August 2011
A client asked me to color some black and white pictures of his mother as a child.
Client: It’s for her funeral next week.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry to hear about her passing. What type of hair color and skin tone did your mother have as a child?
Client: I’ll snip a piece of her hair off. You can scan it and take the color from there.
Me: …
A client hadn’t replied to my latest proof. I asked if he’d seen it yet, to which he replied: “There are too many words. I don’t like to read that much (nor do I have the time), and frankly, I don’t think other people do either” There were literally seven words on the proof.
“I’m trying to print that black and white flyer you made me, but my printer...”
“The website is not clean and simple enough! We need to add more stuff until it...”
“We need you to prevent people from updating our Wikipedia page.”
“Can we flood Yelp, Tripadvisor, and other sites with good reviews? Our place has...”
– A client who recently lost their business license.
“We need to incorporate my pet ferrets into the wedding.”
“Let’s make it pop better – maybe “darker” white or “lighter” black,...”
– A client affectionately referred to as Mr. Grey
Size Matters
Me: A banner should be easy. What dimensions do you need?
Client: What?
Me: What size?
Client: Why do you always ask that? You know I hate that question.
I told a client I would be out of the town for several days on vacation, and mentioned it to him numerous times. Then, I received this text:
Client: I need you to call me ASAP.
Figuring it was an emergency (and currently hurtling down the freeway), I pulled into the nearest town, scrambled to find a phone (mine had died), and finally got a hold of the client. Me: Hi, sorry it took so long to...
Me: Hi, I’m just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say ‘programs’ for the third question?
Client: NO. What I sent along was completely accurate, I wrote and edited it myself. Just copy it over exactly as it says, I’ll explain it nice and slowly for you.
Me: ‘Please indicate which pogroms you’ve attended?’
Client: Yeah, that should be programs.
A client had two minutes of footage of a crowded beach for a commercial, with more than 20 people walking around, swimming, and sunbathing, with umbrellas, towels and other stuff littering the sand.
Client: We decided that the beach should be empty, so we need you to delete everything in the scene except the sand and the sea.
Me: Wouldn’t it be easier to go there again and shoot it while...
Budget meeting with the client who wants to know the specific costs of a project.
Client: There are going to be lots of visual effects.
Me: Like what?
Client: I can’t tell you.
Me: Why?
Client: Because it’s a secret and I don’t want anybody to know about it.
Me: I can’t give you a remotely accurate estimate without more information.
Client: Fine fine [pulling in...
Presenting website traffic to a client
Client: Can you use that to track down our visitors’ email addresses, so we can send them stuff?
Me: …No.
Client: Well, as close as you can get to that… [winks] …would be great.
“LOOKS GOOD EXEPT HELLERTOWN SPEELING”
Close Enough
Client: I want more ethnic people, I feel as if there are too many “white” people.
Me: I see only one picture with Caucasian people in it - you want them gone?
Client: Maybe you could just give them a tan? Or make them more “thuggish?”
“I don’t see Friendster in this strategy.”
– Client
Client: We really loved the work you did in our babies nursery.
Me: Thank you.
Client: But…
Me: …
Client: We’re moving and would like a refund since the mural will no longer be in “our” nursery.
Me: What?
Client then proceeds to state their case. This continues for some time.
Client: Then if you won’t refund the money can you at least re-create the...
In the midst of building a high def video website for a client:
Client: So, I’m starting to this this video site idea is a bad thing. I just don’t think that broadband penetration in the US is there yet. It’s only 26% in US households.
Me: [Dumbfounded] The US numbers are way higher than that - we presented the data a few months ago.
Client: Well, I found some new numbers...
An client wanted to boost it’s PR and requested a brochure featuring groups of multicultural people working together, with a special the need for images of women within these photos. The picture was supposed to suggest “commercial success.”
After eliminating every picture featuring Middle-Eastern, Indian, Pacific Islander or African people, the client decided the images of a man...
“I will be forced to start ringing you at 3am if I can’t get your help!”
– From a client I (repeatedly) turned down due to lack of budget.
A client wanted some special “retouching” on some of his photographs. The actual request, unedited:
Hi,
I want you to modify a photography (more later if i’m please with your work) who contain a dressed woman and i want you to male her naked, then put her in a explicit position, making sex with a man (porn actor for example). I can send you some pictures of her body from...
A recent email from a fairly demanding client…
Plese see ttched – cn you scroll through nd refer to ll yellow highlights nd trcked chnges… for updtes to progrm n the web…
Srry.. few lettrs on my keybord not working… including totl lck of uestion mrks, exclmtion mrks nd various other imortnt things….. sre you cn figur out which nes… The client sent me an e-mail...
A recent email from a fairly demanding client…
Plese see ttched – cn you scroll through nd refer to ll yellow highlights nd trcked chnges… for updtes to progrm n the web…
Srry.. few lettrs on my keybord not working… including totl lck of uestion mrks, exclmtion mrks nd various other imortnt things….. sre you cn figur out which nes… The client sent me an e-mail...
Me: Hi, how can I help you?
Client: What’s your companies phone number?
Me: Our phone number…?
Client: Yes.
Me: The number you just called.
Client: Thanks! (Hangs up)
Client: Try to use some natural browns and nude colours. Remember my products are mostly white and greys.
The next day…
Client: How is the revision going? Remember, the most important thing is for the colours to be vibrant!
Client: Can I get you to combine these two slides into one?
Me: Sure, it’s done. Check your mail.
Client: That’s not what I asked for! Why did you do it that way?
Me: There were two slides, now there’s one. What’s the problem?
Client: I wanted you to merge the content!
Me: Then why didn’t you say that? I can’t read your mind.
Client: Why not?
Me: Did you...
“Please do me a small favor and convert all 357 word documents into pdf format.”
I was designing a book cover that featured the author. He pulled some extremely small images of himself by a well-known photographer off the internet for me to use.
Me: Do you have permission from the photographer to use these photos?
Client: Yes.
Me: Can you ask the photographer for larger image files? These are too small and will be extremely pixelated at the size we need them.
Client: I...
Two days after agreeing on a final draft for a project.
Client: You really need to hurry up with this! It’s costing me money not having the new concept live! Rush it, work on it 24/7, whatever you need to do.
Me: (at 3am) Alright, I’ve got it all finished for you. Ready to upload whenever you are.
Client: OK, I’ll have the content written in a week or two
Client: I want it gold… like the gold in the glitter I have here.
Me: What?
Client: I just faxed you the glitter. Use that color of gold.
Me: When you fax something you know the recipient receives a black print out.
Client: Oh, I’ll just mail it to you then.
Me: That’s okay - I can make this text on your website gold without the glitter.
Client: No, I’ll feel better if you can see what...
“I like concept 13… but what’s putting me off is that 13 is an...”
Elmo was the Charlie Manson of Sesame Street
I change the color on a client’s website each month. Surprisingly, we had yet to use red this year.
Client: You can’t use that much red… you’ll hurt someone.
Me: Wait, what? Why?
Client: The color red makes people angry. It’s science. This is too much, someone might kill themselves - or worse, someone else.
Me: I-I think that’s very context based...
Me: Right, I’ll send through your invoice now.
Client: Oh, don’t worry about that - I’ve already sent it. Check your email.
Confused, I check my inbox to find an email with a text document attached charging me £800 - the amount I quoted the client.
Me: I still I think I better send an official invoice to you…
Client: What are you talking about? Why would you possibly...
Client: Could you please remove the drawing of the stick man? We’re getting complaints that it’s offending people. Me: Offending people? How? Client: He’s black.
“Do you ever send me email that I don’t get?”
A client was upset that the animated .gifs from his site weren’t animated when printed out. I tried to explain that it simply wasn’t possible.
Client: Why are you lying to me? I know it’s possible - have you not seen the moving posters and pictures in Harry Potter!?
I have a client who doesn’t like to spell out “follow-up.”
“Has this been completed? F/U. Also, saw some preliminary designs - F/U to that too.”
“I got this email once from some lawyer in Nigeria and when I opened it and...”
“Can you make this website 10% more fun?”
Trying to schedule an appointment with a client who “absolutely needed to see me ASAP.”
Client: I don’t know a set time, I may want to go to the gym and stuff. Just keep your phone on and I’ll call you a half hour before I want to meet.
Me: I’m sorry, but I have other commitments and other clients I need to meet with that day. If we could set a time that would be...
On a project request form from the client:
Due date: August 4th
Start date: August 2nd
I received the project request form on August 5th.
A client was struggling to send me software via e-mail. Me: The software is probably too large for e-mail. How big is it? Client: The CD’s about the size of my hand.
“I’m a Virgo, and my horoscope has been dead on right for the last few...”
Client: Since you are a women, I think you will find this assignment interesting.
The assignment revolved around kites. I… I don’t know what being a woman had to do with anything.
A client sent in an ad to run in the newspaper. Unfortunately, the ad was not proportioned correctly for the space purchased.
Me: The ad you sent me is nine inches wide and four inches tall. You’ve indicated that you want it to run five inches wide by ten inches tall.
Client: That is correct. Can you just change it?
Me: Well luckily, the layout is easy to manipulate, and you didn’t...
The smartest men in America can be poor clients as...
See if you can figure out what they’re talking about before you reach the bottom
Client 1: “I’m simply not comfortable with those letters, something is missing.”
Client 2: “Well, yes, the cross stroke is gone from the letter A.”
Client 1: “Yes, and that bothers me.”
Client 2: “Why?”
Client 1: (long pause) “I just don’t feel we are getting our money’s worth!”
The logo being discussed:...
A client was very impressed with the quality of a series of photographs I did from various angles of a horse. Flabbergasted, she asked how I managed to get the horse to have the same expression in every shot.
It was a model horse I bought at Toys R Us.
Client: I’m very disappointed! I expected more! Why didn’t you redesign [he lists three features that we hadn’t discussed]?”
Me: I’m sorry, but I wasn’t expecting to redesign-
Client: Well I was expecting you to exceed my expectations!
Me: …
