Clients from Hell

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July 27, 2014

[Deal] - For less than $20, I can be your type(face)

You look like someone appreciates a font with a full character set and kerning pairs. Interlocks probably get your blood boiling, you dirty typographer you. 

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"I’m open to the idea of paying you"

Client: I want this done by the end of the week! It’s taking forever!

Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you wanted it done so soon. In our initial discussion about the job, you said there was “no huge rush.”

Client: To me “no huge rush” means “not today.”

July 26, 2014

A client gave me an external hard drive full of footage he had hired me to edit.

Me: Okay, how do you want this to be edited?

Client: I want you to make magic.

Me: Like what?

Client: Something Spiritual. Powerful. Magical!

Me: So, like magic wands and spells?

Client: No, no, no. Just have magical colors to bring it out! I just want you to make something magical.

Me: What does magical mean? Can you tell me which clips come first?

Client: You’ll know them when you see them. Use the powerful ones.

All the (poorly shot) footage is of someone walking around in a desert.

Client: Oh! And use the music from [famous band].

Me: Do you have rights to use them? You can be sued if you don’t.

Client: Of course I do. I talked to them.

I paste the video together, use the song he requested, and I increase the saturation before I send the footage back. The next week, he emails me to say I made “absolute magic,” but unfortunately, he has already received a cease and desist from the band whose music he asked me to use.

"I need these words changed. I am sending a picture of the changes so you can just copy and paste them."
July 25, 2014

I was designing a one-page brochure for a client that was supposed to provide the copy. When the copy arrived, it was a four-page Word document. 

Me: Umm, I think you’re going to have to remove some of copy, there’s no way we’ll be able to fit all this text into a one-page brochure.

Client: Are you sure?

Me: I’m absolutely sure!

Client: Okay, we’ll reduce the copy to one page. I’ll send you a new file.

Ten minutes later, an email comes in.

Client: Okay, it was tricky, but we finally got the text to fit.

I open the attachment, and, amazingly, they managed to get the copy down to one page.

Unfortunately, they didn’t remove any - they just used a size 3 font. 

via Kwii Draws Stuff
(no, we don’t get any money if you buy her shirt)

via Kwii Draws Stuff

(no, we don’t get any money if you buy her shirt)

July 24, 2014

Our development team was working on a content management system for a corporate client. It was a big system that administered units produced in a variety of languages and applications and, as a result, required careful user interface design and a lot of backend code.

We were doing a show and tell with our partially working system for a couple of corporate VPs to get their feedback on the design. We took a lunch break, and when we got back, the two VPs said they had something they wanted to show us.

They proudly presented a series of PowerPoint slides that showed where they wanted the buttons and pick lists placed.

Client: There, see? This is the arrangement that makes the most sense to us. Can you do this?

Me: Certainly.

Client: You know, I really don’t understand why it takes your team so long to design these interfaces. We knocked this out in about an hour.

The entire team sat stunned until the senior programmer—a man of very few words—pointed to a button on the PowerPoint screen.

PROGRAMMER: What does this button do?

Client: Well, clearly it administers the training and testing selected by the user.

PROGRAMMER: If I click it right now, it will do that?

Client: Well … no. Actually, it doesn’t do anything yet.

PROGRAMMER: That’s why it only took you an hour. 

I work as an in-house graphics designer for one of my country’s largest paintshops for trucks.

Client: Listen! We need a brochure ASAP. I know we talked about it ages ago, but we need it done like right now!

Me: I sent you a more or less finished layout almost a year ago. You said you’ll just look over it and let me know if you’d want any changes done.

Client: Oh. Oh right! Send it to me again and I’ll have a look.

Much later, about 10 minutes before my shift ends.

Client: This looks great! Why didn’t you send me these earlier?

Me: I did. Last June.

Client:  Well, you know I’m a very busy man.

Me: Yes, yes. I know. While we’re at it, have you had a chance to look at those spray can layouts I did a couple of weeks ago?

Client: Uh, yes. It looks great. Send them off to the printer ASAP.

Me: Which one? I made four of them.

Client: Oh. Uh. Well, if I had it my way, I’d just have white blank ones and write the company name on with a marker, so like - I really don’t care.

When everything gets back from the printers:

Client: This looks like shit. I can’t believe you sent these things away without my approval first! That’s extremely unprofessional, you know that?

July 23, 2014

Internet Cash: On a very special episode of Clients From Hell, our hero learns how easy it is to make money on the internet, provided he’s a porn star or a cat with a poor grasp of the English language.

We’d like to extend a massive thank you to the guys from Site5 who have sponsored all our upcoming videos. Site5 are also offering a coupon for 6 months of free web hosting and migration of your site, so be sure to sign-up below!