A while back, I posted a job application as a backend web developer and penetration tester
Client: Cheer up! I got the perfect job for you!
Me: What’s the job?
Client: I want you to hack websites for me and add my advertisement to their index!
Me: Other than that being illegal, that is not my job.
Client: Why the hell are you a penetration tester then?!
Me: The keyword is “tester.”
Client: Hi, can you make me a CD? I want to know what it costs and when it’ll be done.
Me: Sure, what kind of package do you want? What can you tell me about the artist and their music?
Client: No time for any of that BS, just tell me the prices.
Me: Well, here are some rough ballparks for five or six different package types.
Client: Just make me a few of each.
Me: Can we narrow it down a little? And can you at least tell me the artist name and type of music they make?
Client: Just do your job and I’ll pay you.
Me: Sorry, no offense, but I think I’m going to pass on this project,
Client: MOTHERF***ER! Do you think Whitney Houston gave up when people told her to? Do you think Michael Jackson quit when the work was hard? MAN UP, YOU P***Y!
I design and format PDF book-interiors for clients who want to sell their books through print-on-demand publishers.
Client: The interior is just a mess. Fix it.
Me: It looks like you created this file and uploaded it yourself. Can we format it for you?
Client: Oh, sure.
Time passes. We finish formatting the file and the author signs off on it, so I upload it for them to their print-on-demand account.
Client: The interior is STILL a mess. Why didn’t you fix it?
Me: It… looks like you re-uploaded the file you made over the file we formatted for you.
Client: Yes. Why isn’t it fixed yet?
Client: I’m forming a new company and I need logo by tomorrow to have signage printed.
Me: Wow. Okay. What’s the company name?
Client: Still in talks. Just need a design finalized immediately and we will decide later. Thanks.
Me: So, what type of logo are you looking for? Something professional, fun, simple, elegant, animated, vectorized…?
Me: I’m sorry, but what do you mean by yes?
Client: I want all of those descriptions.
Me: Umm, can you give me more insight on what you are looking for?
Client: I want something professional, but fun. Simple, but elegant. And I am not sure what vectorized means, but it sounds good.
Me: Ok… let’s start with the color scheme. What are the primary colors you want in your logo?
Client: I’m not sure. Just make something good and I’ll know when I see it.
— this was the first time we’d spoken
I’m primarily an illustrator, but I sometimes do graphic design at a reduced rate for friends and family. A friend of a friend was a pastor who wanted a logo for his church, which was called Christ the King.
Client: I want something timeless, something that will still look good in a hundred years. But it also has to be modern. Please stay away from the stereotypical “crown and cross” motif, and don’t use any red. It’s overused.
I sent him about 12 sketches for logos, staying away from crowns and crosses, and in every color except for red.
Client: They’re okay, but I’m just not excited about any of them. Let me send you a logo from another church that I like so you can design something similar.
He sends me a logo for another “Christ the King” church - crimson red and gold, with a huge cross topped with a crown.
Me: But I thought you didn’t want any of these things.
Client: Well, yes, but if you can do something like that without those things we’d be good to go.
First freelance job I ever quit. And I won’t do graphic design anymore, especially not for churches.