Client: I have a potential gig for you.
Me: Great, what is it?
Client: I have a customer who is using [equipment brand I specialize in] and he needs some new programming. Can you let me know about how much you’d charge?
Me: Sure, get me drawings of their system or a list of the equipment they’re using and let me know what kind of content they are looking for and I’ll get you a quote.
Client: Oh, well we don’t really know what kind of equipment they have or how it’s laid out.
Me: Okay then. Can you tell me what kind of content they are looking for?
Client: Well we can’t determine what content they’ll need until we know what equipment they have. Can you just give me a quote based on how long you think it’ll take?
Me: Not until I have something to determine how long it’ll take.
—
A client who rejected each and every tie picture afterwards for the same reason. It was for a tie advertisement.
After the client asked specifically for cool colors…
Client: Can you put some cool reds in there?
Me: Red is usually considered very warm.
Me: Any colour can be cool, with the right attitude.
Me: I still have not received the deposit for your event tonight.
Client: Oh, I’ll get that to you next week.
I was asked to design some branding for a gambling lounge.
Client: We want it to have a strong Asian theme. Gold and dark red gradients. Dragons. I’s going to be called the Dragon Lounge.
Later…
Me: Here is your identity and poster, let me know what your thoughts are and if there’s anything else I can do.
Client: It’s a bit oriental, don’t you think?
Me: Errrrr… Yes?
The savage client hypocrisy
A customer wanted us to stay open an extra hour so he could pick up his business cards. I offered to ship them to his office overnight, but he refused.
Client: You know, it’s inconsiderate to be closed at 5pm. Some people just can’t fit that around their schedules… (his speech was inaudible due to some loud, bassy noises)
Me: I’m sorry, you’re not coming in clearly. Where are you?
Client: I’m at the theatre. The movie doesn’t even end until 5:30pm. Case in point!
Me: Indeed.
—
The best Lorem Ipsum quote we’ve ever received.
Meet one of the clients from the town in Footloose
I make a living as a musician, but I supplement my (inconsistent) freelancing by working on-call at a place that offers group piano and pre-piano lessons, primarily with children around Kindergarten age.
The mother of one of the kids in my class pulled aside my boss within earshot of me.
Client: I don’t like the new teacher. He’s just too tall to be dealing with kids.
She leaned in closer.
Client: And his hair is too long.
Client: I watched the instructional video you prepared and I am able to add and publish a post. How do I get the new post to appear on the navigation menu?
Me: You watched the video from beginning to end?
Client: Yes.
Me: Okay, scroll to 6:30 on it.
Client: Okay.
Me: The title should read How to Make a New Post Appear
Client: Right.
Me: Now finish watching the video.