July 2011
60 posts
Me: Would you like to have the meeting at 3 PM today or tomorrow morning?
Client: Yes.
Client: The website looks great, but I think we need more images of children. Do you have a database of images of children that we could take from…?
A second e-mail arrives a few moments later. Client: I just realized what I was asking. Please ignore and delete all my e-mails with the subject line “Need photos of children.”
“It might not be much pay, but think of it as practice for when you get a job...”
Me: The first step is to develop a website for your consumer products
Client: What? No. My daughter, who has an MBA, said the internet is almost full.
Client: I don’t like the colors.
Me: What color would you like?
Client: How should I know, I’m colorblind.
I was working on a billboard for a new client. He sent me a a 400-word document outlining all the products, prices, and discounts he offers.
ME: ”You do realize people need to read this while driving? You can’t have more than maybe 10-15 words on it.”
CLIENT: ”Don’t worry about that! Just put some big pictures on it - people’ll want to stop to read it...
“Can you make the arrows sexier?”
“The outlines are too thick, I want them to be half-a-pixel thinner.”
– From a client who doesn’t understand that pixels are the smallest possible measurement we can use.
(My brother runs a leisure club that has membership fees that feed a budget. They required a t-shirt design by the end of the week, when I had three other jobs on. My brother called me up and begged me to help him - he even offered me a few pounds to sweeten the deal. )
Brother: Tell me if you can do it or not. I have another guy who will if you don’t want to.
Myself: I’m really...
Me: I just need to know if you have a Mac or a PC?
Client: (Pauses for a few seconds) I have a Dell.
Me: I just need to know if you have a Mac or a PC?
Client: (Pauses for a few seconds) I have a Dell.
Client: Well… we just want the logo to be less corn-related. Can you just make it less corn-like?
Me: I’m sorry? I was under the impression was that this was exactly what you were looking for.
Client: No, no, it is. It is! But we discussed it and we think people would probably be bored by the whole corn part. So let’s make it less corn-related.
Me: I must not be...
“Almost. I want less of a rectangle, and more of a long square.”
A client called claiming that my email (the last he had received) had carried “trojans and stuff” that had ruined his email. He spent some time shouting unprofessionalism and billing me for the time it’s down. I asked him if the internet was down. “Yeah, it hasn’t been on all morning. The router is off. Does the internet need to be on for email to work?”
“HELP! I can’t send or receive email.”
– Sent via email.
“Yeah, this might be confusing… to retards. But we are not marketing to...”
Okay, but it better be a good lunch
Me: So you want me to work 18 hours a day? How many days a week? Accomodation is provided? Who would I be working for?
Client: yes you will work 18 Hour a day , until the web site is Done and Ready To Lunch . and after lunch , you can stay or sign with us a contract . thanks
JAZZ UP THE WORBS
After editing to an entire document of bad spelling and punctuation errors (and then creating a trifold), this is the response I received from my client:
Cuppla thing
1/ its led lighting - shes hold a compact fluoro
font color on green needs to be more obvious
High expense less expense is invalid.perhaps high running cost vs super low running cost caN YOU SEND ME A DOC FILE SO I CAN JAZZ UP...
“I have downloaded Firefox - why isn’t IE working yet?”
Client: I’d like to place a rush order for some funeral bulletins.
Me: Ok, that should be fine! It’ll take about 2 hours.
Client: Well, the funeral will be over by then!!!
Me: Wait, when does it start?
Client: In thirteen minutes!
Recently a potential client came to us to develop a brand and Web site layout for a new project dedicated to serving pornography that contained “wholesome eroticism” and displayed proper Christian values relative to sexuality.
The client actually asked us if we could somehow “take the Christian Fish and add a va-jay-jay” to it. We graciously passed on this one, citing...
“I pay you a hell lot of money. You make a printable ad out of the file I sent...”
– From a client who sent a 40x40 animated gif
Client: I love the headline but can’t you make it more….punchy.
Me: I don’t think it’s going to get more punchy than ‘We Buy Gold’.
Client: I want more with less!
Me: ‘Sell Gold’
Client: No, I absolutely hate that. The last one was better, just make it punchy. I want it to pop off the page.
Me: ‘We Buy Gold’
Client: There we go,...
“I am legally obliged to offer you a lunch break, but if you were dedicated to...”
– From a boss who offers no sick pay and the minimum legal requirement for holidays.
CLIENT: “… Also, on this page when you click on a link, it breaks the web” ME: “Sorry, which part does it break?” CLIENT: “It breaks the WHOLE WEB!” ME: “Do you mean it breaks that page, or the whole website shows an error page?”
CLIENT: “No, I click on the link and now the Internet is not working”
ME: “What, all of the...
On more than one occasion, my art director stood over my shoulder and said, “Eww! What the hell are those light blue lines?”
The only solution is to turn off the Photoshop Guides. He always remarks it makes the image “much better.”
Whiter!
CLIENT: I want the background color to be bright and white.
ME: The current background color is #FFFFFF. It’s as white as I can make it.
CLIENT: No! I’m telling you, it can be whiter! After a (hour-long) discussion over the phone, she sent me a powerpoint file with a picture of a cloud with a red arrow pointing to the part of the cloud that was the appropriate “white”...
“Could you take five minutes and design us a logo?”
I need to start taking clients more literally
A client asked me to design her a website. She continuously stressed that I think “out of the box”.
After having my 11th sketch rejected, I asked her to tell me exactly what she had in mind - obviously I wasn’t getting it.
CLIENT: As I told you, I want you thinking OUTSIDE of the box. You see this menu here on the side? Why can’t this go outside of the box that contains...
Double negative
Client: Can you change it to say “Continue” instead of “Skip?”
Me: Of course! It’s funny, that’s actually what I originally put there but you asked me to change it. It’s nice to be right once in a -
Client: NO! YOU WERE NOT RIGHT! I WAS RIGHT! TWICE!
“The portrait of this guy looks too much like it was worked up in Photoshop. Is...”
A client sent me a low resolution image of a 40 character key I needed. The image was of such low quality I couldn’t read the actual characters. I asked for the client to simply copy and paste the needed text. This is the reply I got: Client: Do the CSI thing and say ‘enhance.’ That should do it.
Tell me if I'm being too bold here
Client: The logo draws too much attention away from the text. We’d like the text bolded. I made the changes and returned the project to the client. Client: We like how you made the text more bold but now the logo doesn’t stand out as much. Can you make that bold as well please?
Would you settle for a metrosexual rainbow?
Client: I want a design that uses a rainbow, but not one of those gay rainbows.
Me: Excuse me?
Client: I want you to put a rainbow on it, but like a Jesus rainbow.
Me: Can you… specify the difference?
Client: I WANT IT TO BE A RAINBOW BUT NOT GAY.
“We’d like this bullet-list to look fancier. Please use a fancier dot.”
I’ve designed a number of sites for a single client. He called me today to tell me that one wasn’t functioning correctly. Me: Which site isn’t working for you?
Client: The one on the screen.
“Would please print this video for me?”
CLIENT: “Make this design better than a margarita and blowjob.”
ME: “At the same time?”
CLIENT: “Yeah, on second thought, just a nice blowjob should do it.”
I like a client who knows what they want
Client: I like the design, the logo and the photos… but I’m really not crazy about the color scheme.
Me: Okay, do you have some colors in mind?
Client: No. But I want it to look like black and white… but in color.
Haha, but seriously, I fear for my life
A client signed a contract with us immediately after entering out office for the first time.
Client: (In a heavy Brooklyn accent) ”So I can expect to see this site done by the end of the week?”
Mind you, it’s Wednesday.
Me: ”Sir, you haven’t even given us any content or information yet, it’s going to take a little longer than 3 days.”
...
My client said he was a bit of a photoshop wiz...
So I sent him the photoshop file for a mockup to review.
Client: Do you want some hard criticism?
Me: Sure.
Client: I think the design is really good, but the checkered, gray background is busy and distracting. Just saying, it’s not how I’d do it
“I heard your email. I will get back to you soon.”
My client finished the 150+ pages for a book I was designing for him. He didn’t feel comfortable using e-mail, and he proceeded to send me 150+ pages of text by fax.
On the first attempt, the text printed horizontally on vertical page, the sides getting cut-off.
On the second attempt, the text printed vertically on a horizontal page, the top and bottom getting cut-off.
On the third...
Client: We want a banner.
Me: Okay.
Client: We want a classic look, but modern.
“We are interested in a logo redesign and wondering if you are interested and...”
– Sent from a french designer currently living in America.
A client loved my design and asked me to mockup some typeface options.
“So,” I said, “which one do you like the most?”
“Well, I think I’ll go with the thin one - it’ll be less expensive, right?”
Client: I really want to make a good impression on our home page - I want a rotating banner with big images that span the entire width of the screen. Lots of them flying at the viewer, make it dynamic, whatever. And most importantly, the site needs to load FAST! I like how Google just pops up for me instantly, each time.
Me: Well… If we go with really big images, and multiple ones at that,...
“We picked the company name so that we’d show up first in the phone book....”