Clients from Hell

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September 09, 2014

In a meeting with a client to discuss ways to increase the visibility of a client’s website…

Me: As you can see, [your competitor] ranks better for all the important keywords. To pass them in the near future, I suggest-

Client: Well try [own company name].

Me: Yes, you rank first for that. However, that shouldn’t be your main focus, since-

Client stands up, does an enthusiastic “I showed you” fist pump, and just stares at me.

September 08, 2014

Client: We are having an internal argument I need you to solve. Which is correct: 3 month battery life or 3 months battery life?

Me: 3-month battery life.

Client: Oh. So if I don’t use a hyphen, then it’s months?

Me: No. The only correct use is 3-month battery life.

Client: When can I say months?

Me: When used like this: “the battery life is 3 months.”

Client: Is this correct? 3 month(s).

Me: No. 3-month battery life is the only correct use.

Client: Well, I think I’ll just use 3 months battery life. I was just checking with you to make sure I wasn’t horribly wrong.

Client: I’m not really thrilled with either of these logos. Can you make them look more global?

Me: They both already have globes in them, so I’m not sure what you mean. But I’ll try.

Two rounds later, we’re (miraculously) almost finished.

Client: This is really close, but can you make them more vibrant?

Me: Well, your colors are navy blue and black.

Client: I know, keep the colors, but I don’t know, just make them more vibrant! They’re not vibrant enough!

September 07, 2014
"The blue one is perfect!"

The reply I received to three different proofs, all with blue backgrounds

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Black is the new Black

Client: Okay, I want my site’s content to be edgy, to stand out. I’m thinking all black text on a black background.

Me: I’m not sure that’s going to really stand out much.

Client: Why did you get into web design if you have no imagination? Just try to picture it for more than a minute and you’ll see why it’ll work.

September 06, 2014
We don’t usually take submissions like this one, but it’s such a glimpse into madness, it couldn’t go ignored.

We don’t usually take submissions like this one, but it’s such a glimpse into madness, it couldn’t go ignored.

I’m a photographer, reviewing a set of portraits delivered to a client.

Client: I don’t like it.

Me: What don’t you like about it?

Client: It needs more…oooomph.

Me: You asked for a light and airy feel, and you wore all white and wanted a white background…

Client: You should have told me what I wanted. 

September 05, 2014

After sending five different layouts of a client’s company truck:

Client: I just received the layouts. I’d prefer if you put the logo on the front too. Right now, it looks sort of empty and you couldn’t tell it was MY truck unless you see it from the side. 

Me: Where on the front would you like me to put the logo then? 

Client: In the middle of the upper front! There’s a great big space there!

Me: You mean like I did in option 3, 4 and 5?

Client: Oh, well. I haven’t looked at ALL of them yet - but I’ll need some more options from you within the hour.

Client: We have two changes. One: change the font to Helvetica. 

Me: It’s already Helvetica. 

Client: Oh. 

Me: What’s the other change?

Client: Change the word “consulting” to “consultating.”

Me: