February 2012
“Here is the logo I drew. Ignore the yellow striped paper, it was the only scrap...”
– The first of three e-mails explaining that the logo didn’t have to be yellow, striped, or drawn with a ballpoint pen.
January 2012
Client: I received an email from you inviting me to a shared folder on Dropbox. What should I do with it?
Me: Read it.
“What’s your email address?”
– Sent via e-mail
Me: Would you like it to be done the A way or the B way?
Client: Yes.
We were working on a project for a non-profit that works with kids.
Client: We absolutely cannot use this photo. I like the others, just not this one.
Me: Why’s that?
Client: I don’t want to feed into the stereotype that all black kids play sports. I don’t like the letterman jacket he’s wearing.
Me: Oh. He’s not wearing a letterman jacket, that’s an...
“Don’t ever take that tone of voice in an email with me again, young man.”
– Client response to an e-mail asking them if they would like to reset their password
I was working on a website and needed some text material from the client so I asked her to send me the texts. A couple of days later I get a letter in the mail containing hand-written text.
Me: Thanks for the text material, but I’d appreciate if you could send me the texts in digital format as agreed.
Client: Oh, OK! I’ll do it right away.
Me: Great, thanks!
The day after she...
Whilst making a single screen ‘billboard’ at the beginning of a TV program:
Client: Can you make the logos bigger? They need to be bigger.
Me: They’re right at the edge of title safe right now, so we cant go much bigger.
Client: Yes but they need to take up a quarter of the screen each.
Me: A quarter of the screen each?
Client: Yes, everybody paid for their logos to be a...
Me: Did you want the font in cursive or something more simple?
Client: I want it in English.
Me: English is a language - cursive is a type of font we use. Did you want it to be fancy, or simple?
Client: No! In English!
Me: English it is then.
A client kept trying to send me a higher resolution photo, but I kept getting the same size e-mailed to me.
Client: I don’t get it! I click the % to enlarge the picture in Photo Viewer before I send it.
I asked a client to send me either a PDF or a picture of her website idea. She sent me a PDF, containing a picture of another PDF.
After sending two invoices for payment, I sent another and called the client when the receipt that they had received it came back.
Client: Why are you calling me?
Me: You haven’t paid and this is the third invoice I’ve sent.
Client: It’s even more than the last one!
Me: Yes. The contract you signed stated that I would add a late fee for payment.
Client: You mean I have...
“Can you design our website so it prints in landscape format?”
“I’ve decided on the photos that I would like you to use on the website....”
A client has various business areas which are identified by acronyms, including LAP, EQP and FAP. They wanted some new online adverts made up. I asked what ideas they’d had for the text. This is what they came back with
FAP online (everyone is doing it)
FAP in schools
FAP for life.
A client was particularly anxious about receiving a video file before the end of the day.
Client: I need another ETA on the upload.
Me: It says there is half an hour left to encode the video, then I’m guessing 10-15 minutes to upload.
Client: Okay, thanks.
Me: Do you need it for a screening tonight or something?
Client: No, we need to Fedex it to someone who doesn’t understand the...
Client: Why isn’t this site working?! We have a meeting in a few hours and we can’t send them a broken site! Is it the network or do we need to buy a security certificate like it says in the error? Is this something IT needs to take care of or is this your department? Is it because of our firewall or is the site just down? I tried in IE and Firefox.
Me: You added a period at the end...
“Be sure to put every letter of the alphabet in the URL. I want my site to come...”
Client: I can’t seem to find the search box, can you please make sure it’s working?
Me: The search box is in the top left hand corner of every page.
Client: Is that on your left or my left?
“You should have explained beforehand that I would have to pay.”
– He said, explaining that he thought the contract he signed was a joke.
Client: Can we use a font type that’s more whimsical?
I send him a proof.
Client: Is this a font for fairies or something?
My internet is down today, but I would still very much like to see the latest corrected draft of the website. Can you send it by FAX to this number?
“We’re a pretty forward thinking company - with pretty tech savvy...”
Client: Can you print me that page in high-res? I need to e-mail it to my customer.
Me: There’s a PDF on your website which I optimized for sharing – let me send it to you again.
Client: The pictures are not sharp enough. I’ll scan your high-res print-out and e-mail that.
Me: I’m afraid this would degrade the quality further – like making a copy of a copy. Let me make a new...
“Lastly, regarding SEO: We put about 1600 keywords into the keywords meta tag for...”
A client rang me to tell me that the changes he’d asked for on his site were not appearing on his screen.
Me: It seems everything is there. Try refreshing?
Client: No, I still can’t see it.
Me: Are you sure? Try pressing Ctrl+F5 instead, there may be a cached version in your browser.
Client: No, I still can’t see it.
Me: What browser are you using to view the site?
...
Client: I need you to reformat this so that it matches our new marketing and logo redesign.
Me: Okay. Can you send the new logo and some samples of your new marketing?
Client: Oh, we’re still deciding on that internally. Can’t you just take a few guesses in the meantime?
Client: I need you to reformat this so that it matches our new marketing and logo redesign.
Me: Okay. Can you send the new logo and some samples of your new marketing?
Client: Oh, we’re still deciding on that internally. Can’t you just take a few guesses in the meantime?
Client: You’ll be working with one of our interns on this project. She’s not much of a designer, but I’m paying her and she doesn’t have much else to do.
Me: Does she have any design experience at all?
Client: Well, she has a Mac.
At 3am, after finishing a website template for a client who had to have it “by 6am their time,” I sent an email letting her know that it was finished. The next day I get a call:
Client: I don’t appreciate you staying out all night when you should be working on my project.
Me: I’m sorry? I was working all last night. As you can see, I sent you an e-mail -
Client: I see...
“Just like it was only …better.”
– Round 16 of drafts between a client and I
“Just like it was only …better.”
– Round 16 of drafts between a client and I
“And are we still on track for launch on January 23, between 18:43 and 22:18?...”
Client: My previous developer set up my Paypal for me.
Me: And have you accessed it at all?
Client: No - they said I should just start seeing money going into my bank account automatically.
Me: And have you seen any money?
Client: No, but I haven’t talked to my her since her husband got put in jail for being a con artist. She disappeared. I don’t think she wants to talk to...
I was at the airport, ready to leave for vacation when I got a panicked phone call from a client. She stated that the video I sent her - part of a large marketing campaign - was missing the sound. After a lot of shouting and threats on her part, I agreed to go to her office try and fix it.
After being escorted into her office, I played the video and double-checked her computer’s sound...
Client: Could you please print out the PDF, bind it and mail it to me? I can’t see the letters too well - they’re too small on the screen.
Me: Did you try to zoom in?
Client: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that PDFs don’t do that. Just send me a printed copy, bound.
Client: I do have the logo on a Mac Disk, will that help?
Me: Please email the logo
Client: Trouble is we don’t have any Macs, and our PC’s don’t even accept floppy’s. How about I mail it to you?
Me: Are you saying the logo is on a 3.5” floppy disk?!
Client: I’ll have to double check.
A few minutes of waiting.
Client: The floppy disk measures 3.5 inches, yes.
“We would like to get notifications for unplanned outages 3-4 days in advance.”
– A client who doesn’t understand the definition of “unplanned.”
Me: The problem appears to be your anti-spam
Client: I don’t have one of those.
Me: I’m certain you do.
Client: No, I have an Auntie Lorraine.
“Just get high and show me creativity!”
Client: The text is not black enough.
Me: It is set as ‘Black’ in the style sheet….
Client: Ok, but can you make it blacker than that black?
Me: Hold on, I’ll try something. Give me an hour.
I went to lunch.
Me: Okay, can you refresh your browser now?
Client: Yes, thats better, thanks.
After giving a client his requested site design, he made it clear he wasn’t pleased.
Me: But that’s what you asked for…
Client: Yeah, but I meant that figuratively.
Me: So you don’t want it to look like this?
Client: No, I do. Just think of the site design as a metaphor of a real website.
Me: What?
Client: And could you burn the designs on to a CD once you’re done? I’ll have someone pick it up.
Me: I could e-mail it to you - if that’s to your convenience.
Client: Hmm… Well, I don’t have e-mail. But you could send it to my Gmail.
Me: Here are the photographs from the shoot yesterday
Client: Nice shots - I like this one from behind the man. Can you just flip the image so we can see his face and not the back of his head?
Me: You want me to turn him around in the photograph so you can see his face?
Client: Yes - and maybe we can make him black. Do you have Photoshop?
Client: Can you scan this printout for me and make it a PDF so I can email it to someone?
Me: Sure, but since I’m scanning a printout, it’s not going to look that great.
Client: I have the original file that was emailed to me if you think that will work better.
Me: Is it a PDF?
Client: Yeah.
Silence.
Client: Oh.
Client: Can you scan this printout for me and make it a PDF so I can email it to someone?
Me: Sure, but since I’m scanning a printout, it’s not going to look that great.
Client: I have the original file that was emailed to me if you think that will work better.
Me: Is it a PDF?
Client: Yeah.
Silence.
Client: Oh.
I’m a freelance designer. At lunch with a client, he requested to see a wireframe on my laptop.
Client: Wow, that loaded really fast! How is your laptop that fast?
Me: Well, I had to pay extra for a faster processor. This way, I get an extra gigahertz, and my programs can launch and render that much faster.
Client: Don’t you mean gigabytes? Everything in computers is measured in...
Client: The executives have us on a very tight budget, so don’t expect your going rate. As you can see, everyone has these cheap knockoff “dɥ” brand laptops.
The client points to logo on laptop cover.
Client: Have you ever even heard of “dɥ” brand?
Me: Actually, I think that’s an upside down Hewlett Packard logo…
Client: The executives have us on a very tight budget, so don’t expect your going rate. As you can see, everyone has these cheap knockoff “dɥ” brand laptops.
The client points to logo on laptop cover.
Client: Have you ever even heard of “dɥ” brand?
Me: Actually, I think that’s an upside down Hewlett Packard logo…
Me: I still haven’t received payment for X
Client: Ah yes, there’s a very good reason for that. The invoice number was 666.
Me: And?
Client: And I’m not associating with the devil in any way.
Me: What if I send you another invoice?
Client: Nice try, but you’ve already made the mistake. Just try and sue me, I have religious rights.
