Me: What internet browser do you use?
Client: The Godzilla one.
February 21, 2013
February 20, 2013
Draw me like one of your Dr. Seuss characters
We run a small illustration company and were hired to work on a one-off children’s book. The project was a disaster from start to finish. After turning in the spec art for the parents that would appear in the book…
Client: This dad is too handsome. We need more of an everyman. More like Edward Norton. We like the mom though. Let’s keep her pretty.
Me: Okay. We can revise the father’s face and send you new specs this weekend.
We sent the revised work and received this reply:
Client: We think he’s not handsome enough.
Me: But you specifically asked us to make him less handsome.
Client: But how would he get a wife who’s so hot?
Me: Would you like us to go back to the original?
Client: He should match the attractiveness of the wife. Why don’t you just make him look like me?
"Thanks, good start. I would like it to be more powerful, however. Slightly sweet and less strong."
— Client feedback. Possibly a coffee order.
February 19, 2013
I usually don’t do work-related favors for family, but last Christmas, I agreed to design a holiday card for my uncle. After five revisions and numerous options, my uncle was satisfied and sent out the cards. I found $10 in my PayPal.
Me: Hey, what’s this for?
Client: A tip for that card.
It was seemingly thoughtful, but when the whole family got together for the annual gift exchange, it became apparent that I was somehow forgotten. The card I created was to inform each family member who they were the secret Santa for. And apparently, my uncle was supposed to be mine.
Client: Let’s get this logo and the border in every colour combination possible.
Me: There are, like, 10-million shades possible with CMYK.
Client: Okay, let’s keep the border black, and just give me all the possible colours for the logo.
February 18, 2013
"The peeing pup is almost 100% - but he should be looking down, and more back, towards his own dick."
—
Feedback for the header of a website about the war on terrorism.
Editor’s Note: My kingdom for a link to this website.
In the 1990s, a wonderful older client and I created a full color 32-page real estate magazine, successfully producing it for 3-4 years. The magazine was then purchased by a 30-something real estate salesman.
After about a year of working together on the magazine (which included a full color pull-out map of homes for sale in the area), the salesman bought his first desktop computer. He began complaining bitterly about paying me for my work. One day, he declared that from now on he would be doing the magazine on his own - using MS Word.
Client: Why should I pay you when I can do what you do?
Me: If you can do the same thing? I honestly don’t know.
Six months later, the magazine went out of business.
February 17, 2013
Keeping it in the family
Client: We urgently need a website!
Me: O-okay. Do you have something in mind?
Client: Yes, we want our website just like this [example site].
Me: It’s a relief you have a good idea of what you want if there’s a rush to get this made. Do you have a rough estimate of how much you want to spend.
Client: We like to work like a family here.
Me: That’s a great way to work.
Client: So we don’t pay out money as wages are so low.
Me: How does that work?
Client: If you are as good as you say you are, you’ll be willing to work on a commission-basis. If we feel our website’s getting enough sales, we are willing to pay you your commission.
Me: That won’t be possible for me, I need money to live.
Client: This is how we work. Take it or leave it.
Me: Since there is nothing to leave, I’m going to have to say no.
Client: It takes a real *professional to work with us. I suspected you wouldn’t be up to the task.
*Editor’s note: From the Wikipedia page for ‘professional,’ first sentence: A professional is a person who is paid to undertake a specialized set of tasks and to complete them for a fee.
"The government blocked javascript or something. That’s why my Yahoo mail isn’t coming onto my phone."
— Client response to late payment.
February 16, 2013
Client: I need you to come to the office tomorrow.
Me: Your office is over 100 miles away and I’ve already been there five times over the past three months.
Client: Management is expecting you there; I told them you’d be there. You have to be there.
Me: Can we use Skype to conference me in?
Client: No! No Skype! They expect you to be there.
Me: Can we at least float the idea as a possibility in the future?
Client: No, I can’t see that being very convenient.
Me: Maybe not for you.
