April 2012
Really?
Client: I need that brochure TODAY.
Me: I’m sorry, but your deadline is two weeks from now. I have four other projects due this weekend.
Client: But I’m giving you a deadline NOW.
Me: It’s not feasible to meet it, I’m sorry.
Client: Fine! I’m taking your paycheque to hire someone else to do it.
Me: Well that’s your right.
Client: Do you know anyone who...
“I’d like it much brighter. The white area in particular needs brightening.”
Client: I thought you said the website was friendly.
Me: It is. What issues did you experience?
Client: I typed in my password and I got the error. “Access Denied. Wrong Password”
Me: If you would like, I can give you your username and password.
Client: AFRIENDLY website would’ve given me my password.
Me: Did you click on “Forgot my Password”?
Client: No, I...
A guide for clients on how NOT to ruin great... →
How many clients does it take to screw in a...
I don’t know, we better have a couple meetings to figure it out. Comments are now open. Let’s hear your answer.
“I don’t need it urgently, by the end of the day should be fine.”
– - At the end of a client outline for a highly detailed engineering plan that will contain electrical utilities, security camera lines, fibre optic cables and the like
Client: Hey! This DVD with the commercial doesn’t work!
Me: What do you mean it doesn’t work?
Client: I put it in the computer and this menu comes up and plays 4 seconds of music on a loop.
Me: Do you see the little icon in the bottom left of the screen that is a freeze frame of your commercial?
Client: Yeah.
Me: Click that with your mouse.
Client: That seems like a lot of work.
“The client’s gay so maybe add some colour :-)”
– A suggestion on a client consultation
“We would like the white background to be a darker shade of white.”
Client: We are very disappointed that it took you an extra day to do this project.
Me: I understand. However, the project was nearly twice as big as what we agreed on, a fact I pointed out to you in advance. Additionally, the overall time I billed for this assignment was 25% less than what you originally budgeted - as always, you got more work for less money.
Client: Yes, well you have far too...
“This year, we want our message to be expanded – more targeted.”
– Client’s vision for 2012
I work as a full-time contractor for a client and participate in the weekly conference call. They were discussing whether to hire a job candidate. For purposes of this story, my name is Pat.
Client CEO: Well, he’s not perfect. I think we should hire him but still keep looking. Then if we find someone we like better or cheaper we can just fire him. It’s like what we did with Pat.
...
“Please use purple or any other innovative colour.”
Client: The site is not loading. I restarted the server and nothing happened. Me: What do you mean by restarting the server? Client: I closed Internet Explorer and opened it again
Client: Hello, can I speak to your Managing Director?
Me: I am the Managing Director. Can I help?
Client: No, I want to speak to the person in charge.
Me: I am in charge. Can I help?
Client: Haha, a woman? I doubt it.
He hangs up
March 2012
Client: I don’t know the size of the brochure, so I measured it with a ruler.
Me: Okay, go ahead.
Client: It’s seven inches tall, by eight and a half…plus three little dashes wide.
A client wanted me to upload some photos to their website and sent over a word document with a few images embedded into it.
I replied asking for individual image files, rather than them all in one word document.
A couple of hours later I receive an email containing several word documents, each containing a single image.
“Our in-house designer can do a lot of the work you do, so we’re going to...”
Client: I want you to make me a facebook.
Me: Do you mean a website facebook’s functionality?
Client: No, just a facebook. I’ve been told having a facebook will help my business.
Me: So you want me to make you a design for your facebook page?
Client: No! Not just a page! Make me a whole facebook.
Me: You can make a facebook account, I’ll assist you with that, and we you can...
Me: Hello, I’m calling regarding your post about needing help with a business website?
Client: Ah yes, why don’t you come to my location and I can talk to you about it.
Me: I’d like to first know a little more about what you are actually looking for, all the post said was you needed help with a “business website”
Client: But that could take 15 minutes! Just come to...
