December 2011
A client asked me to book some hotel rooms.
Me: Do you want a room with one bed or two beds?
Client: What’s the difference?
November 2011
Client: So do you do any real writing?
Me: I write some great poetry about my inadequacy issues.
“How do I get my mobile to say my e-mails are sent from an iPhone?”
– Sent from my Blackberry Device
I work at a call center for a major cell phone company. A client called, complaining about being lied to about a data plan. After forty minutes of trying to figure out what they wanted me to do, I put him on hold. I got my manager, comped his first month, and managed to get him the plan he thought he was promised. After that, I asked if there was anything I could do. He told me to cancel his...
Client: Could you photoshop it so that I look like less of an asshole?
Me: I’m sorry, how…?
Client: My employees say I look like an asshole in this picture, so take care of it.
Me: Can you ask them how you look like -
Client: Look, my employees are ignorant idiots, just fix it.
Me: Oh, I think I see it now.
Me: “Alright, I want you to go ahead and drag that file to your desktop.” Client: “Pff. I don’t have a desktop, I have a laptop!”
Client: “Can you photoshop a smile on Greg’s face. That guy is so depressing.” Me: “Well, I think it looks just fi—” Client: “We’re a travel agency, we’re supposed to sell good times to people. Greg just looks like he’s selling misery. He looks like Eeyore.” Me: “I don’t think he looks—” Client: “Hey...
“We have a few gramerical corrections to make.”
Me: “You might want to start taking precautions with your password… Maybe guard it a little better.” Client: “It’s fine, nobody’s figured it out.” Me: “Ya, well, for starters, your password is on your screensaver—which is really weird. Also, you mutter it when you type it…” Client: “So what? So I’ll stop doing...
Me: “I got a new phone, and they gave me a new number, so you should take it down…” Client: “Which new phone?” Me: “iPhone 4S” Client: “For who?” Me: “What?” Client: “You phoned for who? I’m confused” Me: “So am I…”
Client: “She needs the Multi-Latino package for cable and the Multi-Latino internet.” Me: “…The Multi-Latino internet?” Client: “Yep.” Me: “The internet…the internet we have is in every language.” Client: “But which one is cheaper?”
Me: “Yup, your computer is broken. Do you have another one you can use, while we take this one down to get fixed?” Client: “My only other computer is stashed away in an aluminum box with a bunch of magnets…” Me: “What on earth would compel you to do a thing like that!?” Client: “Y2K was a scary, strange time for everyone, man.”
“If we crop out the fat kid, will it knock the file size down enough?”
“When I zoom my browser to 150%, the contact button on the navigation bar gets...”
“Move the photo about an inch to the right… or however many pixies that is....”
“Can you make the bulldog less horny looking? Less lusty? Maybe put his tongue...”
– Client, a high school principal in need of a less ‘stimulating’ sports team mascot
Client: “I just enrolled for online banking, and now I want to withdraw money.” Me: “Sure, you can withdraw money from one account and transfer it to another account.” Client: “No, I want to withdraw money from my account… so I can spend it.” Me: “Sir, your computer will not dispense cash.” Client: “Why the hell do you call it online...
Client: “So, the website is fine and all, but this ad in the side bar is disturbing. The image really draws attention away from the site’s content, in an ugly way.” Me: “It uses Google AdSense— What’s disturbing about it?” Client: “There’s a naked lady asking me if I’d like to be in contact with home-alone housewives in my...
“I want to develop a storage service called iCrowd. It will be like iCloud, only...”
– A potential client, unaware a) that he was making a joke on Asian pronunciation, and b) that they already have iCloud in Asia
Client: “I’ve got these viral fitness videos that I want you to rebrand for DVD sale.” Me: “Okay—any ideas for a name or a slogan? Anything you’ve used before might help.” Client: “The old slogan was ‘Work will set you free!’” Me: “Ooh, you probably want to steer clear of the nazi stuff.” Client: “Nazi? Well, I...
“We have our own equipment, but we’re not bringing it with us… But...”
– A client of mine, either lazy or thrifty—I can’t tell
Client: “I don’t mean to sound racist, but…” Me: “But what?” Client: “But the site is too black.” Me: “Like, literally too black?” Client: “Yes. The background is too black.” Me: “That’s not racist. That has nothing to do with race.” Client: “Phew. I can never tell with you black people, what’s...
“The gold you used looked great on my monitor at home, but here at my work...”
Me: “I’m going to need your FTP password.” Client: “Oh, it’s automatic.” Me: “Automatic?” Client: “Yeah, when you log in, the password is automatically there, all set… If you want I can tell you how many dots are in it, so you can check.”
“These days, I’m using the Mozzarella one… With the fire.”
– Client, when asked what internet browser he’s been using
“These days, I’m using the Mozzarella one… With the fire.”
– Client, when asked what internet browser he’s been using
Client: “I’m trying to log into the website for the software demo and it keeps saying ‘Invalid Credentials’. I’m using the login information you sent via email.”
Me: “Well, I’m able to login, so I know it works. Let’s check the spelling you’re using.”
Client: “Maybe I misspelled the password. Should the ‘N’ in...
Client: “So, I was thinking about the design for my business card… (shows me a website of some local artist’s portfolio). I want this.” Me: “Oh, you mean something like all this art-deco style filigree here?” Client: “Yeah! Just take this design, edit out the text, shrink it down and add my name. I’m easy, huh?”
I worked in a call center for a well known cable/broadband provider when an older woman calls about her TV not working properly. Client: “I cannot get a picture on my TV.” Me: “Is it just black, or are there some numbers or text on the screen?” Client: “No picture, but I can see the clock telling me what time it is.” Me: “Ok, there should be some buttons...
Client: “I can’t log in to my account! I need to know my username.”
Me: “Ok… your username is ‘yourfirstname.yourlastname’”
Client: “Can you spell that for me?”
Client: “Your website is not working. It isn’t resetting my password!”
Me: “I apologize, ma’am, I can reset it for you right now… Alright, I’ve reset your password to the word ‘password’”
Client: “Let me try it before you hang up”
Me: “Sounds good”
Client: “Nope! This damn thing isn’t working!”
Me: “Hmm. Ok, I’ll reset it again… Try now.”
...
I manage customer relations for a software company. Me: “I hate to be the one to notify you, but your delivery failed. You provided the wrong address… UPS couldn’t find your office and was unable to contact you.” Client: “Well, we can’t be expected to give out our correct information to everyone on the internet!”
“There’s one thing that our social media site will have that Facebook...”
Me: “What size would you like the handout to be?” Client: “Hmm.. About the size of paper”
I work from home taking calls for a major home shopping network…
Me: “We are also recommending the beautiful necklace that compliments the bracelet you just ordered.” Client: “I didn’t see it. Can you show it to me?” Me: “Um, do you have Internet access?” Client: “I’m in bed. Just show it to me!” Me: “I can’t do that. They will show the...
Tensions afoot
Client: “On an additional note, and I’m not sure how you want to handle this, but we also felt like your team was condescending to us in the meeting. I felt like I was being talked to by your typical dime-a-dozen Bay Area “internet wunderkids”, and we were being treated like a bunch of digital newbies. It was very annoying.” My colleague: “…It’s actually pronounced...
Me: “The layout is mostly complete, we just need the ‘Please join us’ pitch for the top of page two. I’ve put some nonsense, corporate mumbo jumbo placeholder text there for the time being.” Client: “Hmm, the ‘Please join us’ on the second page has a concluding sentence that is difficult to understand and is not needed. Could you maybe change ‘Please...
“My techie guy informed me that there are cookies stored in my computer, in the...”
Teaching an old retired military guy how to use a computer for the first time…
Client: “I can’t get this damned mouse-thing to work!” Me: “OK, what happens when you try to use it?” Client: (Slams the mouse against the monitor and slides it around.) “See? I can get it to move a little bit, but I can’t really get it to go where I want it to!”
A good example of what clients from hell get in...
http://www.hurtownia-kontakt.pl/
Client: “The theme of the ad is ‘We’re turning prices upside down!’ so we want the ad to be upside down.” Me: “It’s in the printer…” Client: (picks up one of the copies) “But what’s it going to look like upside down?” I take the paper, flip it upside down and hand it back. Client: “No, no, it’s still not upside down!” Me:...
“The thing is, we don’t want it to look like we spent this money on it.”
– Department of Communications at a non-profit organization I was doing website work for
“The thing is, we don’t want it to look like we spent this money on it.”
– Department of Communications at a non-profit organization I was doing website work for
Client: “My windows are broken! Every time I try to open a new one, the file menu just closes right away! I can’t get anything done!” Me: “Do you need this big pile of paper here?…” Client: “Uh…” Me: “The one that’s sitting on the ESC key.” Client: “Well, you must think I’m an idiot.”
Client: “I’m looking to open a Christian dating website.”
Me: “Okay… I noticed the Darwin fish on the bumper of your car—are you actually Christian?”
Client: “Oh, God no. But I figure it’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel.”
Me: “…”
Client: “Only for every fish I shoot, Jesus will make, like, 40 more of them,...
Client: “Do I click ‘next’ to submit this?”
Me: “Yes.”
Client: “It says ‘session timed out’. Have I lost all my work?”
Me: “No, just go back and you can copy it to a word document to make sure.”
Client: “You do it.”
Me: (highlighting the text and pasting it to a word doc) “There, now go ahead”
Client: (resigns into account) “Right, submit… Oh! I just realised, that’s going...
Client: “The layout is pretty spot on, but the hooky letters—”
Me: “The font, you mean?”
Client: “Yes, the font. It’s too snooty. It’s not any fun.”
Me: “I think it makes everything look quite professional.”
Client: “It’s too cold… What’s that sand one I like? With the sand letters.
Me: “I have no...
“Can’t we find some curvy women willing to bare a little skin in exchange...”
– A client of mine, the owner of an appliance repair shop, getting a little too excited about the idea of being in a photo shoot.
Client: “I like the website and everything, and I love the design, but I’m really put off by this Google thing…”
Me: “What’s the matter?”
Client: “Well, when I start to type out the first three letters of the company name in the search bar, Google suggests ‘vaginal discharge’ as the first option! How are our customers supposed to shop...
“I want a design that will appeal both to the ‘ironic-mustache’...”
– My client, trying to explain to me what’s cool these days 