Clients from Hell

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April 11, 2014
"I need this logo redone. It should look like the old one, but it doesn’t have to match in any way. I really don’t know what I want so, you know, just work your magic."

A client who then offered to pay me in haircuts.

April 10, 2014

Our copywriter wrote some copy in our December newsletter that wished our clients a happy holiday season, including Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanza. 

Client: What’s Kwanza?

Me: It’s a celebration in December.

Client: No, I’m pretty sure that’s slang, take it out. 

Them: I need it 40x40.

Me: 40x40 what? Centimeters? Pixels? Inches?

Them: Yes.

Me: Okay, I’ll make it a square (but in very high resolution) so you can basically resize it to whatever you want. How’s that?

Them: Why a square?

April 09, 2014

I am setting up a 300dpi grayscale piece for a client. The logo on the printed copy needs to measure three inches. The customer emails me a black 320px PNG.

Me: I’m sorry, do you have a much larger copy of the logo that I can use?

The client sends me another 320px PNG, this time in RGB color.

Me: For best quality print, I need one that measures at least 900px wide.

Client: I just realized that I sent you the last hi-res image in color. Here’s the black hi-res.

The client attached another 320px image. This time it was a JPG.

I work at a design firm with a couple of other people. I was closing up shop the after a long day on the job and I was very keen to get home. Just as I shut the door, a client from over a year ago ran up.

Client: I need you to edit this logo for a product unveiling tomorrow at noon! Turns out the boss isn’t happy with this one.

Me: Sorry, I’m closing up.

Client: But I’m here!

Me: … and?

Client: You have to help me if I’m here.

As I’m about to compare this situation to a train leaving the station, he interrupts.

Client: I’ll pay you double!

I reluctantly accept. After three hours of work and five revisions of the logo (including what was nearly a complete re-design), I had enough. I told him to go make a coffee, come back, and tell me which version he liked the most.

Client: Yes! That’s it! That’s the one! The boss will love it!

He picked the original logo. But I actually got paid at the promised rate. 

April 08, 2014

Client: How will you get the voice over the video?

Me: You mean the narration? We film the video portion and lay an audio track over it in post production.

Client: What? No. Why don’t you just have someone stand behind the camera man, talking into a microscope?

"Can you make the Washington Monument look less phallic?"
April 07, 2014

Me: Would you like this poster designed in landscape or portrait orientation?

Client: Yes!

Client: Can you build me a website?

Me: Sure, but I’ll need a week to finish my current job.

We come to an agreement and we decide to put it on WordPress.

Me: Just a heads up that I’ve started work on the site.

Client: WordPress isn’t secure, so we’re going to use a different platform.

Me: Er - okay. What do you want to use instead?

Three days pass and I hear nothing back.

Me: Hey, just checking in regarding the website project. Where are we at? Did you decide what platform you want to use?

Client: WordPress is fine. How’s it coming along?

Me: I had to stop work when you told me you didn’t want to use WordPress. But now that you changed your mind back, I can get back to it.

Client: Look, I feel like you’re giving us the runaround. I went to school for computers, I know what’s up. It’s been three days and you have nothing to show for it. We’re going to cancel our agreement. 

April 06, 2014
"I realize you can’t read my mind, but do your best."