Clients from Hell

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October 15, 2014

A hotel chef asked me to photograph some plates of food. I had a rostrum set-up for photographing the plate of food from above against a white background with no cutlery/crockery - as requested by the chef. Then I sent the prints off to the client.

Two days later, I get the head chef screaming on the phone at me.

Client: These photographs are rubbish!

Me: What’s wrong with them?

Client: You have photographed all the dishes upside down!

Me: Rotate the print by 180 degrees and they will be the right way up.

There was quite the silence before he hung up. 

I own a small business that sells street I was looking for designers to design for some shirts. Note that I wasn’t asking for actual designs (free or otherwise) - just applications and links to portfolios.

I got an email from a designer that read:

Client: Here is a design I created, it has a skate theme. Please pay $$$ ASAP to ***** via PayPal. 

Me:  Sorry, I don’t remember asking you for any designs. We love it, but it’s not really what we are looking for. Thanks though!

Client: As I can see you have not put $$$ into my PayPal, please do this ASAP as I have spent a long time on it. If you do not, I will have to get others involved. 

Me: I’m very sorry, but I never commissioned anything from you.

Client: I’ve had enough. You didn’t ask for it, but that doesn’t excuse late payment. If you do not have the resources, you can send clothing out to me. Or, I can and will get lawyers involved.

He proceeded to make posts about how our company does not pay.

October 14, 2014
"I will need to work on getting a real logo. I have a program for logo making but I can’t locate the floppy disk I have been looking for it for awhile."

Client: Everything looks great. But when you have a moment, can you darken the font color on the AboutPage?

Me: Sure.
The font colour is #000. I change it to #222.

Me: How’s that?

Client: It still looks a little light. Can you darken it more?

Me: No problem.

I switch it to #333.

Me: Is that better?

Client: That’s still too light. Try darkening just a little more.

Me: Sorry about that.

I switch it back to #000.

Me: Try it now.

Client: Perfect! I have an eye for these things, you know.

October 13, 2014

Me: I sent you the brochure via email. 

Client: Yes, very good work, but change the layout of the infographic. Make it more scattered.

Me: The layout is structured so that people can follow it easily. Are you sure you want it scattered?

Client: Yes, we don’t want people to read that. We just want it to look important!

Many years ago I was commissioned to create a full sized poster. This was in the days before PDF, but it was created in a very early version of Photoshop. When the final product was approved, I sent four separate files to the printer, one for each CMYK plate.

The client asked if the printer could contact me with a few questions as his digital knowledge was still fuzzy.

Client: What is cayenne?

Being from South Louisiana, and with the printer was in North Alabama, I was assuming he was talking cuisine. So I explained it’s a red pepper. 

Client: Okay, so it’s red?

Me: Yes.

Client: And what about magneto?

Magneto? Why is he asking me about a magneto?

Then it registered, pardon the pun! I had marked the plates Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black.

Apparently, process color was also a bit fuzzy for the guy as well. I had to find Pantone equivalents to get the poster printed.

October 12, 2014

DEAL – I shot the serif.

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"I am not sure what a logo file is. If this is not what you need then do what you can."
October 11, 2014

I am producing a brochure for a branch of a construction company based in sub-Saharan Africa. Most of the project photography they send through is rubbish, but one was especially low resolution for print.

Me: Do you have this image in a higher resolution?

Two weeks later, the client sends through a 10mb image, which, after quick inspection, is obviously a photo of the original image displayed on a monitor, taken at an angle and complete with fuzzy scan lines running down the screen.

Am I the only one who has a client who is THIS dumb?

They sent me photographs in the post, and, understandably, on the envelope they’ve written “Photographs - Do not bend”.

When I opened the envelope, there were several photos within, but to save postage costs of a larger envelope, the client has folded the photos in two.