March 2011
“But if it says ‘Skip to homepage’ under the video people will think our band is named Homepage!”
Me: ”Can you give me a list of printing companies you have a relationship with so I can get an estimate?”
Client: ”No, sorry. We owe them a bunch of money.”
“I notice that you’re charging by the word, but some of the words are really short, like ‘a’ or ‘is’. I only want to pay full price for words that are six letters or above.”
“Please don’t send me something to proof if there are errors in it.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right! I forgot that you charge…”
“I have a friend over at Google Ireland who can give me some good prices.”
“From here on I need you to forget everything you’ve learned and do what I tell...”
“If your concern for your own personal finances is greater than your concern for...”
“I’m sending you a ziplock with the files in it.”
I’m just a typical “wants it yesterday” client.
“I think the ice cream on the packaging looks too cold.”
As in-house graphic designer, I worked with an interior designer on a design for an exhibition stand for our company at a big London furniture show. With dark wood panels and simple silver lettering, it looked great.
However, a salesman who liked to make his own Powerpoint presentations had talked them into letting him create an animated presentation that would be displayed on a loop on a big...
“Woah. Sorry son, I don’t hire designers with Macs. They’re usually asses with...”
“We don’t want customers to be calling us all the time. They will call you, and...”
“I can’t understand you. Open your mouth when you speak— Is that some...”
– I’m Australian.
“You see, I don’t know what I like, I just know what I don’t like.”
“Colors other than post-tsunami-wreckage would be better.”
“I’m not trying to be cheap, I just don’t have that much money.”
Client: “We don’t like this girl’s smile on the brochure cover. Can you photoshop another mouth onto her face from one of the other photos?”
Me: “Unfortunately, none of the other photos of her smiling are from the same angle.”
Client: “Well, then photoshop her whole head out and use a head from the other photo where she is smiling.”
Me: “Can’t do it. The heads aren’t from the same angle...
I don’t know why you can’t do this for free. It’s not like it costs you anything.
“I made the mistake of letting my wife see the logo. She doesn’t like it, and...”
“I want the visitors to have a fresh experience each time they visit. So, I want you to design atleast 25 different websites so that every time they visit they will get a new experience.”
“In the interests of working together, I would appreciate it if you could do this free of charge.”
“Can you just match it to the blue of the sky?”
Me: “What languages is it your server set up with? I can make it in PHP or ASP.”
Client: “Our servers speak English and Spanish. So make it in that.”
“We’re going to leave Zuckerberg in the dust and think about how much he makes...”
Me: “I didn’t receive your last bi-weekly payment”
Client: “It took you a week to cash the last one, so I didn’t think you needed the next one right away.”
“See this, this is the Intuit Site Builder, see how easy it is? If completely...”
“We would like it if every web page on our new site had an option to download as...”
“Isn’t it as simple as putting in a button to select different languages? Just...”
“I need you to design me a 36” x 54” poster. But make sure to design...”
“We also keenly await your ideas on having a little person running across the...”
“We want to know for sure who we are dealing with here. After registration, users...”
Client: “So we have 6 designers working for us at the moment and an intern. That makes it 6 and a half people.”
Me: “Your intern would love to hear that.”
Can you send these to me in Word? I need to play around with it.
“The website is looking a little flat. Could you please add some more computer...”
"Jack"
Client: ”I need the number for “Jack.” Can you please give me his number please?”
Me: “Jack? Jack who?”
Client: ”The manual for the modem said that I need to connect to Jack. So if you could give me his number, then I can connect with him.”
Client: “Why is the photo grainy? It looks terrible on your flyer.”
Me: ”You sent me a zoomed in photo of the hamburger using the camera on your BlackBerry. They’re 3 mpx at the most.”
Client: ”Not sure what mpx is, but if it’s like mph, then the photo wasn’t moving. The burger was on a plate. On a table. Not moving.”
“Well since I have your sketches, can’t I just use that as the logo? I...”
Client: “Excellent work, we love what you’ve done with the site! Actually, would it be too much trouble to send me the original?”
Me: “The original?”
Client: “You know, the site on paper, before you scanned it in.”
“How do you spell HTML?”
“My son does video, too. He’s really good and could help you. He just finished...”
Me: “Everything’s moving along great. I’m just about finished with the main elements of the code.”
Client: ”I don’t want any codes. Can you start making the actual website now?”
Client: “We see that you’ve listed “project management” on the invoice. We won’t be needing that. We’ll be in direct contact with the designer, so an additional party won’t be necessary. We also don’t need “art direction.” I know exactly what we want and what the project entails, so I will act as the artistic director. We also won’t...
“Let’s see if we can avoid signing a contract. That’s the whole reason that I...”
“Don’t you just change the file extension from .doc to .html?”
“We need to drop every reference to “healthy.” We just spoke to our lawyer...”
“I’m not able to open PDF files - I don’t use a Mac. Luckily, my assistant was...”
“We are on a bit of a rush for this one, I’m going into jail on Tuesday.”
“I’m afraid of Facebook, people can find you through it. They could have...”
