Clients from Hell

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April 02, 2014

Client: Can you change the phone number?

Me: Of course. What number would you like it changed to?

Client: I don’t want the actual number changed, I just want it in lower case.

Me: I’m not sure I understand. Numbers don’t have an upper or lower case. They’re just numbers.

Client: It doesn’t look right. Just make them lower case and get back to me when it’s done.

The client hung up. I continued the work and pretended that conversation never happened. He never mentioned it again after that.

April 01, 2014
"Why should I pay? I thought we were friends…"

A client I regularly work with (and am paid by) 

I asked a client for feedback on a preview of their website we’re developing. The feedback I get is photos of print-outs from the website, with barely visible comments made with in pencil, in bad handwriting. The photos were taken upside down with a phone.

After asking about this method, it turns out this head of IT - my client - doesn’t know how to take a screenshot.

March 31, 2014
"We can’t afford to pay you, do you want some practice?"

Anger Issues: Guns. Sex. Serious brain damage. These are just a few words being tossed into this summary to entice you to watch in as our heroes recount their most anger-filled client anecdotes.

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March 30, 2014
"We want the primary language at our fair trade booth to be German. But it must be German that customers who speak only English can understand."

I was on the phone with a client who I do web service for. She was being incredibly rude to me the whole time. Our conversation is also constantly interrupted by her yelling at what I assume is her cat (“Get down from there!” “How many times have I told you not to climb on the mantel?” “Stop it!”) without warning to me and my ear.

After about ten minutes of this, I hear another phone ringing.

Client: Oh, I have a call on my cell. Let me put you on hold a minute.

Me: That’s really okay; you can just call me back

Client: No, I will put you on hold.

From the sounds that follow, she proceeds to put the phone down on a hard surface and answer her cell phone. 

Thinking she will only be a minute, I wait, trying not to eavesdrop. After about a minute or two, I finally am about to hang up when it sounds as if she has picked up the phone I’m on and her voice gets very loud.

Client: *sighing loudly* I’m going to have to let you go now. Yeah, this stupid girl from that web service company is on the other line. I have to help her finish figuring out how to do her job…

March 29, 2014

Me: Here’s the high-res version of the logo. Let me know when I can expect to have my invoice returned.

Client: Um, about that - I’m not sure I can approve this.

Me: The logo? But you approved it yesterday.

Client: That was yesterday.

Me: Yeah…?

Client: It’s not yesterday anymore. 

"This font seems a little dated, let’s try something more modern. I’ve always loved that Comic Sans."
March 28, 2014

Client: I want Google AdWords, but I want you to pick random keywords that are cheap because nobody ever uses them. Maybe we could even make up new words and set them as our keywords? Be creative, it´s your job!

Me: Well, that’s not exactly how AdWords works. Let me explain why it’s good to pick keywords that match with your content -

Client: Bullshit, you just want me to be ripped off by Google so I pay for the expensive keywords. Of course you believe it’s better to pick the keywords people are searching for, you don’t have my business expertise. They may be fooling you, but I’m not stupid.