"…I’ll even pay you."
May 11, 2013
Client: I have a potential gig for you.
Me: Great, what is it?
Client: I have a customer who is using [equipment brand I specialize in] and he needs some new programming. Can you let me know about how much you’d charge?
Me: Sure, get me drawings of their system or a list of the equipment they’re using and let me know what kind of content they are looking for and I’ll get you a quote.
Client: Oh, well we don’t really know what kind of equipment they have or how it’s laid out.
Me: Okay then. Can you tell me what kind of content they are looking for?
Client: Well we can’t determine what content they’ll need until we know what equipment they have. Can you just give me a quote based on how long you think it’ll take?
Me: Not until I have something to determine how long it’ll take.
May 10, 2013
"We don’t like the picture of the guy wearing the tie because it looks like it’s pointing to his crotch."
—
A client who rejected each and every tie picture afterwards for the same reason. It was for a tie advertisement.
After the client asked specifically for cool colors…
Client: Can you put some cool reds in there?
Me: Red is usually considered very warm.
Me: Any colour can be cool, with the right attitude.
May 09, 2013
Me: I still have not received the deposit for your event tonight.
Client: Oh, I’ll get that to you next week.
I was asked to design some branding for a gambling lounge.
Client: We want it to have a strong Asian theme. Gold and dark red gradients. Dragons. I’s going to be called the Dragon Lounge.
Later…
Me: Here is your identity and poster, let me know what your thoughts are and if there’s anything else I can do.
Client: It’s a bit oriental, don’t you think?
Me: Errrrr… Yes?
May 08, 2013
The savage client hypocrisy
A customer wanted us to stay open an extra hour so he could pick up his business cards. I offered to ship them to his office overnight, but he refused.
Client: You know, it’s inconsiderate to be closed at 5pm. Some people just can’t fit that around their schedules… (his speech was inaudible due to some loud, bassy noises)
Me: I’m sorry, you’re not coming in clearly. Where are you?
Client: I’m at the theatre. The movie doesn’t even end until 5:30pm. Case in point!
Me: Indeed.
"What is this on my site!? I’m based in England, not Latvia. Get this latina off!"
—
The best Lorem Ipsum quote we’ve ever received.
May 07, 2013
Meet one of the clients from the town in Footloose
I make a living as a musician, but I supplement my (inconsistent) freelancing by working on-call at a place that offers group piano and pre-piano lessons, primarily with children around Kindergarten age.
The mother of one of the kids in my class pulled aside my boss within earshot of me.
Client: I don’t like the new teacher. He’s just too tall to be dealing with kids.
She leaned in closer.
Client: And his hair is too long.
Client: I watched the instructional video you prepared and I am able to add and publish a post. How do I get the new post to appear on the navigation menu?
Me: You watched the video from beginning to end?
Client: Yes.
Me: Okay, scroll to 6:30 on it.
Client: Okay.
Me: The title should read How to Make a New Post Appear
Client: Right.
Me: Now finish watching the video.
