January 2013
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Client: Looks great, just one change. Don’t use that picture of the model on the site. She looks so Asian!
Me: Well, she is Asian.
Client: I don’t care, it’s racist.
Me: I don’t think you know what ‘racist’ means…
Client: I don’t think you know what ‘Asian’ means!
December 2012
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A local shop hired me to create a website for them. After agreements were made, I asked if they wanted anything in particular, which they answered by directing me to a competitor’s site and saying “Something like that, but prettier.”
I created a template, which they approved, and sent them copies. They paid the first half of the fee, and work started.
Two months later, I finish...
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“Uh, the year has 48 weeks not 52 .Week no 17,18,19, and 20 should represent the...”
– Comments on a proposed 2013 calendar
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I had
a client
who typed
every
single
e-mail
like
this.
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“I can’t say why, exactly, but the illustration of the dinosaur...”
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In the early days of the .com boom, I met a potential client for a design briefing.
Client: I want you to design me a website on the internet.
Me: Is it for your existing business?
Client: No.
Me: What is the website for?
Client: It can be anything, I just want you to design me a .com website that I can sell it later for a lot of money.
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Client: Do you put stuff on the seat of benches?
Me: You mean apply decals to them?
Client: Yeah, you know - print stuff on the seat of the bench.
Me: I would have to check to make sure. What kind of an ad were you looking for?
Client: Well, it’s not an ad, exactly.
Me: What is it?
Client: A picture of my ex-wife’s face.
Me: …
Client: So every time I sit down, she can...
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“I only use Arial because my daughter’s name is Ariel.”
– My son Papyrus can go straight to hell though.
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I help with tech setup for a number of musicians, bands, and live performances. Equipment is rented far in advance of the show.
Client: Can we have another microphone for the bassist to sing into?
Me: No, sorry - you sent us your tech rider with exactly how many microphones you needed on it. We didn’t bring any more than that.
Client: Oh okay. What about a microphone for this extra guitar...
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I’m a tattoo artist. A client was getting a black ink tattoo with a fair amount of shading involved.
Client: Can you make it darker?
Me: You sure? Can’t exactly erase this if you change you mind.
Client: Of course.
I shaded it a bit darker.
Client: Hey, can you make it lighter?
Me: …
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Client: I need this project to be really creative, really different.
Later…
Me: Here you go.
Client: I don’t like it.
Me: What would you like us to do?
Client: Make it look like the last one we did.
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Having developed a web page for the client, they decided to generate and implement all the content themselves in order to save money.
Client: None of our hyperlinks are working.
Me: Are you sure you linked the correct addresses and such?
Client: That’s just the thing; we don’t know where it’s trying to link to. We just underlined the text and were not further prompted.
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Me: Hello, I’ve attached a proof of your business card for you to approve before we print.
Client: Looks great! Send to print.
The next day…
Client: The last name is spelled wrong.
Me: But you okayed the proof.
Client: I didn’t actually look at the proof!
Me: …
Client: Don’t you have some sort of approval process?
Me: Yes. I send clients a proof before it goes...
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“We want to go to a website but the antivirus says it contains a virus. Can you...”
2 tags
After completing a long, arduous Photoshopping task for a fashion company, the payment was due.
Me: In accordance with the contract, you owe me X.
Client: That’s quite a lot of money. How about I don’t tell anyone you slept with two of our models?
Me: I didn’t sleep with any of your models…
Client: How about instead of payment, I organize that?
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“Use the black and white photo of me in the green shirt.”
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Client: We want a new logo to go with the new website that you’re designing for us.
Me: Unfortunately a new logo design wasn’t part of the agreement, we’ll have to negotiate an additional contract and treat the new logo as a separate project.
Client: Okay, let’s just forget about it then. Can you at least make our current logo thicker or bolder so it stands out more?
Me:...
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“Next, how do I insert a link to an actual sheet of paper?”
– Client seeking instructions on adding content to their site. They were looking to link to a Word document.
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I was working with a worldwide credit card brand. They tapped me to manage a radio ad for a promotion they were running. It had already been recorded in London; all we had to do was add the local contact details at the end. But when the file came, it turned out it was 30 seconds long; however, they had only booked 20-second slots and they couldn’t book a longer one.
I offered to edit the ad down...
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“Make the design more pizazzy.”
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A client sent me an email, claiming he had attached a pair of images he wanted to use for an 11”x17” poster.
However, the attachment was a single 800 pixel wide compressed jpeg.
I downloaded the jpeg, and it was a giant white canvas, with the two smaller images he wanted me to use on it. I cut them out to attempt to use them. They were only 300 pixels wide. And made out of jpeg...
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While helping a client create a digital portfolio…
Client: Can we print it out?
Me: We could make that happen, but I thought the portfolio pieces were being submitted digitally…?
Client: Yes, but we need to put them in iPhoto.
Me: This is iPhoto.
Client: We need to print it out so we can take a picture of it so we can scan it in and put it into iPhoto.
Me: …
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“Maybe we should write the website in another colour or font - how about blue and...”
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Creative Frustrations in A3 Poster Form.
(x)
We posted about the Sharp Suits exhibit last month, but readers are still submitting about it - so here it is again.
“Are you serious!? That’s what you charge!? I thought that last zero was a...”
– Client response to a query from me, asking why he only paid 1/10th of my invoice.
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Client: Find attached the text for our terms and conditions. Remember to include this, as it’s only protection against theft. Simply copy and paste the text.
The attached “text” was a picture taken (from his camera phone) of a tablet with the terms and conditions of a competing app open.
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I was asked to design an album cover for a client. Attached were two photos - one of the client and one of a pot of crack cocaine being cooked.
Client: Could you just like Photoshop my face at the bottom of the pot or something?
After I did, he sent me a few variations on the picture of crack cocaine.
Client: Thanks, but it’s not quite right. Can you try it with one of these instead?
...
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“The images need to be in JavaScript format.”
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Client: I need a message centre on our new website so I can log in and leave messages for my customers to read. Can you build this?
Me: Why don’t you just send them an email?
Client: Because sometimes they don’t always have internet access. Can you build it or not?
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After showing a client some visual effects for a television show…
Client: I like what you did here. I’m not going to make you change it. But here’s what I want you to do.
He then proceeds to tell me how to change it.
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“What are you talking about? EVERYONE prints e-newsletters.”
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I first contacted a client via a freelancing website and signed the email with [my name]. The client asked for my Skype account - which is [MyName]. After talking on Skype for 30 minutes the client asks for my email address to pass an NDA my way. I oblige with myname@myname.com
Finally…
Client: What’s your name? Sort of stupid not to introduce yourself from the get-go, but...
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“We want an epic, end-of-world doomsday scene - with a fun Christmas edge”
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Me: Do you have a logo?
Client: Yes, I have a logo. It’s very nice and simple. It’s a globe.
Me: Cool, I’ll take a look at it and add it to the header. Can you send it to me?
Client: You can find it on Google Images. Search for “globe” and check page 5. There’s a nice blue one I like.
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Client: I haven’t heard back from you regarding the forms.
Me: I haven’t received them, sorry. When did you submit them?
Client: I haven’t.
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I was helping a client create a mascot for their delivery company. I had already sent them some designs and was getting feedback.
Client: Could we change the eyes?
Me: Okay, did you have something in mind?
Client: Yes, I want him to have eyes like Herbie’s.
Me: Herbie? Like… the car?
Client: Yes, that’s it.
Me: But… Herbie’s a car. He doesn’t have eyes -...
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“We want to maintain the appearance of credibility.”
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A client was on his fourth set of revisions this week. He insisted each ‘revision’ be completed from scratch. His last revision involved changing the font, as they were ‘all mixed up.’ He (once again) insisted I start from scratch in order to fix the problem.
Me: Can you try and show me where the faulty font is?
Client: They’re all over! Look at that!
He points...
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“Could we take a picture of the glove and Photoshop some breathability?”
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A client sent me 24 files over Skype…
Client: I need to send my logo to a printers, but I don’t know what one to send. I’m just sending you all my files can you tell me what one to send.
Me: You’ll want to use a vectorized-one, preferably a file-format like -
Client: I don’t have time for this, I’ll email you the files instead.
Me: You already sent them on...
Cash in on self-hate! 25 words of self-deprecation...
Tweaky.com was so pleased with their last sponsored post on our site that they wanted to reward our readers! That, or the influx of fans who found out about their service and found it useful proved beneficial to their business. Possibly both.
Whatever the case, tell Tweaky.com what you hate about your site in 25 words or less for your chance to receive $500 worth of free tweaks from the...
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“My team ain’t f**kin with the cover, yo!”
– Client response to the cover I designed for his rap album.
I have literally no idea if he likes it or not.
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Client: We would like to have a shot of the sun rising and setting over the ocean.
Me: We can shoot the sunset, but it’s impossible to get the sunrise right.
Client: Why?
Me: Well, the sun rises from the East. The coast we are shooting from is on the western part of the country.
Client: So what?
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A couple months ago, I did a website designed around a product a client of mine was pitching. He needed it to look good and to be done quickly. Because of the rush, he agreed to a higher rate.
After finishing, I contact my client to get my payment. He says he had a bank problem and would pay me next Monday.
Monday comes by, and new excuses appear too.
Friday comes and nothing. Finally, after...
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“Hey, I know it’s been a while, but do you happen to know our office WiFi...”
– A client I haven’t seen since 2010
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Client: Do you think we can print this on 11”x17” paper instead?
Me: I’ll have to modify the design a bit. Would you like me to redesign it to fit on 11”x17” instead?
Client: No, I just want it on the next size up.
Me: …So you just want to have the 8.5”x11” poster printed on 11”x17” paper?
Client: Yes.
Me: May I ask why?
Client: I...
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Client: Could you please send me the bill in the next view days!
Three hours later…
Me: Hi, I’ve attached the bill.
One minute later…
Client: Hello! Please note that I am currently on vacation and I won’t be returning until January 2nd. After January 13th, I will no longer be working at this office. This is a automatic response your email will not be passed...
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I spent weeks writing dozens of online descriptions for a client’s motel chain. These were all instantly approved with enthusiasm, except for the 73rd.
A group email was sent out from the client to the entire project team — including both my bosses — blasting me for “numerous spelling errors.”
Pouring over the copy that I had already submitted and intended to send, I found that...
