Client: Can you print this for me?
Me: No, it has Elmo on it.
Client: I bought it off Etsy, and she said I could get it printed here.
Me: Elmo is trademarked. I can’t print copyrighted material.
Client: I have permission to print this from the artist on Etsy.
Me: Do they own Elmo’s trademark?
Client: I’m confident they do.
Client: All our sites are down!
Me: Seems fine here.
Client: We pay you to maintain this stuff, not cause more problems!
Me: I didn’t take your sites down. How do you know it’s my fault?
Client: It can’t be our fault! Our internet doesn’t even seem to be working!
Me: So your username is your employee number, without the “e” and with an extra zero on the end.
Client: Is that a capital zero? Or just the little one?
Me: Just the number, zero.
Client: So upper case?
Client: I’ve tried logging in with the username and password you sent me yesterday. It’s not working and frankly I don’t have time to mess around with passwords.
Me: Send me your username and password and I’ll try it from our end.
Client: Sure my username is Susan1456 and my password is Donkey
Me: OK, I logged in straight away. This is really weird, I can’t think why it’s not working for you. Can you send me a screenshot of what you can see on our website?
Client sent a screenshot of what they were looking at.
Me: I see what the problem. You’re not on our website.
The next day I got an email saying “Thank you, I have now logged in. You should have asked me what website I was on to save me time.”
Me: You haven’t paid me in awhile, do you think you can write me a check today?
Client: No, I’ve run out of money.
Me: But last week you told me I could invoice you weekly.
Client: Yes, and you can. What’s your point?
Me: It’s been a few weeks. I’m working every day for you and keeping careful track of my hours and submitting an invoice at the end of every week, under the assumption I’ll get paid for my work.
Client: I said you could invoice me, I never said I could pay you.
Client: Where is the website for our new program going?
Me: The Internet
Client: Oh, that makes sense.
Client: I hate the website you designed and built for me, it’s not what I wanted.
Me: You approved the design before I built it.
Client: I know I approved it, but where does that imply it’s what I wanted?
