June 2012
Client: I have a problem with the design
Me: What problem is it?
Client: It has a lot of white space!
Me: What’s wrong with that?
Client: Racism, for starters.
Client: The demo you created is too small. Make it wider.
Me: Is your monitor very large? I optimized it to be around 1024px wide for a variety of monitors.
Client: No, no, it has to fill the screen up. Let me tell you the correct dimensions.
A few moments later.
Client: Make it 20 inches. The perfect width is 20 inches to fill the browser window.
Me: Did you just use a ruler?
Client: Yes.
My client had full access to his web pages and was able to modify the HTML, CSS, etc. One day I come into work and see that he has placed line breaks ( br ) in random locations throughout his page.
Me: Why did you place breaking points everywhere on your page?
Client: Breaking points?
Me: Ya, the br’s that you put into the HTML last night.
Client: Well, I thought some of the text could...
Client: I just put in your CD, but I still see my previous CD on the computer. I can’t access your CD!
Me: Can you open your CD drive and verify that it is my disk that you’re using?
Client: I’m not stupid!
Me: I’m not saying you are, but can you double check for me?
He does, and (less than kindly) says my CD is staring back at him.
Client: Maybe you’re the...
Client: We want more Likes on Facebook. We share our page five to seven times a day and nothing…
Me: Where do you share it?
Client: On our wall.
Me: Well, that is not a surprise, since only the people that already Liked your page can see that post.
Client: Where do I share it?
Me: Anywhere else possible.
Client: Oh, I see! Thanks!
He then shares it on my timeline. Five to seven...
Me: The price for the project we’re talking about will be $XXX.
Client: Really? I had another designer work on this for me last year and he did it for free.
Me: I’m sorry, I can’t work for free. You may want to try going back to him and seeing if he’ll do it for free again this year.
Client: I can’t. He’s no longer in business.
Receive an email from a client who runs a gay nightclub. Unrelated was this, buried in the post-script of the email.
Client: By the way, I’ve sent all of the gay weeing pics off to the mag.
Minutes later, I receive an email from his assistant.
Client: (via assistant)I THINK HE MEANT WEDDING.
Me: Let’s not leave that to chance.
Client: I don’t like any of the logos my current designer did and I want you to see what you can come up with.
Me: Great, I’ll have some concepts ready for you next week.
Client: Oh, do you do any writing?
Me: Yeah, what do you need?
Client: This would have to be for free. I need you to use my Outlook to email the other designer and tell her that I don’t like her work.
Client: Thanks for sending me the press release. I added a few corrections.
Me: No problem, just send ‘em my way.
Client: I couldn’t save this as a doc so I’m sending you a PDF. Hope that will work for you.
Attached: 23 scanned pages, poor quality, in PDF.
Me: Could you just copy and past the text?
Client: I don’t see how that will help…
Attached: 23 copy and...
Client: Can you make this blue redder?
Me: Like, purple?
Client: No. A red blue. Or even a blue red. Are you colour blind?
“We really like the rest of the logo, but the horse doesn’t look like...”
– Sixth revision. He looked too happy in the third.
Some people really hate Facebook's new timeline
An old client recently changed his Facebook to timeline. After, this happened:
Client: Help! My Facebook has gone all funny! Can you fix it?
Me: No, I can’t.
Client: Well what kind of designer are you?
Me: One that makes a lot less then the ones who work for Facebook.
Client: So you are saying you won’t fix Facebook for me.
Me: Sorry, no.
Client: How much to design a new one?
...
Cost of being human
After receiving a paid invoice…
Me: This says you deducted 10% from the the price we agreed on for income tax. Do you know my Tax Identification Number? How did you file the amount to the government under my name?
Client: You don’t understand. If you’re a human being, 10% of all money you earn must be deducted from your earnings.
Me: Are you sure that’s how taxes work?
...
After doing some work for a corporation, their payment was overdue and I was forced to come to their office tower downtown. After signing some paperwork in reception on the 27th floor…
Client: Bring this to our accountant on the 34th floor and they will give you your money.
Me: Got it.
Client: Do you know where the 34th floor is?
I point up.
Client: That’s right. Do you you...
For the record, I’m a designer, not an IT guy. However, some clients still try to hit me up for tech support.
Client: There is a weird noise coming from my computer.
Me: Can you hold your phone up to the computer so I can hear it?
Holds up phone, hears mechanical rattling in the computer.’
Me: Sounds like there is something stuck in the fan. Have you stuck something in there?
...
“How can you call yourself a designer when you haven’t used Microsoft Word...”
I was meeting with a potential client who had a project he felt more comfortable discussing in-person.
Client: Okay, so this is one of those deviously simple ideas, but I need help making it happen.
Me: Let’s hear it.
Client: I’m surprised no one’s thought of it. I need your word you’re not going to just walk away from this conversation and use it.
Me: You have my...
“No huge rush, having it done in the next day or two would be perfectly fine.”
Client: You didn’t return my call yesterday. Pretty unprofessional…
Me: I was giving birth.
Client: You were pregnant?
Note that I had met with this client numerous times, face to face.
The ad agency I work for had recently won a new client, and since their existing website was so terrible, we were asked to redo their website as part of their new campaign. After showing the client our initial designs for their product pages…
Client: These are nice, but where’s the Fun Zone?
Us: Fun Zone?
Client: Yeah, for when kids visit the website. We don’t want them to get...
Client: I really like the design you made for the website. It looks like it’s been made by a real professional!
Me: Ah… thanks?
God Complex
Client: Do you animate bible stories?
Me: We don’t currently, but we can animate anything you like. What do you have in mind?
Client: Well how much is it to animate the bible?
Me: Well it depends on what stories from the bible you want. The duration of the animation, how many characters, sets etc. Do you have a script?
Client: Well I don’t want to elaborate on the bible, I just...
I informed my client I would be unavailable Saturday as I was attending my 4-year-old’s for her ballet recital.
As she comes on stage, my phone vibrates:
Client: Where are we on my web site?
Two minutes later:
Client: I need my site redone ASAP please send an update!
After the 10th email in 5 minutes I respond:
Me: I told you I would be away from the desk today to spend time with my...
3 tags
WatchIntroducing the Clients From Hell video
var obj1 = { 'type':'banner','adSite':'clientsfromhell-net','accountId':1202842,'playlistId':2308744,'adChip': 'ea45d1d0c543012feab10024e87a30c2','height':295,'width':530,'adContainer': '2572','autoPlay':false,'random':false}; com.onescreen.widgets.load(1, 'banner', obj1); It was a pleasure making this happen. Our cast and crew were phenomenal and we...
“I don’t need to hear why this wont work. I need you to tell me it will and...”
– Client, after asking me to convert 100px-wide PNGs into full size press-ready graphics
Client: I would like for you to make a simpler version of the logo for my business. What do you think of the logo I sent you?
Me: It’s too busy. It looks like a mural. When creating a logo, you want something simple. Simplicity sells. I’ll create a better version for you.
Client: Okay, thanks. Make it simple!
After spending 2 weeks creating the new logo…
Client: I saw the...
Me: Do you have a high resolution file for me to work with?
Client: Is the one I sent not high resolution? How about this one: it reads 02.jpeg. Is that big enough? 02?
Client: The final proof looks great, but you need to make the website link active so people can click on it and go right to the website.
Me: But, you’re printing this right?
Client: Yes, that’s the whole point of this!
Me: I mean you’re printing this on paper with ink and everything, right?
Client: Yes. What are you not understanding here?
Me: How people are going to...
“Between you and me, saying “what’s your budget” is a huge...”
– It’ll lead to more work, she promised…
Via Text
Client: In regards to paying u 4 the last job, I think it is only fair that maybe I pay you less or nothing. Yr call.
Client: I know you did me a favor, but they had other photographers lined up, supposedly for free.
Client: Whatever you are comfortable with….
Me: I am comfortable with accepting the full payment you agreed upon now that the images have been published in your...
“I’m very intuitive and can tell that you’re a computer person. Am I...”
– Client, after speaking with me for twenty minutes about website design.
Client: I need my artwork. Can you burn all my logos and designs to a CD and I’ll pick it up tomorrow morning?
Me: I’m sorry, we can’t release that to you until you pay your bill.
Client: I can’t believe this! I spend good money there, and this is how you treat me!?
Me: According to our records, you haven’t spent any money here, good or otherwise.
“Top font is too flowery… think ‘ugh ugh man beef’ but also classy…...”
A client called my ad agency. The administrative assistant was overwhelmed with calls, so I had her transfer the excess calls to me in the back.
Client: I need to talk to my ad person.
Me: Sure. Who’s your ad rep?
Client: Mary.
Me: We don’t have a Mary. Was it (my name)? Or could it be Karla or Betty?
Client: No, no, that’s not it.
Client: I’m looking at your...
A client was complaining that the website I designed slowed his computer down to the point of crashing. It would no longer start after. Upon investigation…
Me: It sounds like your computer has finally kicked the bucket.
Client: Impossible! It’s worked for decades!
Client: I don’t like the T-shirt design. I’m going to want my money back.
Me: Why?
Client: The logo turned out black.
Me: Well, yeah - that’s what you asked for.
Client: It doesn’t show up on a black T-shirt.
Me: You said it was going to be printed on a white or coloured T-shirt.
Client: But the black T-shirts were cheaper…
Me: I’m sorry, but I was...
Persian Restaurant Owner - Hollywood
Designing menus for a restaurant, I had a suggestion for the owner.
Me: To be honest, I would change it to ‘Taco-Dog’ on the menu.
Client: What’s wrong with Dog-Taco?
A client was saying that the type on the buttons didn’t look crisp enough. We had her look at ebay, CNN and Amazon to see if their buttons also didn’t look crisp enough either. Client: Yeah, those don’t look good too. Me: I’m not sure there’s anything we can do to make your buttons clearer than anyone else’s on the internet. Client: Well, but when I look at...
Client: I have to be in the video, but I really don’t want people to see what I look like. Can you just photoshop a tree in front of me?
Me: But then you won’t be visible in the video.
Client: Exactly. I don’t want to be seen.
Me: Why don’t we just shoot the footage without an actor and dub in a vioceover?
Client: No, you don’t understand. I have to be in the...
I was asked to design a logo for a local cafe. After giving them some concepts, I was told that the design was too sexy and provocative for their target audience and that they had hired another designer.
Three weeks later, I entered the cafe and my concept was two metres wide across the main wall.
But they offered me a free coffee and snack.
“Blink, blink, the bitches have to blink!”
– Escort agency gives feedback on their new website
Client: Hello! I am a much-anticipated brand new author and would be most humbled and honored if you would market my new book.
Me: I am happy to market anything you’d like. Just go ahead and purchase a service from me and I’ll get started.
Client: I was wondering if you would also be posting reviews to my book’s Amazon page? I am trying to increase my book sales, so I really...
“Could you also tart up the font?”
Me: Did you want this in colour or black and white?
Client: Yes.
Me: I appreciate your business, but I’d rather you didn’t text me at midnight with your website revisions.
Client: My last designer didn’t care when I texted him.
Me: Wasn’t your last designer your husband?
Client: Yeah, so?
Client: Its not copyright infringement, we added an “s” on the end.
Me: We can not and will not reprint the Red Bull logo for your design - even with the “s” on the end of Bull.
Client: I’m sure its fine. Call Red Bull and ask if you’re so worried.
Client: Okay, I don’t remember the answer to my security questions.
Me: That’s fine. You can just type whatever you want into the answer boxes three times, and then it will email you a password change request.
Client: You want me to type what?
Me: Just gibberish. It doesn’t matter; I just want you to get past the security questions.
Client: Okay. How do you spell...
Client: Can you have it done by this monday?
Me: But today’s Monday.
Client: Yeah, I need it in a few hours.
Me: There are literally two hours left in the day.
Client: Well I won’t need it for Tuesday, so you better hurry if you want to get paid.
At nine months pregnant in the middle of a lunch meeting with a client…
Client: Sorry to interrupt, but are you pregnant?
Me: Yes.
Client: Are you having an abortion?
Me: …What?
Client: Everyone is having those nowadays. I’m sorry, I thought they were ‘hip.’
Considering the client wanted me to make a ‘hip’ design, I’m seriously concerned about...
“Ok, the project has been approved, unless our client wants changes. In that...”
– In either case, it’s due at the end of the week. 