Clients from Hell

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September 05, 2014

Client: We have two changes. One: change the font to Helvetica. 

Me: It’s already Helvetica. 

Client: Oh. 

Me: What’s the other change?

Client: Change the word “consulting” to “consultating.”

Me:

September 04, 2014

Me: Does everything look good for you?

Client: Everything is great, but who is this girl in front of the background?

Me: Um, that’s the character you wanted me to design.

Client: What? I didn’t ask for that. I said to give the chair more character!

I forward the client the original email, wherein she requests a female character to be designed.

Client: Don’t you try ‘photoshopping’ my words!

"Love the design, however, we were wondering if you could move our logo about half a pixel up?"
September 03, 2014

FROM: Client

TO: Me

SUBJECT: Screenplay - only if you have time

If you have a minute, but ONLY if you have a minute, I’d be honored if you could look it over. Some people HATE reading and if that’s you, don’t worry. But you do have a lead part. (Don’t worry, you are disguised.) 

FROM: Me

TO: Client

SUBJECT: Re: Screenplay - only if you have time

This is really outside my area of expertise. I gave it a quick read and everything is basically correct.

I am a software engineer, hired by the client to build a simple site. The 17-page screenplay featured me as an antagonist named “The Boss,” telling a child in a candy shop she wasn’t allowed to have more than 5 pieces of candy.

I don’t even know.

Submitted by Roy Gregson

Submitted by Roy Gregson

September 02, 2014

We got a request from a regular client (a large marketing firm) for some major work that needed to be done in two days. The work required staff overtime, multiple disrupted schedules, and a lot of favors from some freelancers we work with, but the client was willing to pay a premium for us to meet their schedule.

We received numerous phone calls from the client during this time, each one a request for updates and reassurances because “if the project is delayed by even a day it will cause all sorts of problems.”

We uploaded the final project to our secure downloads site. All the projects here are available for three months. Afterwards, they are moved to an offline archive

The client thanked us for working so hard to meet their deadline, and they confirmed receipt of the download details.

Six months later, my supervisor got a frantic call from the client asking where the download is. My supervisor explained that it was online for three months, but it has been archived. She reassured the client that we can restore it from our archives.

While this is happening, a get a phone call from someone in another division at the client’s workplace, asking the same question, demanding that the link work within five minutes, and wanting to know if we treat all of our clients this poorly.  

After we reposted the files, I decided to check the download logs for the original posting. The client never visited the original download link.

Needless to say, any further rush jobs from this client were taken with a grain of salt. 

"I thought I asked you to make this idiot-proof. Somehow, I manage to keep breaking it."
September 01, 2014

I sent a client an HD video, created at the customary HD 16:9 aspect ratio. 

Client: Please send me a 4:3 thumbnail of the video. 

Me: Okay, sure.

I cut a 3:4 thumbnail out of the 16:9 one and sent it. 

Client: I can’t see the whole screen! Please send a 4:3 thumbnail that preserves the 16:9 aspect ratio of the video. 

Me: Okay sure. 

I letterbox the thumbnail so the total image is 4:3 but the 16:9 aspect ratio of the video is preserved. 

Client: Great! Now can you just make the image a teeny bit taller on the top and bottom to get rid of the black bars? 

I resent the 16:9 thumbnail. The client had no further requests.

Client: I love the layout and the logo! It’s perfect.

Two weeks later

Client: Can we change the logo to a meditating frog?

The next morning

Client: Ignore what I said yesterday, I was drunk. It still looks great.

Just prior to the due date

Client: I want to change the entire layout and make the logo a rocket ship.

August 31, 2014

From an animated YouTube series I was a voice actor on: 

Client: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that [a fellow cast member] killed himself last night.

Me: Oh my God! That’s terrible! 

Client: It’s okay, I’ve sent out emails to potential replacements, and we should be back on track with recording by the end of the week.

Me: Wait, what? I’m really not comfortable with that. Can we at least take a break before recasting him, since this is a not-for-profit series anyway?

Client: He would have wanted the show to go on. 

Me: What?

I got no response to this. That night:

Client: False alarm guys, [the cast member] is alive and well! I just assumed he’d killed himself because he was acting really depressed and he didn’t answer the IM I sent him a couple of hours earlier. Everything’s back to normal, so let’s move on to episode three!