March 2011
“Ted’s brother, Frank, does this for a living and may be able to do this...”
February 2011
“We were going to pay you, but seeing as your lawyer has sent a letter of demand and threatened legal action, we’re not going to.”
Oops!
Client: “Can you grow the text a little?”
Me: “Sure, but I’ll have to fertilize it first.”
We really like your design work, it looks like we didn’t spend too much money on marketing and put it where it matters!
“We need this to appeal to young people, so we need to find a personality like...”
“We want to build a web site exactly like Facebook, only for high school kids.”
Explaining to the client that my questions were not to frustrate her but to get a better idea of the project:
Client: “Don’t worry, my daughter is very artsy, so I’m used to dealing with you people and your train of thought.”
Client: ”We’ve been discussing it and we’d like you to register aaa-carpets.com. We’ve checked and it’s available.”
Me: ”Okay, no problem - what do the three a’s stand for out of interest?”
Client: ”They don’t stand for anything, we just want to be above our competitors on Google.”
“These charges are ridiculous! How can you even justify them to yourself when all...”
“We regret to inform you that due to the tricky situation of spousal support we...”
“Our board has come up with a final solution.”
“Do you work for free? If you don’t please send me your cheapest price.”
“We are creating a whole video campaign that is going to go viral.”
I'll just have to make a quick phone call to my...
Me: “So… what you are basically telling me is that you like the completed logo, like the completed slogan, like the completed branding work and that you intend to use it all for your new business. Correct?”
Client: “Yes. Absolutely.”
Me: “And yesterday you called another designer and showed them my work and they told you that they can do the same work for 20% of what I am charging,...
“Your prices are a little high. My son has a mac and the Adobe Reader. Maybe he...”
“Those photos really don’t work for us. Our clients are usually pale and these...”
Me: “Ok, Great. I have all the information that I need. I’ll send you the site layout by the end of the week.”
Client: “Well, now it is in your hands… I have to go earn the money to pay you!”
“We want a total of 8 languages: English, French, Spanish, Canadian…”
My boss had several computers sitting around the office that she wanted to get rid of. Being the only person in the office who knew how to even run defrag, the task fell to me to yank the hard drives out per my boss’ instructions.
There was sensitive medical information on them and they needed to be rendered unreadable. Opting for the quick-fix, I bent ALL the SSI connector pins, pulled the...
Client: “It would be great to have some videos added to the site.”
Me: “You can actually do it yourself through the content management system that’s set up. You can login and add a link that is directly from YouTube to play your videos right on your site. It’ll take you just a few minutes to do. This way you won’t have to come to us and pay us for the work because I know you...
Client: It’s been a week [since the initial meeting]. We’re checking in to see what progress you’ve made.
Me: I’m sorry, I still don’t have a signed contract or deposit from you. Did you put them in the mail recently?
Client: You haven’t started yet?
Me: No, I can’t begin work without a signed contract.
Client: That’s no way to run a business.
I setup an Exchange server and showed the client how to use web mail to access her mailbox remotely.
Me: Just follow these simple login instructions, and you can access your email from anywhere.
Next day, the client called me.
Client: When I got home, I did what you said but it didn’t work.
Me: Was your Internet working? Did Google work?
Client: Internet? I don’t have Internet at...
Client: We have looked at your PHP source code and I am a little upset.
Me: Why is that? What’s wrong?
Client: You have used die(); everywhere, do you secretly want me to die?
“Thanks for sending the files over, I was able to download them, but my computer is not MP3-able. My computer is a Sony Vaio, so could you please send them over in VAIO format? Thanks.”
Client: “Hi Jess. We no longer need our website up as we are merging. Can we please get a refund on the hosting and the website? I have attached the receipts from the past two years. Kind regards,”
“…As far as the logo goes, I’m just looking for the name in a circle with some...”
“This shouldn’t take you very long, I could probably do it in MSWord in an hour.”
My neighbour finds out I do web work and calls...
Neighbour: ”So how do I get my company’s page to show up higher in Google when people search?”
Me: ”Well, there are several factors…”
Neighbour: ”Yeah, well I’ve been sitting here clicking on a link to my web site all morning over and over and my site isn’t getting any higher on Google.”
Client: “I’ve spoken to my accountant, and he said you were too expensive, that he could find me another designer for half your price, but I want to work with you, can we renegotiate?
Me: “How much are you paying your accountant? I’m sure I can find you a cheaper one.
Client: “Our biggest donor just called, and she is very upset about the racist design you created for the ad for the upcoming Auction & Dinner Dance.”
Me: ”Racist?”
Client: “You know, the picture of the two dancers.”
Me: “You mean the solid black illustration with the romantic couple dancing? That’s called a silhouette.”
...
Designing a logo for a women's business...
Client: ”We like the logo a lot, but we’re hoping you can make it a little more androgynous. We represent strength, power, business… there’s nothing feminine about our organization and we want to our business peers to take us seriously.”
Me: ”How about this? [Image of woman in a power suit]”
Client: ”That’s perfect! Now put her in a skirt and...
He just loves it
Me: “So, can you show me some websites that you like?”
Client: “Sure, check this one out.” [cranks up speakers]
Website: “Welcome to Moe’s!” [Blaring and on repeat]
Client: [clicks around on site to make the noise happen more often]
Me: “[trying to salvage the situation after about 5 minutes of waiting for the client to speak] So what do you...
Client’s Secretary: “Look, you seem to have a lot of talent, but I don’t think that we can use you because my boss clearly stated that we need someone who knows Adobo photoshop.”
Me: “I think you mean Adobe Photoshop…”
Client’s Secretary: ”No, there’s no such thing, and if there is, it’s really not the same software we’re...
“We have an entirely different notion of how the Internet should work.”
2 tags
Me: “I’ve actually made some flyer templates that you can download directly from your website. You can plug in your own text without having to contact me each time that you need a flyer.”
Client: “Download them for me and send them to me in an email. Thanks.”
Client “I would like people to see our new corporate tagline in the results when they Google us.”
Me: “No problem. As a first step, change your homepage title tag to this format: ‘brand name, tagline’.”
The client immediately changed the title tag to read exactly that, before emailing back: Client: “Could you explain how this is going to help?...
“It’s one-hundred pages so we’re concerned that we’re going to...”
“I don’t see how your family is relevant. Don’t you want to make $1000?”
Client: ”Your work is like a 4 yr old did it!”
Me: “Well.. you did request finger paint smears for the background.. Do you want me to make it look like a 5th grader did the smears instead?”
“The customer isn’t paying us for whitespace. They’re paying us to fit all of...”
“We like quality but as cheap as possible, if that makes sense.”
Client response when I asked them if they had any ideas on the logo for their high-end perfume website:
“We want to use a hippo, but a hippo that wants to improve herself.”
“I’m sure we can find a student to do it if you’re not willing to.”
“As you can see the current design isn’t keeping with the current trends....”
Backup Option
My team and I just finished up a stage 1 project meeting when our client casually asked if we all lived locally. It was a tad awkward, but a few of us responded with general statements. Then the guy asked for the names an mobile numbers of our spouses/partners. Shell shocked, I asked why. His response: In case I can’t get in touch with you when I want, I like to have a backup option.
“Did you get my picture via SMS? Put it on my webpage.”
“It’s going to be a mix between Facebook and Ebay with a few very special...”
“Write copy for this great new promotion we’ll be running. Whenever someone...”
– Property Developer
“We consider it a personal victory when our authors get paid correctly and on...”
