I make a living as a musician, but I supplement my (inconsistent) freelancing by working on-call at a place that offers group piano and pre-piano lessons, primarily with children around Kindergarten age.
The mother of one of the kids in my class pulled aside my boss within earshot of me.
Client: I don’t like the new teacher. He’s just too tall to be dealing with kids.
She leaned in closer.
Client: And his hair is too long.
Client: I watched the instructional video you prepared and I am able to add and publish a post. How do I get the new post to appear on the navigation menu?
Me: You watched the video from beginning to end?
Me: Okay, scroll to 6:30 on it.
Me: The title should read How to Make a New Post Appear
Me: Now finish watching the video.
"I need a sexier, hipper grey."
Client: I don’t understand why I’m being charged 10 hours for this, it seems like it should take about 1 or 2 hours, TOPS.
Me: Well, it may seem that way, but it was quite involved. The good news is it is set up now and you can manage it with the front end and you will never need to set it up again.
Client: I took a web design class once. I’m positive this would only take me 1 or 2 hours and I’m not even an expert.
Client: I registered blaketheelevatorgriffin.com. I need to sell this thing and make some money.
Me: Have you heard from anyone expressing interest in making a purchase?
Client: Nah. But I did a Google search for Blake The Elevator Griffin and got over 30 million hits. I feel like I’m entitled to at least a dollar a hit.
I was doing some social media and web design work for a client I knew personally. The password suddenly changed on the web hosting and company email. Then I couldn’t log in to the Facebook page.
Me: Hey, did you take me off the Facebook page as an admin?
Me: Why is that?
No response came and a few hours later, I was kicked off of twitter as I was doing some work. Apparently the password had changed.
Me: What’s going on?
No response. After some more time
Client: We hired someone else, **** not willing to pay what you want.
I was working for free because I wanted to build my portfolio
Me: Well, thanks for the opportunity and I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I would have preferred you talked to me instead of changing the passwords on work as I complete it. Regardless, good luck.
Client: (drunk via text) I tired to talk to you about it when u were here and said he had talked with you we had a lady already doing it he was shocked on what you wanted to charge thanks.
"My hands look sort of ashy in that picture. Can’t you just put on a lotion filter?"
Client: Should I send the logo as jpg or jpeg?
Me: Send it wtf.
Client: What’s that?
Me: I’m joking with you, send it as a png.
Client: Nice try, but I’m not that stupid.
Client: I don’t like this leprechaun, he’s too scary. He should look less like a fictional character and more like the people that use our product.
Less than 10 minutes later…
Client: Do fairies have acorns for hats? That seems a little far-fetched. And this one has different wings, why are they different? Seems like sort of a queer fairy.
Shortly after a client viewed the brief, agreed to the Scope of Work, signed a contract, and paid a non-refundable deposit, the following phone call took place:
Client: Would it be breaking the law if we just called off this whole contract business and you did the work for me on the side? I would still pay you.
Me: Well… you already signed the contract and paid us a non-refundable deposit. We would still need a contract to do work.
Client: But I need you to update my website!
Me: Which is why you hired us, right?
Client: Well, what’s it even going to look like?
Me: I’m resending you the brief now, but as you may remember, we’re going to use elements from your old website and..
Client: What? I have an old website? Is it on the Internet?