February 2013
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We landed a big project and established a two-month timeframe to complete it, working with a large team and the client.
There were numerous parts to the project. We received incomplete designs and specs around the agreed starting day for the project. Week by week, elements trickled in, sometimes less than promised and often incomplete. We still had no down-payment, but we were working with what...
January 2013
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“Please create a minimal baroque font.”
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This story takes place in what would be “week 50” of the year.
Client: (in an email with the subject line: xxxxx Week 51 52) Why the hell aren’t we getting any impressions on our counter? I can’t even see the ad!
Me: Because the ad campaign starts next week.
Client: How unprofessional on your part.
Oddly, I thought it unprofessional to ask HOW it was unprofessional on...
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How to Lose Those Pounds
I live in the UK. A while ago while working as a copywriter I wrote and proofed about 60+ pages of web content. After chasing the client for sign-off on that stage of the project for a week, they turned around and said the copy was not good enough and that there were a number of spelling and grammatical errors.
I asked them to be more specific, and they pointed out “focussed”, the...
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Taking a credit card payment from a client…
Me: What’s the name on the card?
Client: Mastercard Gold.
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Take it down a notch
Client: Please upload a current copy of the video so I can review it.
The next day…
Client: Take the video down immediately! It’s incomplete!
Me: I know, you said you wanted to see the current cut. We still need to -
Client: The whole world can see it and it reflects badly on our company!
Me: It’s an unlisted video. No one can view it unless they have the direct link.
Client: I...
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“It’s not plagiarism when you use Word’s thesaurus to change all the...”
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I told my client I would be at my step-mother’s funeral for the day and would be completely unreachable by any form of communication until tomorrow.
Client: (email) I really need your help! I can’t open the file you sent me.
Client: (text) Did you get my email? I need you to resend me that file NOW.
Client: (voicemail) You are being completely unprofessional and ridiculous! I...
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Client: I don’t love the visual at the beginning of this video. I would love to replace it with news station film or school bus with kids getting off.
Me: I haven’t seen the footage you are referencing; could you send it to me?
Client: Agreed.
Me: …agreed with what?
Client: We don’t have other footage. I’m saying in the future.
Me: We’ll get the footage in the...
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Deadbeat With a Heart of Gold
A client hired me to do a large-scale project - the largest my personal firm has ever worked on. After negotiating for quite some time, we settled on a price half of the original proposal. However, and relevant to the story later, the down-payment was the same amount at the client’s suggestion.
We never saw another dime. A year later, I ran into the client on the street, and after a bit of...
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Client: Just one edit: can you replace the front door photo with a pool photo?
Me: I don’t see a pool photo in the photo folder you sent me.
Client: Can you draw one?
Me: What do you mean?
Client: Can you draw a picture of a pool and then insert it in? We don’t have a budget for a photographer.
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“I tried downloading more RAM, but now my computer won’t work.”
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I was contracted to put together an event to bring awareness to human trafficking. The client was explicit that they wanted “experimental elements” to make attendees “feel the tragedies.”
Me: How about we fill backpacks with cans of soup or rice and suggest that guests wear them for the entirety of the evening. Once they do, we donate the food in their name to a related...
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How Doctors Must Feel
I was at a party when a client’s business partner approached me.
Client: Hey, [Client] tells me you could answer a computer question for me.
Me: Depends. What’s the question?
Client: My computer stopped working the other day. The light comes on but nothing happens.
Me: Well, it’s hard to say what might be the problem from just that. It could be something simple, it could be...
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After a client asked me to build a website with very specific colors (grey and white) and even giving me a website to base the design off of:
Client: There isn’t enough color on the site.
Me: But you specifically asked for only grey and white.
Client: I know, but it doesn’t have enough color.
Me: Okay, we’ll tweak the original idea. Did you have any colours in mind?
Client:...
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Client: My sister-in-law saw the visuals, and she wasn’t happy.
Me: What didn’t she like about them?
Client: She said they were shit and not worth the money.
Me: Do you think that?
Client: I haven’t looked at any of them yet.
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I was hired to design a brochure for a new type of engine. The client asked to meet 6am on a Sunday morning to finalize the design. He was insistent that I be prepared to work for the rest of the day.
I arrived at his office and opened a .pdf of the brochure. The client looked at it for a moment.
Client: Looks good, just…
He waves his hand over the monitor.
Client: Clean it up.
He...
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Client: Can you design a commemorative tattoo of my mom? She’s dying of cancer.
Me: Sure, what is your mother like?
Client: Russian.
Me: What does that mean? Do you have a photo, or any idea -
Client: It means she looks nothing like me - but can you make it sorta like me?
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NSFW work opportunity
I was finishing up an update session with a client regarding his next-to-finished website. In this client’s (very mild) defence, I do regular work in photography and Photoshop.
Client: But while I have you here, any interest in hearing about a sort of side project?
Me: Of course.
He then precedes to take out his cell phone and show me some self-taken photos of…
Cilent: Obviously...
A client at a local magazine was looking for more ethnic diversity on their monthly covers. They approached me about photographing a cover for them.
Client: So far our covers have featured only white people and our sponsors want to see more diversity What can you do about that?
Me: Sure, I have numerous models who come to mind who would work great for this.
I book an Asian model who does an...
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A client commissioned me to direct a commercial for a clothing line, and then asked me to write a concept because they couldn’t afford a copywriter. I submitted a concept which was about a girl and a piano. Two months went by and not a word about the commercial.
Then I got this phone call:
Client: You’re shooting your commercial in two days. We got you a model for the shoot.
Me: Two...
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This client is in her forties. I regularly receive (both text AND email) messages like these.
CLIENT: Hi … Arg… MDL is tomz 12pm… I’m only working on copy now… Debating wot to say in f/p … Will u b able to sort for me tomz am? Sorry abt the ruuuush!!
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“Can we do the website in black and white to save some money?”
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Some people just don't know when to stop.
Client: I need some help saving a recording I’ve made. I’ve paused it but I can’t see how to save it.
Me: Okay, instead of pausing it, push stop. It will then give you a button that says submit.
Client: I pushed stop but now it’s recording again.
Me: That doesn’t make sense. What button did you push?
Client: The red circle stop button.
Me: That is the record...
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Me: I just need a credit card to complete the transaction.
Client: OK my number is **** ****….
Me: What’s the country of the credit card?
Client: The what?
Me: What country is the credit card from?
Client: The what?
Me: What country do you live in?
Client: I don’t understand.
Me: If you were to point on a map, where do you live?
Client: (long pause)… From China
...
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“It’s hard to communicate anything without some creative and/or image...”
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Client: I need an email blast done for my other company.
Me: That’s fine, I’ll lay out a few drafts for you by tomorrow.
Client: Any chance you can make an email template where I can change the logo and some of the text?
Me: Well that gets tricky since you don’t have the software. I can create several different versions of the final email blast for an extra fee, if you like.
...
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“Just take your time. There’s no need to rush anything, we have until...”
– An email sent at 2am that same morning
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After spending a few days developing a website, I asked the client to test the new features. He sent me an email complaining that he could not make a new account with the current version of the website.
Client: The font is really bad. I can’t read it and I keep getting some errors during the sign up process.
Me: Where, exactly, is the website not readable? What’s the exact error?
...
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It's a small world, after all
I was asked to create a design that included a globe and had some elements to show global connectivity. I used a stock image where the USA was centred on the globe, created the design around that, and sent it off to the client.
Client: This is fine, but we’re closing a deal in Brazil and we want Brazil to be the centre of attention.
Me: The brief said you’re based in the US - I...
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I submitted some artwork to a client who was looking for a logo and some social media icons that would appear on the wall of their reception area.
Me: I’ve attached the artwork, can you double check the QR code takes you where it’s supposed to?
Client: Oh no… no, no, no! It’s not working like it should!
Me: Don’t worry, we’ll fix it. Where does it take you?
...
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“I’m not giving a raise to someone who sits and plays with lines all day.”
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Improbable, but not impossible
As my company’s graphic designer, I took the time to standardize our email signatures. I included our logo as a base64 encoded gif. This method automatically generated a random 8-character name viewable by non-HTML email clients as a downloadable attachment. It was brought to my attention that, in a company-wide email blast and out of 209-billion possible file names, the file was called:...
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“Okay, yeah I think the word program I used to design that doesn’t have the...”
I was contracted to make a trailer for my client’s documentary film. The client wanted me to introduce four main characters in a 10-second spot before the narration started in the trailer. Client: I love what you did with the titles, but they are too fast. Me: I can extend them, but that means they will be spilling before or after the voice over.
Client: Is there a way to show them on the...
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A client requested some copy-editing and images, but my creative team was booked solid for the day.
Me: I received your request. Unfortunately, the whole team is busy today. We’ll respond to your request by 5pm.
Client: No, just make your team work faster. Thanks!
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“I really like the color of the image when I tilt my laptop display all the way...”
– A client who didn’t appreciate that I updated the image with a picture of a closed laptop.
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A client was quoted for a website and photo shoot (for pictures that would appear on the site). After reviewing the total amount, he refused to buy the photo shoot, and he decided to only pay for the website.
Several weeks later, he called our office.
Client: Have you seen the website? The picture looks terrible!
Me: Yes, they aren’t in the correct scale, the appear pixelated, and the...
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I am a freelance photographer without a studio and I recently gave a woman a quote for her daughter’s High School graduation photos. She said I charged too much and went to a local studio that charges more. I know this because she called me and asked how much I would charge to take the watermark off the proofs she got from the studio. She said they charged too much for regular prints. She...
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“The video looks really good, but just one little thing: I said ‘I’ve...”
– Someone who doesn’t realize what a video editor does or what Photoshop is.
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Way back in September…
Me: You said the cheque was in the mail three weeks in a row and I have received nothing. If I don’t receive anything in one week, I will be forced to take down your site.
Two weeks later…
Client: My site is down!
Me: I told you three times the site comes down without payment.
Client: And I told YOU three times that the cheque is in the mail!
Me: Well...
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As a part-time photographer, I take copyright infringement very seriously. A client came in to my print shop to test that.
Client: Can you make a copy of this picture?
Me: Unfortunately no. I am not allowed.
Client: What do you mean?
Me: This image is the photographer’s intellectual property. It is illegal for me to make a copy of his work without his permission.
Client: So you...
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“We just want “iconic” icons.”
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Me: Hey, I need pictures of the exec for the project.
Client: Just google him, there are a bunch of pictures out there.
Me: Web photos are not usually high enough resolution to use in a print document.
Client: But they are .jpgs.
Me: That doesn’t matter, they need to be high resolution.
Client: Some of them look like official photos.
Me: That doesn’t matter either, they need to...
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“I can do what you do in the Paint program.”
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A friend of mine asked if I could help out with a shoot for an acquaintance who was starting up a new company. After a lot of begging from my friend, I eventually said I’d do the shoot for free.
I had a meeting with my new “clients” and showed them my portfolio. They were happy with the quality of my work. During this meeting I told them that if any paying work came along, I’d put the...
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“Please remove the background image of snow. Avoid ‘cold’ stuff and...”
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I was asked to design an email template for a client for their monthly newsletter. I created a draft for them to see how it would look.
Client: It’s beautiful! I love everything about it. Just perfect! Could you just insert our old newsletter content and send it back so we can see how it looks?
Me: Of course.
I update the template and send it.
Client: Ugh. What’s wrong with this...
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I worked as an in-house designer for many years. I was once asked by a manager to design a flyer for the annual conference.
Client: We need the flyer to be designed and printed by tomorrow lunchtime - that’s the mailing deadline. Can you do it?
Me: Sure, but I’ll need the information for it in the next hour or so.
Client: Oh, we won’t be deciding anything until the board...
