June 2011
Shades of blue
Client: I don’t like that blue, make it a bit lighter. Just a small bit!
I send the (unchanged) file back to her.
Client: Hmm, ok thats too light, make it a bit darker.
I send the same file - again, unchanged.
Client: Ok just ad a hint of brightness and we’re done!
Again, same file, unchanged.
Client: Perfect! Has anyone told you that you are amazing at what you do?
“We need an iPhone application, but it has to be nicely designed. Best use Flash.”
“I’m not familiar with all the rules and regulations regarding return your...”
“Hold on, you’re losing me. Is Dreamweaver a book or something?”
A couple days after a software install, a client called and complained that our product was completely broken. He threatened to cancel payments and drop the project. Fuming, he refused anything but on-site support (not part of the contract), and claimed the instructions we left him were useless. He demanded we make the three-hour trip today. I was shown the the client’s office, sat down,...
Client: I want my email address to be info@golf.com.
Me: You don’t own golf.com. Your domain is [long domain name]golfcarts.com.
Client: Ok, then make it information@golf.com.
Me: The part of the email address after the “at” sign has to be [long domain name]golfcarts.com. You have to include [long domain name]golfcarts.com in your email address.
Client: Oh! I get it, sorry....
“Did I hire you to be bound by what’s possible?”
Just watch the window...
My friend’s flatmate was working for a big advertising agency on a sponsored working visa. Apparently if he lost his job, he couldn’t stay in the country. One day he was called into the Creative Directors office and told to stand by the window and look at a particular window of the building opposite. When he asked why, the Creative Director simple said just keep looking at it.
He...
“I can’t watch the video you sent me cause it’s mp4. Can you send it in mp3?”
Our exchange in March:
Client: ”I want you to make me an animated cartoon of a mermaid in a toilet, but I want you to put our live-action actor’s face on the mermaid.”
Me: “You know, I’m a Flash animator, and it really sounds like what you want is a 3D animation. I know some people -“
Client: ”No, no, that’s way outside my budget.”
So I...
Eight minutes before a speech I’ve written is to be presented at a fundraising event.
Client: “Hey, I was just reading this over and I realize that it doesn’t sound like me at all. I’m much more light hearted. Do you think you can add in a penis joke or two?”
Client: ”I do not like the character, he is not alien looking.”
Me: ”So what do you have in mind.”
Client: ”How would I know? I have never seen an alien before.”
“Staring at computer screens gives me nosebleeds. Please fax the website to me.”
That's Called Design
Client: “So we looked at your sketches.”
Me: “Okay, well… these are designs.”
Client: “Right, but they look just like the wireframes you showed us.”
Me: “Yes, that’s because they’re based on the wireframes.”
Client: “But they don’t look any different to me.”
Me: “Well, they have an entire layer of UI on...
“We like what you did. We just don’t like what you didn’t do.”
“I want this family photo to be on the site, but do you think you can photoshop...”
Email correspondence with an older client: Client: “JUST SEND THE MOCKUPS TO JOLENE AND I WILL LOOK AT THEM WHEN I GET BACK NEXT TUESDAY.” Me: “Sure thing. Is everything OK over there? You seem like you’re yelling everything!” Client: “THESE DAMN PUERTO RICAN COMPUTERS. EVERYTHING IS IN BIG TYPE.” Me: “Do you see the ‘caps lock’ button,...
“Please, no acronyms when you email me. Whatever http stands for, write it out....”
Me: “You’re going to get a lot of people stopping by the deli just to laugh at the sign, if you make me put that.” Client: “Let them laugh. There’s nothing funny about it.” Me: “It is sort of funny, in a childish way, you have to admit.” Client: “No! “You’ll love the taste of our wieners” has been our slogan since my...
“This website is about GOOD wholesome music! No Lady googoo, or the Mr Cisco...”
Client: “So, for the logo, we’ll go with those colors we discussed over the phone last night.” Me: “We never discussed colors.” Client: “Yes we did. I mentioned the whole teal & plum thing.” Me: “No, you definitely didn’t.” Client: “Really? What did we discuss?” Me: “Mostly, you just discussed how the shape cannot...
Client: “Make the logo funny.” Me: “Well, what do you find funny?” Client: “The usual. Men dressed as ladies. Dogs dressed as men. Ladies dressed as dogs…” Me: “Basically, stuff dressed up like other stuff… “ Client: “Whites dressed up like—” Me: “I’m just gonna stop you there.”
Actual quote from a client, enraged at the cost of the first invoice we sent him: “Web designer, hey?! The only web you’re designing is a WEB OF LIES! Crawl back to whatever cafe you were born in.
Client: “The logo is far too dark. Try brightening it up a bit. What happened to those vibrant colors we picked out earlier.” Me: “Well, to be fair, you ARE wearing your sunglasses.” Client: “Hmm, so I am.” (Chuckles, takes his sunglasses off). Me: “Is that a bit better?” Client: “Oh, heavens no, this is WAY too bright.”
I signed on to create a website for a large private high school, and when it was nearly done I asked the principal if there was any specific message he wanted on the homepage. Quite agitated, he asked that I write in bold, all caps: “TO WHOEVER PEED BEHIND THE VENDING MACHINES THURSDAY APRIL 7TH, I WILL FIND YOU AND YOU WILL NEVER, I REPEAT NEVER, PEE AGAIN!”
The most condescending email I’ve ever received from a client: Since you were probably just going to waste the weekend playing World of Starcraft or Mario 2.0 or whatever, can you come down to the office instead? There’s still a lot of work to be done on the website. I can have a cold chocolate milk waiting for you, or whatever you drink.
Client: “I asked you to do ONE thing, and one thing only today.” Me: “Umm, I don’t think we—” Client: “Don’t ‘Umm’ around me! When I say I need your ear to the ground, I damn well mean that!” Me: “What? What does that even—” Client: “You get one explanation in MY house, and then it’s on you to figure it...
“We’d like you to write an article on the way the market has changed in the last...”
One of my fifty-five-year-old clients called me into his office (where he and his two buddies were sitting on the desk) and told me that in order to keep working for him, I needed to join the “Pen15” club, by writing “Pen15” on my arm. I declined…and was let go a week later.
“We need to submit our app to the store before it closes for the...”
Client: “Why on earth is there an ad on my facebook page from my nemesis!?” Me: “Facebook places them according to similar interests.” Client: “Right. Would you please block all advertisements in our page?” Me: “Sure, let me call my friend, uh… Mark.” Client: “Great, thanks. You call Mark and have him do that.”
Client: “Could you make this text 12pt?” Me: “It is in 12pt.” Client: “Then make it LOOK like it’s in 12pt.”
Working with a surgeon on some illustrations for a gynecology textbook (I know!): “Your vagina isn’t right. Something just isn’t right about it… It feels like maybe it’s too narrow—could we just widen the vagina out a little bit?”
“The dog on the homepage isn’t sexy enough. Find me a sexy dog.”
Client: “Wait! Don’t plug your laptop into that outlet. Put it in THIS one, please.” Me: “This outlet works just fine though…” Client: “I know it does. But our printer is plugged into this outlet. And we may need to print something off of your laptop.”
Missing the point.
Client: “The ‘V’ is too pointy. Can we get a ‘V’ that isn’t pointy?” Me: “An un-pointy ‘V’ may start to look like a ‘U’…” Client: “We don’t want a ‘U’. We want a ‘V’ that doesn’t have a point.”
Me: “Is it landscape or portrait?” Client: “It’s a bit of both, actually.” Me: “Really, how so?” Client: “Well, there’s a woman in the foreground. But there is a mountain behind her.”
During production of a film we were doing, over the phone with the client, we were discussing a scene where the actors begin fighting each other with lightsabers. We explained how we’d create the effects, work it out in post-production. Then the client speaks up and says, “Why don’t we just use real lightsabers?” …And it took us 30 minutes to explain to her why we couldn’t.
Client: “Can we advertise on porn sites? Let’s be honest, between you and me, that’s where we’re gonna get the most views.” Me: “But your product is completely irrelevant to pornography.” Client: “Not COMPLETELY!” Me: “Tell me what a company that produces Learn-Basic-Spanish CD’s has to do with porn…” Client:...
Ultra-strange encounter with a client at the...
Client: “Aren’t you supposed to be designing my brochure?” Me: “It’s Sunday morning. I’m just buying milk because I ran out.” Client: “Oh, you did? Well, what should we do then if we run out of time for the project, huh? Just leave the last two pages blank and write ‘sorry, ran out of milk’ on them?” Me: “I don’t know...
“I don’t want people in Mexico to see the website. I got myself into a...”
“When we get the invites printed next time, can we get the envelopes pre-gummed?...”
“It looks like over time the submit button has begun to fade out a bit. Is it...”
Me: (over the phone) “How do you like the new menu?”
Client: “It’s great, but the online version… Can we make that matte finished as well?”
Me: “Um…”
Client: “I’m just having troubles reading it. It’s so glossy. All I see is a silhouette of my head.”
Me: “Is there a window open behind you?”
Client:...
Regarding a generic stock photo of a sky with clouds on a label: “Change those clouds! All I see is a lion!
Client: “Where can I find the site? I want to be able to wheel it out for family and friends.” Me: “Well, I’ve given you the address a few times.” Client: “Oh, I know. That’s where I can see it, but I want to know where it’s kept the rest of the time, in case I want to take it out and show it off.”
“We have 1 follower on twitter. Is it good practice to follow that person? (She...”
“We want the design to be intentionally confusing to show how complicated the...”
