Client: I think my keyboard is broken.
Me: What makes you think that?
Client: When I login and type my password, whatever key I press shows up as a little black dot.
Me: How do you want your customers to pay for your products on your site? I suggest using PayPal.
Client: What’s PayPal? Can I just have them send cash or write checks and mail it to my address?
Me: We’ll add security to your contact form so that you won’t get spammed. No one likes that.
Client: Actually, I enjoy spam every now and then.
Me: Spam in your inbox?
Client: They can do that!?
The client was thinking of the meat Spam.
Client: Make the logo bigger.
Me: There really isn’t any space.
Client: Make space.
I make the image a bit smaller and the logo 3% larger.
Client: Whoa whoa whoa! No need to make the logo Mario on mushrooms!
I make the image 2% larger than the original.
Client: Now it seems smaller than what we started with! Why don’t you put a bit of thought into this and stop making such ridiculous changes!?
I was doing publicity for a client.
Me: A reporter from Detroit News wants to interview you tomorrow. What time are you available?
Client: 10am. What station will it be on?
Me: It won’t be on a station - Detroit News is a newspaper.
Client: Okay.
Me: So you’re all set for 10am.
Client: Great. What is the station’s call letters? I like to research the station prior to the interview.
Me: This isn’t a radio interview. A reporter from Detroit News, a newspaper in Detroit, will be calling you to do a phone interview. She’ll then write a story based off your interview.
Client: Oh, so it’s for print?
Me: Yes, exactly.
Client: Like a magazine?
Me: Yeah, but a newspaper.
Client: Oh, why didn’t you just say it was for a newspaper?
Client: We won’t be paying. We didn’t use your material.
Me: You didn’t? I saw the brochure today, it is exactly what I designed for you.
Client: No, it isn’t. You sent us a PDF of the document. We did not print the PDF, we took a screen capture of it and pasted it into Word. That’s what we printed.
Me: Regardless of format, I designed it. I delivered what we agreed upon in the contract you signed.
Client: Well, we didn’t print from your file, we used it in a different format.
Me: Okay, I think you’re misunderstanding something. I’ll have my lawyer explain it to you on Monday.
Client: Can you print this for me?
Me: No, it has Elmo on it.
Client: I bought it off Etsy, and she said I could get it printed here.
Me: Elmo is trademarked. I can’t print copyrighted material.
Client: I have permission to print this from the artist on Etsy.
Me: Do they own Elmo’s trademark?
Client: I’m confident they do.
Client: All our sites are down!
Me: Seems fine here.
Client: We pay you to maintain this stuff, not cause more problems!
Me: I didn’t take your sites down. How do you know it’s my fault?
Client: It can’t be our fault! Our internet doesn’t even seem to be working!
“Can you take this black and white page and make a photocopy of it back to color?”
Me: So your username is your employee number, without the “e” and with an extra zero on the end.
Client: Is that a capital zero? Or just the little one?
Me: Just the number, zero.
Client: So upper case?