May 2012
Me: Please measure the width of your window so that I know how wide to create your vinyl lettering.
Client: I’m not sure what the exact dimensions are, but it is big.
Me: I’ll need more than that.
Client: It’s made of glass.
April 2012
Working with a client who claims to be a model.
Me: What size would you like for your headshots, 5x7, or 8x10?
Client: Which one is bigger?
#getpaidnotplayed
Client: Of course I’m not going to pay you. We ended up designing the space ourselves.
Me: But didn’t you use all of the ideas and plans I wrote for you?
Client: Yeah, sure – for reference.
Me: So then I designed the space.
Client: Well actually, we talked to the contractor over the phone. I’m not sure where you think you fit into this arrangement.
Me: What did the contractor work off of?
Client:...
#getpaidnotplayed
Client: I can’t pay you.
Me: Why?
Client: Because my client hasn’t paid me.
Me: I can see how that could be frustrating.
What are you owed? Bill deadbeats everywhere and join the World’s Largest Invoice to help freelancers #getpaidnotplayed.
Client hands in his “Print Ready” artwork on a thumb drive. It was a powerpoint document that was in no way “Print Ready.” When I told him this, he replied
Client: What do you mean? It is print ready. See, open the document.
I open the document.
Client: Now go to File. Then Print. Moron.
Email from client:
Client: Please can you print the attached Poster
Nothing attached
Second email from client.
Client: lol It would help if I attached it!
Nothing attached
After a 40 minute in depth presentation entitled “Pay Per Click Activity.”
Me: …and that’s all the pay per click activity we have run this month.
Client: Looks great. But how do we get paid?
Me: It’s pay per click.
Client: As in…
Me: We get paid per click.
Client: I’m not getting it.
#getpaidnotplayed
Client: Here’s that $3,000 we owed you.
Me: Thanks! But where’s the rest?
Client: Well, we were talking about it, and we think the quoted price in the contract is a bit more than we’re willing to pay.
Me: But…
Client: We’re paying you in cash off the books. That means no taxes! Don’t you hate it when you work hard for money and the government keeps it from you? We’re doing you a favour!
Add what...
“The design’s great, but we have a racially diverse customer base. Please...”
One of us! One of us!
I needed to get a hold of a client’s IT department to check on some compatibility issues.
Client: IT… IT… I don’t know who’s in IT. We have a bunch’a Indians running around here sometimes, I’ll grab you one of those. Just let me look in the directory here and find an Indian sounding name… Raji. That sounds good. I’ll send you over to Raji. I...
While designing a Sherlock Holmes poster for a children’s theater group.
Client: You know how you have both Watson and Holmes? Just take out Watson and make Holmes bigger. Also, take out Sherlock’s hands.
Me: But then the notebook he’s holding will be floating…
Client: I can’t overstate how okay I am with a floating notebook.
Client: So you got everything you need? Take all the time you want. We really believe we understand the mind of the creative individual. We know it takes time to create a powerful ad.
Me: Yeah. It does. Thanks.
Client: But it’s urgent. Just imagine that it should have been done as of yesterday.
Me: But no deadline?
Client: Right. Well, I mean, we need it for four days, but otherwise,...
Client: You’re doing your work wrong
Me: What did I do wrong, sir?
Client: You’re not listening to me, this is just wrong.
Me: Can you please tell me what I did wrong?
Client: You’re still not listening… this is like talking to a wall.
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Client: I want the customers to leave their email address and I will reply with the location of the store.
Me: I hardly think that they will give you their email address just for that.
Client: But if they leave their phone numbers, I’ll have to pay out the nose to call them with the address…
The director of a company I designed for a year ago recently retired. The new director contacted me to follow up on the maintenance contract.
Client: I don’t like the look of the site, you’re going to have to completely redesign it.
Me: Your contract only covers monthly maintenance and updates, but I can send you a quote for a redesign if you are interested.
Client: About that -...
Client: Shrink the logo on the left; it can be a smaller. I want it to end up being just as tall, just about as tall, slightly smaller, or even considerably smaller in height than the letters.
Me: So just not bigger?
Client: I didn’t say that.
“I never thought I’d have to pay you! I bought the coffee whenever we met...”
– The most thoughtless AND thoughtful response to $2,000 in overdue fees I’ve ever received.
Client: The server has crashed.
Me: Oh, how do you know?
Client: I can’t get email, nothing is coming through.
Me: OK, but that might not mean a server crash. Have you made any changes to your PC.
Client: No, nothing.
Me: The site seems to be working fine. when did the email stop?
Client: Since I bought this new laptop…
Client: Do you think you can recreate this postcard?
Me: I can recreate it. Not exactly, but close.
Client: Are you going to charge me? It’s for family.
Me: Not my family…
Client: Yeah, we’re not paying for this.
Me: Why not? I’ve spent three weeks on this.
Client: Because we can just use the sample you sent us. Think ahead next time.
Me: But it has the words ‘sample’ across it and it’s four times too small.
Client: Ah. Crap. We need you to send us the final version then.
Me: After I receive payment, sure.
Client: Is that really...
A pair of divorcees and their son wanted portraits done. Though I suggested they take one together (in complimentary outfits), the mother refused.
Client: I don’t like my photos, you need to retake them.
Me: Why?
Client: For one thing, you don’t have any photos of the three of us, and for another, my boobs are hanging out in every photo.
Me: You didn’t want to take any...
A client cancelled an e-transfer for overdue payment. After asking him about it, he offered to send a check. Three weeks later…
Me: Hey, did you ever send that check out? I really can’t continue to work on this project until I see some money from it.
Client: You can’t just ask me for money whenever you want it.
Me: But you said there was a check in the mail.
Client:...
Our team had been developing a website for a national brand, and every time we’d show the client our work-in-progress, they’d say “Add some more snazz to it, more zip, more flashiness!” and we’d add things like drop-shadows and 3D text, to which they’d smile and say “Better! But more snazz! More flashiness!”
The client eventually signed off and we...
“Please send me a jpeg of the logo in all white.”
I sent a draft for an invitation to an event, and I got this response:
Client: Please use different photos. The people from the event you used look fake. And no one seems to be having fun.
I used images that were taken at the client’s previous event.
A client requested I change the colours and photos on a document, along with adding additional images and fresh copy.
Me: Okay, that won’t take me very long. But as we’ve discussed before, the minimum design fee is X.
Client: Why are you charging me a design fee? I’m only having you make minor changes. You’ve ALREADY designed it. Just change it.
Me: I will have to take...
“That looks gay. Make it more sexist, but be subtle.”
Client: I’d like a picture with greener grass.
Me: Does that mean your ad is in color this week?
Client: Well, no.
“I wanted zipadeedoo-dah, not zipadeedoo-nay!”
– Client’s explanation for why he didn’t like my work
Me: If we could just get a copy of your logo, we’ll go away and start work on the brief.
Client: Oh, sure, it’s on this USB stick.
Me: What file format is it? Do you have an eps or ai file for use?
Client: No, it’s on the USB stick.
It was at this point I noticed their logo, about 8mm wide, printed on the side of the USB stick.
While discussing how to fit an entire production team in an 8.5”x11” photo.
Client: Can’t everyone stand in the front for a while?
Me: Excuse me?
Client: Yeah, I saw that photo effect in a Harry Potter movie once. Isn’t that photoshop?
Me: No. That’s magic.
Client: Do you charge?
Me: Yes.
Client: Money?
Me: Hello, John here.
Client: Ha HA!
Me: …
Client: I knew you were avoiding me! Your receptionist said you were away from your desk.
Me: I am. You called my mobile
Client: …
“It looks pretty similar to what I provided in the word document, but...”
Client: I want you to bill me for $50k, but I’ll only pay you the $1000 you quoted me.
Me: Why would I do that?!
Client: Then I can write it off on my taxes as a business expense.
Me: That’s fraud.
Client: No, no, then you can say that I paid you $50k, and nobody is the wiser.
Me: Except then, I’d end up paying a lot of bogus tax on income I didn’t receive.
Client:...
At 5:30 this morning:
Client: Take the signup flyer down from the website! It contains all my tax information!
The client started yelling at me for not checking what I was posting (I’m a tech, not a proofreader), making sloppy mistakes, and not doublechecking issues.
Long story short, he had his taxes open in a different document and thought they were part of the flyer he was looking at.
“We’re not paying that much for black and white print outs. Give us the...”
Me: Here is the revised proof for your vehicle graphics.
Client: I want this proofed in 3D. Please make it in 3D.
Me: As in, made from computer graphics.
Client: Yeah. But in 3D. Like this:
The client then holds up a Hot Wheels toy.
He didn’t say or do anything, he just held it. And stared.
“The site is not sophisticated enough. Can we put some coconuts in it, and can...”
Client: I need you to make me a logo
Me: Okay, did you have something in mind?
Client: No, just see what you can come up with
Client sees first couple drafts of logo ideas…
Me: What do you think?
Client: You tell me.
Me: Is there anything wrong?
Client: I think you should know if there is.
Me: I need some feedback.
Client: You don’t seem to like my answers.
“Can you make the silhouette more Asian?”
Conversation with client after revision #10 Client: It looks good, but I want more white space! Me: Okay. Client: And we decided the surface needs to be smaller overall, but keep the text the same size. Me: But you want more negative space? Client: Yes! And add this text to it? The client then sent me twice as much copy as was currently on the site.
“How do you print a video?”
After starting and stopping development once already on a complex educational website, our client finally gave us the go-ahead to develop the site completely. A month after work had begun, we received the following email:
Client: We have been reviewing our user situation and are unsure whether many of them will have internet access. Could you supply the website on a CD?
“I think we need to take this flyer in a less colorful, more serious direction. ...”
Client: What would it take for you to add this feature to the site?
Me: Money.
Client: Um … what else?
Me: Cash.
Client: I’m not getting this for free, am I?
“This has been sitting on the counter for a while. Are you sure I won’t get...”
– A client asking about a CD she left out for a few days.
Client: We won’t pay you if you don’t submit the reports by midnight tomorrow.
Me: But you haven’t even given me the complete data sets yet! I only have 6 out of 10!
Client: We’ll give you the rest of them tomorrow, but we need to see your drafts timestamped March 31. Otherwise you won’t get paid.
After pulling a 30-hour writing marathon, I sent six drafts off via...
