the voice over the video?

Me: You mean the narration? We film the video portion and lay an audio track over it in post production.

Client: What? No. Why don’t you just have someone stand behind the camera man, talking into a microscope?

"Can you make the Washington Monument look less phallic?"
April 07, 2014

Me: Would you like this poster designed in landscape or portrait orientation?

Client: Yes!

Client: Can you build me a website?

Me: Sure, but I’ll need a week to finish my current job.

We come to an agreement and we decide to put it on WordPress.

Me: Just a heads up that I’ve started work on the site.

Client: WordPress isn’t secure, so we’re going to use a different platform.

Me: Er - okay. What do you want to use instead?

Three days pass and I hear nothing back.

Me: Hey, just checking in regarding the website project. Where are we at? Did you decide what platform you want to use?

Client: WordPress is fine. How’s it coming along?

Me: I had to stop work when you told me you didn’t want to use WordPress. But now that you changed your mind back, I can get back to it.

Client: Look, I feel like you’re giving us the runaround. I went to school for computers, I know what’s up. It’s been three days and you have nothing to show for it. We’re going to cancel our agreement. 

April 06, 2014
"I realize you can’t read my mind, but do your best."

Client: Why haven’t you started on the project? We discussed this over month ago.

Me: I issued a fee proposal three weeks ago, and a follow up a week ago. You never responded to either.

Client:  Well, this is critical now. We need it for tomorrow morning.

Me: But as I outlined in my fee proposal, that’s four days worth of work.  I can’t do that in a day.

Client: You will if you want to be paid.  

Me: I’d have to charge rush -

Client: You can’t be serious. If it’s only takes a day to do it, you won’t charge for more than a day.

Me: So, because you’ve left it late, you’d like me to work through the night so I can do four days work in eighteen hours, and you’d only like to pay me for eight of those hours?

Client: Yes. If you want to keep working with us, I expect you to work to our deadlines and accept our payment terms.

I am no longer working with these clients. 

April 05, 2014
"Can’t you just draw it not as good for cheaper?"
via Brief Candle Cartoons 
April 04, 2014
"As payment, I was thinking dinner at my place."