June 2011
I made a quick flyer for my friend’s service organization. They wanted a father and daughter holding hands, so I pulled a stock photo, placed in the text and called it good. This is the response i got back: “We’d like you to change the girl’s age to the 8–20 demographic. We’d also like you to re-word it to say it’s “their” father. Not just...
May 2011
Client: (lividly) “This needs more blow. It’s not blow enough. You have to add some blow.” Me: “What are you talking about? I can’t understand what you need from me if you keep using terms like ‘blow’”. Client: “Put me on the blow thing. How do I do the blow? I don’t know why I’m paying you, when I have to do the whole thing on my own”. After a while I figured out that “blow” meant “blur”, and I...
“My wife will be shadowing you over the next couple weeks to make sure the logo...”
“What if you were to just illustrate the hit counter on the website, and have it...”
Client: “Why is this line bigger and bolder than the rest?” Me: “Because it’s a headline.” Client: “Well then make the whole site a headline.”
“Last night I dreamed that the site was made out of roast pork and corn juice. I...”
Client: “I don’t really like that the website has a top and bottom.” Me: “Everything has a top and bottom. That’s how it goes.” Client: “Not true. Circles don’t.” Me: “So you want a circular website?” Client: “Yup! Like a conveyer belt, or ooh! a rolodex. Every time you scroll up past the top, you get to the bottom. Every...
“What did you call it? Lorem Ipsum? You keep it in for a while. I want to get my...”
“… And whenever anyone refreshes the page, the opening of “The Circle...”
Client: “Quick, what rhymes with ‘homepage’?” Me: “Why?” Client: “I’m making a song for the conference call, and I’m stuck.”
Me: “roam…cage?” Client: “…” Me: “…” Client: “That’s what you’re going with? roamcage? And we hired you because you’re artistic?”
“Hello. I would like to get my ipad 2 engraved with a custom design. What I would...”
“I don’t know quite what we’ll be selling yet. Maybe niches....”
Client: (on Google maps) “The arrow isn’t pointing to our company’s location. Can you change that?” Me: “What arrow? The map doesn’t have a arrow. It’s just a map of your general location?” Client: “How can you not see the giant arrow RIGHT there. Just fix it, man.” (Turns out it was an arrow-shaped lake.)
“The only problem we have with the website is, when my friend loads it on his...”
Brainstorming session for a prenatal care website: Client 1: “How hard would it be to have an unborn baby on the homepage that ushers you through the site.” Client 2: “That would be creepy. What about just a regular out-of-the-womb baby.” Client 1: “But then that’s not really PREnatal care, is it?” Client 2: “True. Yeah, let’s stick with the...
A young couple who had just moved from China contacted me to do a brochure for their bakery they were opening. He introduced himself as ‘Will Smith’. And she introduced herself simply as ‘Cupcake’. I kid you not, they wanted to call the bakery “America”.
“Can you airbrush out the cyclist’s crotch? It’s becoming too much of...”
Client: “I’ve never really used Google before. Who do you ask on it?” Me: “Ask on it?” Client: “Yes, well, on AskJeeves, I just asked Jeeves. Do you ask the Google to find you something.” Me: “We have a lot to catch you up on.”
I just explained cookies to a client, and now he’s going from person to person in the office, asking to see everyone’s cookies in a Cookie Monster voice. And then saying ‘Om nom nom nom’.
Client: “I’m going to send you some photos for the site. I have a photographer friend and we’re going to take some photos that I think subtly evoke sexuality.” Me: “Alright, sounds good.” (One week later, the client sends me several close-up photos of shag carpet, lacquered chairs, and hardwood floors.) Client: “Well, what do you think?” Me: “Um,...
Me: “Good morning ma’am, I am calling because our records shows a debt on your cellphone line.” Client: “Oh, yes, sorry. I missed the deadline. Can I pay it with my credit card?” Me: “Sure, you can do it right know if you wish.” Client: “Great…Did you get the numbers?” Me: “Sorry, what?” Client: “The credit information, I just swiped it.” Me: “Mmm, no, that’s not the way…” Client: “hahah,...
The client explained his vision for his company’s look, asking for it to be ‘super-flashy and jagged’. When I asked him for specific examples of this, he emailed me back a link to ‘Pokemon Zoroark Master of Illusions part 3 of 9’ on Youtube. I’ve yet to figure this one out.
Text correspondence with a particularly slow client: Client: “it was really good of you to come in on such short notice this morning thanks could you email me those specs you mentioned. steve.” Me: “Sure thing. Also, I have you saved as a contact, so there’s no need to sign your name after every text. I already know who’s sending the message.”
Clients: “it’s...
“We want to do what Apple is doing, designing products based on what people...”
Client: “Our last request is sort of a sensitive one.”
Me: “Okay…”
Client: “We’d like to ask that you to get rid of any, uh, pornography you might, uh, have on your computer. We just wouldn’t want it to accidentally wind up on the website, you know?”
Me: “Well, firstly, it doesn’t really work like that, you can’t...
Of all the many ideas I was given from this particular priest for the church website, this was by far the finest:
“Could we make it so the site just kind of dies for three days, and then is miraculously resurrected on the Easter Sunday. That would be bonkers, right?”
Me: “I just don’t think ‘The Weed Fanatics” is a good name for the business.” Client: “What do you mean? It’s to-the-point. And it makes us sound like we’re really intense about gardening and weed removal.” Me: “I just think some people might…” Client: “What?” Me: “Some people might think you’re talking...
“If for some reason you do not receive this email, please let me know.”
Client: “This “Remote” app for the iPhone, it’s bullshit. It takes forever to connect, it takes forever to bring up things on my Apple TV…” Me: “Okay..?” Client: “Plus, I don’t know how to use it.”
“Be careful copying and pasting the text too many times — I don’t want it getting...”
“For some reason I am not able to attach the 3’x8’ signs to the...”
“The word ‘firm’ looks misspelled.”
We have a client who insists on signing all his e-mails with his initials, which can make for awkward moments:
“Thanks for all the hardwork!…JK”
Client: “Oh and by the way, we don’t want you to draw udders on the cows.” Me: “Why not?” Client: “It’s too suggestive.”
Me: “What email are you using?” Client: “Windows” Me: “No thats…..ok, what does the last part of your email say?” Client: “HTML” Me: “What? No thats…. still not it. Look, when someone asks you for your email what do you give them?” Client: “My business card”
“See if we can get the domain name ‘foogle.com’, that way we get all...”
Me: “I don’t think I’ll be able to work on the site today; my dog just died.”
Client: “What’s that?”
Me: “My dog?”
Client: “You can just use my computer, if you’d like.”
Me: “What? No, I need to go run an errand at the vet. My dog died.”
Client: “Oh! Hahahaha.”
Me: “…”
Client:...
“I just sent the file to my friend through email and he now has it on his...”
Drunk?
Actual email correspondence with a client: Client: “can not find the viedo.l…. ’ Unbranded pleases send link and I would like to down load all videos how….Thank You??” Me: “Sam, I understood each word individually in your email, but not together. What are you looking for?” Client: “okie no thanks. Monday?”
Client: “I need you all to quit watching me through my modem!”
Me: “What?” Client: “Don’t think I don’t see that little light on the modem every time it’s turned on. It looks JUST like the light at the top of my video camera.”
Me: “I’m still not quite understanding this. What are you implying exactly?”
Client: “Be...
“Whoa, whoa. Why are you building the site on a Mac? I told you, everyone here in...”
The client needed a logo with some blood splatter for a website promoting his book: “Therefore: The overall shape of the main cluster of drops is good, and the splatter elements that go (as on a compass) west and southwest, as well as those sprays toward the northeast and east, we want to keep. The main larger drops in those quadrants should be kept as is, with just a LITTLE extra splatter...
I was told about ‘clientsfromhell.net’ from a friend, but didn’t know the top level domain, so I typed ‘clientsfromhell.com’. It wasn’t what I was looking for, so I searched for “clients from hell” on Google. The next day I sent over a browser snapshot to one of our really difficult clients, with the Google field on the top right still reading...
A nugget of wisdom from an Eastern spirituality, self-help author:
“I know you’re upset that we haven’t paid you yet for your work on the website, but take it from me, life isn’t all about money. If you had taken the time to absorb the message in the content, you’d see that and be more patient.”
So, I met with a used car dealership for a potential website project. The owner fulfilled every stereotype of a used car salesman, from the velour jumpsuit to the gold chains. The meeting is best summed up by this amazing question, (please read in thick NY accent): “So… like uh… When you build dis website…. You gotta do it in my garage or what?!”
“We’ve thought about it, and we just don’t like the letter...”
“I told you, don’t put that “Follow” button there. We don’t want people to be...”
I got this email from my cousin, about a week after “The Social Network” came out: “Chris, I have this great idea. We can start a new online social network for pets… like Pawsbook, Petbook, Snoutbook, whatever. And I am sure the growth would be huge. What do you think? Seriously.”
“Here are the photos of everyone on the team. We don’t have a photo of Dr. Chen,...”
