March 2012
“Don’t use horizontal lines on the website, they don’t represent our...”
February 2012
Tell me what you want in one word (or less)
From: CLIENT Subject: WEDDING Message Body: PRICES
“Don’t go all union on me!”
– Client’s response to being asked to sign a contract
Conversation via email about a booklet brochure I’ve been working on for 3 weeks.
Client: Can you send over the Photoshop files of the booklet you’ve designed for us?
Me: I don’t do that sort of layout in Photoshop, but I’m happy to give you the files once everything is done and paid for.
Client: We don’t want to pay anymore, so just send over the files. My...
“When you make a logo, do you design it yourself or do you just find something...”
“Furthermore, as freelancer you know that the routine for payments is this:...”
– a client’s reply to an inquiry about an unpaid bill
“Please disregard the attachments I’m sending you in this email. I will...”
Client: You’ve broken our contract. I’m not paying.
Me: Why would you think I have broken our contract?
Client: The title of the site was “discover the undiscovered”, not “discover yourself”.
Me: Oh, my bad. Let me fix that.
Client: No, you’ve broken our contract. “Discover yourself” is too close to “f*ck yourself”. This shows...
“You should know when I say something that I won`t like later”
Client: Can you update my Adobe?
Me:Sure. Which program are you using?
Client: You need to listen to me when I speak! ADOBE
Me:Yes, I got that part. Adobe is the publisher, they make quite a-
Client: Adobe! I want my Adobe updated. I have no idea what you’re talk about…
Me: Adobe makes lots of programs. Like, you wouldn’t say, “I just updated my Microsoft - “
...
“I was looking for something more detailed and simple.”
Client: I need this translated from English by Monday.
Me: Are you ok with the price per page?
Client: Yes.
Me: Are you OK with the number of pages?
Client: Yes.
On Monday…
Me: Here is the document translated. That would be 200 euros.
Client: Oh, I thought it would be 30 or 40 euros. You just keep the document I don’t have that much money.
“Complementary colors… they just don’t go well together.”
Client: I saw the press release you published. I don’t like the picture, please change it.
Me: You’re holding today’s newspaper with the article in your hands, right?
Client: What’s your point?
Client: Why have you taken my website down? I demand you put it back immediately!
Me: You didn’t pay your January invoice, and although I explained very clearly the consequences of that non-payment, you still refused, so the website is now offline.
Client: But it’s February now, so put it back online at once.
Me: Well, you are refusing to pay the February invoice too, so I’m...
“This is not time-sensitive, but I need it before Monday.”
Client: I have a project for you, it’s due tomorrow. Me: Shoot me an email with the specs and I’ll take a look at it tonight.
When I get home, in my email I find a homework assignment for a class he was taking.
“Oh we can’t use this design…it’s too nice.”
Client: Our page isn’t updated.
Me: We haven’t been given any content to update it with.
Client: We thought we’d save time and space by not sending the attachments.
Me: You’re saving time and space by not sending the content we need to update with?
Client: The emails sent faster, didn’t they!?
“Please let me know if I need to make any changes ASAP. If you take too long it...”
While editing a video, we put in an Elton John song as a placeholder for the music.
Client (upon realizing that the music bed was Elton): Did we really get Elton John to record a song for our video?
Me: It depends. Was your video budget recently bumped up to 5 million dollars?
Client: No.
Me: Then, no.
Client: Can you fax this for me?
Me: Sure.
Client: What are you doing? Those are confidential papers!
Me: Ma’am, you asked me to fax this.
Client: Just fax it through in the envelope. I don’t want you seeing my confidential papers.
“Please block all Chinese IPs. And make the text extra small, just in case any...”
Me: On which page do you need these graphics?
Client: It would be good to put them somewhere visible.
Me: The internet isn’t working - but don’t worry, we’ve called to get it sorted and they said it should be up in the next ten minutes.
Client: We’ll just e-mail in Outlook then.
Me: That’ll be down too.
Client: Fine! It’s unprofessional, but we’ll use Facebook.
Me: Do you understand what the internet is?
“How many megawatsits are an image?”
While figuring out the sizing of a poster for a client.
Client: Wait… I see the 24”x36” option, but below it also says centimeters on it! Where are the centimeters? I don’t see them. Do they make it bigger that 24”x36”?
Me: No. We work with other countries and include metric measurements for them. It’s the same measurement.
Client: But these are...
After creating a contract for a painting, the ‘client’ had this to say:
Me: Okay, the contract is attached. Please review and sign.
Client: I don’t like this. I am MORE than a client. I am the principle artist. You have to change this in the contract. You are only an illustrator and I’m the one that came up with the idea anyways. If anything, you should be paying me for...
“No, no, this is all wrong. Our colors are black, blue, lime green and clear!”
Me: Can you send me that on DVD?
Client: Well, it is 4.15 GB file so I’ll have to use two of them.
Me: DVD should hold 4.7 GB - I think one’ll be enough.
Client: Are you listening to me? It is 4.15 GB. 15 is more than 7. Idiot…
“Do you know anything about protecting websites from viruses and sperm?”
Me: That will cost you one hour of work.
Client: Can you charge us for 30 minutes?
Me: No, the minimum charge is for one hour.
Client: OK, no problem. Charge us for one hour, but add a 50% discount.
“Here is a list of sites you can steal images from.”
Hi,
I’ve just printed out the website and it didn’t work too well. The graphics are all over the place and the links don’t work.
Can you look into it, please?
Thanks, A Client From Hell
“The website looks great on my screen, but I want to come in to see it in person...”
I received an email at 3PM on a Thursday asking for a flyer by Monday.
Me: I have a full queue right now. To be honest, I don’t quite understand the terminology you’re using. Can we meet tomorrow about this project?
Client: I’ll be on vacation tomorrow but will be back on Monday.
Me: So you need this now?
Client: Let me know when you have time to talk about it. How’s...
“Can you export this video to viral?”
D*mn Autocorrect
A few minutes after sending a text message to a client explaining that the work wasn’t finished, I received a phone call from him asking if I was upset. Re-reading my message I realized why he received that impression:
Me: I just finished creating the video tutorials from the user side. I will do the damn video tutorials tonight.
I meant to say “admin video.”
“Let’s call The Google and tell them we are sorry we bought those links.”
I gave a client statistics regarding an online application we created.
Client: 80% of app-users? 80% out of what?
Me: Out of all app-users. It’s out of 100%.
Client: Well, it could be out of 1000%. Please be more detailed with your data.
“Let’s sync our servers. My current server time is 13:38:29”
I was cutting out some foamboard for a client.
Client: No no no! We need three right arrows and two left arrows! Not the other way around!
I turned one of the extra left arrows 180 degrees.
Client: How’d you do that?
“Do that thing they do on CSI and it should be fine.”
– A client adamant that an image can’t be too pixelated to be blown up.
Client: Hey, I want to cancel the project so If you could just give me a full refund of my non-refundable deposit and we’ll both go our separate ways
Me: I’m afraid the non-refundable deposit can’t be returned.
Client: What? Why?
Me: It’s non-refundable.
Client: Well I didn’t know that!
“Can you try a more serious font here? No offense, but your font choices are...”
3 tags
Tumblin': An Interview with Clients from Hell →
The incredibly talented Tumblr theme shop, Pixel Union, has done an interview with us for their new web series, Tumblin’. Check it out!
Croptastrophe
Client: I really like the blue card with the white text. I also liked the little squares you put in the corners on the white card.
I was confused for a second, until I realized he liked the crop marks in the corners of the spec design.
“We would like you to manage our website. We’ve previously had a dream...”
Client: Hi, I’m about to get on a plane and won’t be in touch the rest of the day. There’s a new project that I’ve got someone handling, they’ll call later on and let you know what’s needed. They need to check with some guys over the weekend to get all our ducks in a row, but then we should be good to go.
Me: Well, Ok. What’s the deadline on this?
...
“I don’t like Google Blogger logo, can you please change it?”
