Clients from Hell

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August 15, 2014
"Can you make that grey more cheery?"

Penetration “Tester”

A while back, I posted a job application as a backend web developer and penetration tester

Client: Cheer up! I got the perfect job for you!

Me: What’s the job?

Client: I want you to hack websites for me and add my advertisement to their index!

Me: Other than that being illegal, that is not my job.

Client: Why the hell are you a penetration tester then?!

Me: The keyword is “tester.”

August 14, 2014

Client: Hi, can you make me a CD? I want to know what it costs and when it’ll be done.

Me: Sure, what kind of package do you want? What can you tell me about the artist and their music?

Client: No time for any of that BS, just tell me the prices.

Me: Well, here are some rough ballparks for five or six different package types.

Client: Just make me a few of each.

Me: Can we narrow it down a little? And can you at least tell me the artist name and type of music they make?

Client: Just do your job and I’ll pay you.

Me: Sorry, no offense, but I think I’m going to pass on this project,

Client: MOTHERF***ER! Do you think Whitney Houston gave up when people told her to? Do you think Michael Jackson quit when the work was hard? MAN UP, YOU P***Y!

I design and format PDF book-interiors for clients who want to sell their books through print-on-demand publishers.

Client: The interior is just a mess. Fix it.

Me: It looks like you created this file and uploaded it yourself. Can we format it for you?

Client: Oh, sure.

Time passes. We finish formatting the file and the author signs off on it, so I upload it for them to their print-on-demand account.

Client: The interior is STILL a mess. Why didn’t you fix it?

Me: It… looks like you re-uploaded the file you made over the file we formatted for you.

Client: Yes. Why isn’t it fixed yet?

August 13, 2014

Client: I’m forming a new company and I need logo by tomorrow to have signage printed.

Me: Wow. Okay. What’s the company name?

Client: Still in talks. Just need a design finalized immediately and we will decide later. Thanks.

August 12, 2014

Me: So, what type of logo are you looking for? Something professional, fun, simple, elegant, animated, vectorized…?

Client: Yes.

Me: I’m sorry, but what do you mean by yes?

Client: I want all of those descriptions.

Me: Umm, can you give me more insight on what you are looking for?

Client: I want something professional, but fun. Simple, but elegant. And I am not sure what vectorized means, but it sounds good.

Me: Ok… let’s start with the color scheme. What are the primary colors you want in your logo?

Client: I’m not sure. Just make something good and I’ll know when I see it.

"The arrows aren’t scholarly enough."
August 11, 2014
"I’m not asking you to do it for free. I’m asking you to do it for a friend."

this was the first time we’d spoken

I’m primarily an illustrator, but I sometimes do graphic design at a reduced rate for friends and family. A friend of a friend was a pastor who wanted a logo for his church, which was called Christ the King.

Client: I want something timeless, something that will still look good in a hundred years. But it also has to be modern. Please stay away from the stereotypical “crown and cross” motif, and don’t use any red. It’s overused.

I sent him about 12 sketches for logos, staying away from crowns and crosses, and in every color except for red.

Client: They’re okay, but I’m just not excited about any of them. Let me send you a logo from another church that I like so you can design something similar.

He sends me a logo for another “Christ the King” church - crimson red and gold, with a huge cross topped with a crown.

Me: But I thought you didn’t want any of these things.

Client: Well, yes, but if you can do something like that without those things we’d be good to go.

First freelance job I ever quit. And I won’t do graphic design anymore, especially not for churches.