December 2011
“How many SEO experts do you need to change a lightbulb lightbulbs buy light...”
How are you the boss?
On the first day of my vacation I get a call from a client.
Client: Hey, I need to make sure my name, email address and phone number are up on our contact page.
Me: I’m not at a computer right now, can you click on the contact page?
Client: (click…click) Ah, there it is. Thanks!
“Sorry, we can’t pay you the three months we owe you - we have to pay wages...”
– A client explaining why he can’t pay my wages and VAT bill
Client: I’m looking for VERY edgy photos for my wedding. Should be an all day job, with 6 hours of posed photos with the wedding party. I’ll need a DVD of all of the edited photos in high resolution and you will be compensated $150. I may also be willing to let you do a ‘Trash the Dress’ shoot with me the next day. In response, I sent a a short (but polite) email stating...
“Help! The captcha picture used to verify new users isn’t very clear!”
Client: While you’re here, could you help me figure out Google Street View?
Me: Sure, it is pretty easy.
Client: Good. I need to see if they are finished planting the new bushes at my house.
“I want it to look more realistic. You know, like ‘The Matrix’.”
– A client requesting a touch-up on some (cartoon) images.
Client: I like the way you linked the image in the on-line flyer to the web page for the product. Can you do that for the new catalog?
Me: But the catalog is a print version.
Client: Yeah, I want them to be able to move to the web page as easily as they can with the flyer images.
Me: But the catalog is a print version.
Client: So? What’s the issue?
The joy of being a designer over the holidays →
Client: We really want the design to be modern and cutting edge graphically. Big “wow-factor.” It needs to look very modern. Me: Great! Do you have any design ideas in mind, or examples of sites you like? I notice the original design has an image-slider, do - Client: We actually don’t want any images on the site at all anymore. Me: None? Client: We want the site design to look...
“We need an illustrator with a medical or veterinarian background. We’re...”
Client: I don’t think of our company as a brand.
Me: Well, we’re providing an organized service to a wide client base under a singular banner. The company is absolutely a brand.
Client: I don’t know… I think of companies like Nikon and Canon as a brand. They put their names on things. What do we put our name on? I just don’t think we’re a brand.
Me: What if I made...
Client: I’m not paying for your work
Me: Is there a reason?
Client: I just don’t want to pay.
Me: Well, you have to pay for my work, even if you don’t use it. You agreed to a contract.
Client: What are you going to do if I don’t pay?
Me: I’ll be forced to get my solicitor involved
Client: Oh… I don’t like the sounds of that. How much will it cost to...
“I’m not willing to pay the website hosting invoice - I paid the last...”
Me: I’m sorry, we’re fully booked.
Client: Then why did you answer the phone!?
Me: It was ringing.
Client: That’s a ridiculous set of standards.
“I’m not paying for hosting. My website doesn’t need hosting, it just...”
I volunteered to get lunch for our design team. The new intern, who had been suspiciously quiet all morning, ordered this:
Client: I’ll have a 6-inch Meatball Marina please.
Me: Meatball Marinara?
Client: Yes, a 6-inch Meatball Marijuana please.
What nice Xmas colors
I sent the project manager a spread sheet filled with edits and tracked defects.
Client: Oh, look at all the nice red and greens. Such nice Christmas colors, very festive of you!
Me: Thanks, t’is the season. But the red means there’s a problem, and the green are values that need to be filled-in.
“I know I owe you £750 but I’m not paying this - I didn’t ask you...”
Me: I’m sorry, he’s not at this hospital. Did you call back the dispatcher to find out?
Client: No, what’s their number?
Me: 9-1..
Client: Wait! Wait! Let me get a pen. Okay, go.
Me: 9-1-1.
Client: 9… 1… 1… Okay. So do I put my area code in front of that?
Working at a shoe store, a client holds up a brown shoe.
Client: Is this the color of your brown?
Me: I’m sorry?
Client: If I get this shoe in brown, will it be this colour of brown?
Me: If you buy that shoe, yes, it will be that shade of brown.
Client: You’re sure?
“Can you replace all the red with blue or aqua? We want a warmer look.”
I worked at a movie theater over the summer.
Client: What’s The Help about? Is it good?
Me: I haven’t seen it yet, but our synopsis says it’s about race relations in Mississippi in the 1960s. Specifically, white families and the black help.
Client: You work at a movie theater and you don’t know what it’s about?
Me: I personally haven’t seen the movie - I...
“Can we do a website in complete 3D? Maybe users can print out 3D glasses to look...”
Client: You should have indicated a problem with the app sooner.
Me: It was only just made available to me to launch. As soon as I saw the problem, I flagged it.
Client: But you should have looked for a problem sooner. Me: I just saw it for the first time. I wasn’t involved with the project until now. You just hired me. Client: That’s not true - I sent you an e-mail three months ago...
I work at a cruise ship company.
Client: Do you have any rooms with underwater balconies available?
Me: I’m sorry?
Client: You must be new… Can I speak to someone that knows what they are talking about?
“We would like to dray flames on the cover don’t use a picture! But could...”
I’ve been re-creating a series of medical illustrations for an online hemophilia handbook. One of the diagrams is an example of parents passing on X and Y chromosomes to potential offspring. The client wanted the new diagram to be more “ethnically diverse” than the original.
After several hours and much illustrating later:
Client: I love it! But, I gave it some thought, and I...
Helping a client plan a trip.
Client: Is it cold in Alaska?
Me: Yes, definitely. You should bring warm clothes.
Client: So I should bring a sweater?
Me: Ma’am, you are going dog sledding on a glacier…
Client: …
Me: Maybe even bring two sweaters.
Read the large, bolded print
Client: I didn’t want XP - I wanted Vista.
Me: But you asked for XP.
Client: But I want Vista now.
Me: I’m sorry sir, but you signed the form - it says right here in bold letters that there is no return on software.
Client: I only signed it. I didn’t read it.
Me: Again, I’m sorry - but it’s in bold letters for you to pay attention to it.
Client: Maybe YOU should...
“The screenshot you sent is all wrong. It doesn’t let me play the video. It...”
Client: The image of the black woman is too big… and it needs to be smaller. It also looks photoshopped.
Me: Photoshopped? How?
Client: She shouldn’t be at the front, it looks wrong.
Me: I don’t understand. Does the lighting seem wrong?
Client: No. She should simply be at the back.
Client: What is the opposite of Z?
Me: … of Z?
Client: Yeah, I’m doing the ctrl+Z thing and I went too far back in time. You know that scene in the Time Machine where he goes too far back in time?
Me: Yeah.
Client: Like that.
I work in a bakery in which we can take images given to us by customers and transfer them into edible images that can be placed onto the cakes. One client wanted a full sheet cake with a very large image of a group of people.
Client: When you said the color might change, what did you mean?
Me: Occasionally the images will appear darker when transferred onto the cake.
Client: Can you tell...
A client called having technical trouble accessing a file on his computer.
Me: Okay, are you using Mac or PC?
Client: I’m not sure.
Me: Okay, does it say “Start” in the bottom left corner of your screen?
Client: No.
Me: Is there a circle with a flag icon there?
Client: No.
Me: Is there an apple in the top left corner of the screen?
Client: No.
Me: Do you know if...
Client: (holding an old brochure) If you have this on your computer, we can just update the information.
Me: Great, that’s easy.
Client: But can you change the font?
Me: Sure.
Client: This picture doesn’t really work. And the background is a little too…. frilly. And the title should -
Me: Why don’t you tell me what to keep first.
Client: I like the trifold.
“Send the copy to me. I probably don’t have time to comment, so if you...”
Client: I think the printer’s broken, it has only been spitting out blank pages all day.
Me: It says it’s out of toner.
Client: Hold on, let me show you … See? Blank page.
Me: Have you refilled the toner recently?
Client: I just don’t think the page is making it from the computer to the printer.
Me: No, it’s out of toner. It says so right on the display here...
“If you act like an infidel, I’m going to treat you like an infidel.”
– Ironically, the word this client was thinking of was “imbecile.”
To the moon and back!
Client: We thought we could visualise the extra mileage by showing how far into space it can get you.
Me: That’s different! So how far does it get you then?
Client: 14,000km
Me: Oh. You do realise the moon is over 360,000km away from the Earth?
Client: …I did not.
Client: Hello. I’d like to speak to someone about a possible discount.
Me: I am not able to issue discounts, that’s something my manager takes care of. His name is Brian, but he’s not here at the moment.
Client: Can I speak to him?
Me: I’m afraid he’s not here - but I can leave a message for him and have him call you.
Client: I just wanted to talk to someone...
“Please make the video between 60 seconds and 1 minute.”
Client: The logo’s good, except… that circle doesn’t look like it’s right side up.
Me: Excuse me?
Client: Yeah. See, the top of the circle is at a 45 degree angle. Our visitors won’t like that.
Me: But… It’s a circle. Circles don’t have tops and bottoms; they’re circles.
Client: If you say so, but if my site doesn’t get as many...
I had a project designing wedding invitations for a client and his very religious wife-to-be. They very clean cut - they explained there would be no alcohol at the wedding and hoped I could (subtly) include that information in the invitation. They explained it was for moral reasons and I didn’t inquire further. Later, I was at a bar when I saw my client.
Making out with a man.
I...
“Do you know how to spell your name?”
– A client writing a cheque.
Client: There’s a virus pre-empting everything I type into Google.
Me: That’s a part of Google, don’t worry about it.
Client: Oh, right… do they know they have a virus?!
Client: I don’t like the way you’ve placed those two trees!
Me: OK, where would you like them instead?
Client: I don’t know, I just don’t like them that way. Can you not put them in a line like that?
Me: You… don’t want these two trees to be in a line?
Client: Right. Don’t put them in a line.
Me: Should I put them in a circle instead?
Client: Yes!...
Client: So unlimited calling… How many minutes is that?
Me: Unlimited m’am.
Client: But how many minutes is it? I don’t want to go over…
Me: Don’t worry m’am, it’s an unlimited amount, so you don’t have to pay for minutes.
Client: No minutes?! Then why is it $45?!
Me: Let me know any revisions for the rough cut so I can do them before the color correcting.
Client: We’re trying to create a brand - remove the ugly people
Me: Ok, the password is: K upper case, z lower case, L upper case, two -
Client: Two…? Upper case or lower case?
