Client: Why haven’t you started on the project? We discussed this over month ago.
Me: I issued a fee proposal three weeks ago, and a follow up a week ago. You never responded to either.
Client: Well, this is critical now. We need it for tomorrow morning.
Me: But as I outlined in my fee proposal, that’s four days worth of work. I can’t do that in a day.
Client: You will if you want to be paid.
Me: I’d have to charge rush -
Client: You can’t be serious. If it’s only takes a day to do it, you won’t charge for more than a day.
Me: So, because you’ve left it late, you’d like me to work through the night so I can do four days work in eighteen hours, and you’d only like to pay me for eight of those hours?
Client: Yes. If you want to keep working with us, I expect you to work to our deadlines and accept our payment terms.
I am no longer working with these clients.
Client: My previous Flash developer, who lives in the States, can’t be contacted. We got an email saying he was admitted to hospital. I’ve got a .swf of what he’d done for us.
Me: But you don’t have the source files?
I look at the .swf. The site is enormous, but it looks good. However, there’s no animation, audio, or video, which the site clearly relies on for content.
Me: Well, you can recreate the source .fla from a .swf, but it’s hard work. A lot of hard work. Do you have a budget and a deadline?
Client: He got all the money. There’s nothing left. The deadline’s a week away. Oh, and this is part one of eight similar modules. He might be dead, so you’ll fix it for me, right?
— Literally the entire creative brief my client provided
I’m transcribing some audio to text.
Client: It’s taken you over an hour to do the first hour - can’t you do it any faster?
Me: No, I have to listen to it several times while pausing, rewinding and replaying to check what I’m typing matches what I’m hearing.
Client: Surely you can type all that in less than an hour?
Client: Hey, while I have you here, this website I’m trying to get to keeps giving me an error. Do you know how to fix it?
Me: Sorry, that’s an issue that the people who maintain that website would have to deal with. You can try reporting the problem to them using their Contact link.
Client: I don’t see why you just can’t you just hack into it and fix the problem. I thought you were supposed to be this great computer guy.
Client: Can you change the phone number?
Me: Of course. What number would you like it changed to?
Client: I don’t want the actual number changed, I just want it in lower case.
Me: I’m not sure I understand. Numbers don’t have an upper or lower case. They’re just numbers.
Client: It doesn’t look right. Just make them lower case and get back to me when it’s done.
The client hung up. I continued the work and pretended that conversation never happened. He never mentioned it again after that.