Clients from Hell

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September 17, 2014

We’ve had feedback from one of our users that she pressed the ‘submit’ button before she was finished, because she didn’t realize it would submit her results. She thinks you should change it so that pressing ‘submit’ doesn’t submit the results before the user is finished, because other people will probably make the same mistake.

The form in question is a simple internal survey with two questions, one of them (the only one that requires typing) being entirely optional. The link to the survey was eventually sent out by the CEO with the following text: “A handy tip: don’t click ‘submit your answers’ until you have given all your answers.”

I have told my client several times that we can’t just Google an image and plug that on our website or printed materials. Yet, she still does.

Finally, we saw some backlash because of it. A large newspaper called us and told our eMedia specialist that if we didn’t take a certain image down, they would sue us. I thought for sure this would teach the client. Instead, she told him to Google another image to replace it with. 

Me: I will just need a vector file of your logo before I can get those mock-ups going for you.

Client: Here is my logo. Could you also remove the text off of the logo?

Me: Sure. This is a jpeg though. I will need a vector file for printing and to remove the text.

Client: Can’t you just add a new layer and paint over it?

Me: Well, yes, I suppose. But I will still need the vector file for printing, this image isn’t high enough resolution for what you’re looking to print.

Client: Can’t you just turn the resolution up in Photoshop?

Me: It doesn’t work that way. The image will still be low quality and pixilated.

Client: Well I’m not at home right now so I can’t send you the file. Just go on Google Images and look for it, that’s how I found it. 

September 16, 2014

We are an app development company.

Client: I cannot get the app build to work - it keeps asking me for a pin code.

Me: Shouldn’t be. Can you send a screenshot?

Client sends a screenshot of his iPhone lock screen asking to input his password.

I had just gone into labour (to have a baby) when a regular client called with some last-minute and typically urgent editing he needed done. It was 10pm on a Friday night.

I explained that I was in labour and that we would be heading to the hospital.

Client: But I heard labour can take anywhere from 10-14 hours, so you should have enough time to do this edit quickly. Please?

September 15, 2014

Client: Please use the attached file as the logo in my website header.

The file was a crooked cellphone photo of a computer screen where the client had typed the name of their company in Comic Sans using the Vistaprint design-your-own-card function.

A new client was referred to us. She set an appointment to have her website evaluated and to set up a marketing strategy.

She came in and I began the full website evaluation. With every tip or suggestion I made, she would literally sink further down her chair and sigh with total frustration.

Me: Your website actually looks great, but I do see that there are some elements that could be changed to help Google rank you better.

Client: Ugh… why didn’t the last four web design companies that I hired do all of this?

Me: They’ve coded you a very nice custom site, but they may not have known what your goal was. What would you like your website to actually do for you?

Client: I want more traffic, more conversions, more subscribers to my podcasts, more sells, and more interaction on the blog comments. And I need it happening NOW! I’ve been at this for 8 years.

Me: That is a long time, but we’ve only just met, so you’ll have to have some realistic time frames in mind if we start to help you.

Client: Well when I call you and start to scream and cry-yelling at you, I give you permission to tell me that you have to go before you hang up on me.

Me: Thanks for the warning. I don’t think we’re a good fit for you.

September 14, 2014
"My wife thinks the grey could use more colour. I want to keep it grey. Any ideas?"

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When I asked the client for the login information on their network, they provided me with a username and the password “unique.”

This wasn’t the first time I’d worked for them, and each time, I would receive a different set of login credentials. However, the password was always the same.

This was when I realized what had happened. Someone must have insisted that the passwords on the servers were unique. And one of the network guys took it as a literal order and changed all the passwords to “unique”.

September 13, 2014
"I didn’t feel like reading the help document you sent me, so I figured I would call and have you walk me through it."