Clients from Hell

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April 06, 2014
"I realize you can’t read my mind, but do your best."

Client: Why haven’t you started on the project? We discussed this over month ago.

Me: I issued a fee proposal three weeks ago, and a follow up a week ago. You never responded to either.

Client:  Well, this is critical now. We need it for tomorrow morning.

Me: But as I outlined in my fee proposal, that’s four days worth of work.  I can’t do that in a day.

Client: You will if you want to be paid.  

Me: I’d have to charge rush -

Client: You can’t be serious. If it’s only takes a day to do it, you won’t charge for more than a day.

Me: So, because you’ve left it late, you’d like me to work through the night so I can do four days work in eighteen hours, and you’d only like to pay me for eight of those hours?

Client: Yes. If you want to keep working with us, I expect you to work to our deadlines and accept our payment terms.

I am no longer working with these clients. 

April 05, 2014
"Can’t you just draw it not as good for cheaper?"
via Brief Candle Cartoons 
April 04, 2014
"As payment, I was thinking dinner at my place."

Client: My previous Flash developer, who lives in the States, can’t be contacted. We got an email saying he was admitted to hospital. I’ve got a .swf of what he’d done for us.

Me: But you don’t have the source files?

I look at the .swf. The site is enormous, but it looks good. However, there’s no animation, audio, or video, which the site clearly relies on for content.

Me: Well, you can recreate the source .fla from a .swf, but it’s hard work. A lot of hard work. Do you have a budget and a deadline?

Client: He got all the money. There’s nothing left. The deadline’s a week away. Oh, and this is part one of eight similar modules. He might be dead, so you’ll fix it for me, right?

April 03, 2014
"I’m looking for a logo that is not immediately recognizable as our company."

— Literally the entire creative brief my client provided

I’m transcribing some audio to text.

Client: It’s taken you over an hour to do the first hour - can’t you do it any faster?

Me: No, I have to listen to it several times while pausing, rewinding and replaying to check what I’m typing matches what I’m hearing.

Client: Surely you can type all that in less than an hour?

April 02, 2014

Client: Hey, while I have you here, this website I’m trying to get to keeps giving me an error. Do you know how to fix it?

Me: Sorry, that’s an issue that the people who maintain that website would have to deal with. You can try reporting the problem to them using their Contact link.

Client: I don’t see why you just can’t you just hack into it and fix the problem. I thought you were supposed to be this great computer guy.

Client: Can you change the phone number?

Me: Of course. What number would you like it changed to?

Client: I don’t want the actual number changed, I just want it in lower case.

Me: I’m not sure I understand. Numbers don’t have an upper or lower case. They’re just numbers.

Client: It doesn’t look right. Just make them lower case and get back to me when it’s done.

The client hung up. I continued the work and pretended that conversation never happened. He never mentioned it again after that.