I work at a call center for a major cell phone company. A client called, complaining about being lied to about a data plan. After forty minutes of trying to figure out what they wanted me to do, I put him on hold. I got my manager, comped his first month, and managed to get him the plan he thought he was promised.
After that, I asked if there was anything I could do. He told me to cancel his service - he went out yesterday and got service with another provider. He just wanted us to realize and correct our mistake.
“Can you make the bulldog less horny looking? Less lusty? Maybe put his tongue back in his mouth? This is a high school, after all—the kids are too damned impressionable.”—Client, a high school principal in need of a less ‘stimulating’ sports team mascot
“I want to develop a storage service called iCrowd. It will be like iCloud, only for Asian countries!”—A potential client, unaware a) that he was making a joke on Asian pronunciation, and b) that they already have iCloud in Asia
“The gold you used looked great on my monitor at home, but here at my work computer it looks like it’s orange! If you could make it look more like gold, just on my work computer, that would be great… I’ll just be in the other room checking people’s computer’s to see if theirs need to be ‘golded’ too.”—
“There’s one thing that our social media site will have that Facebook hasn’t even thought of… People can rate each other! Out of a possible five stars, depending on looks and talent… We’re gonna put that Mark Zapperburger out of business, I know it!”—
Client: “On an additional note, and I’m not sure how you want to handle this, but we also felt like your team was condescending to us in the meeting. I felt like I was being talked to by your typical dime-a-dozen Bay Area “internet wunderkids”, and we were being treated like a bunch of digital newbies. It was very annoying.”
My colleague: “…It’s actually pronounced ‘Wunderkind’.
Me: “The layout is mostly complete, we just need the ‘Please join us’ pitch for the top of page two. I’ve put some nonsense, corporate mumbo jumbo placeholder text there for the time being.”
Client: “Hmm, the ‘Please join us’ on the second page has a concluding sentence that is difficult to understand and is not needed. Could you maybe change ‘Please Join us for a two day event that showcases the interrelation of system and subsystem technologies while mandating staff-meeting-level attention to possible bidirectional logical approaches. Based on integral subsystem considerations, the fully integrated program requires considerable analysis and trade-off studies,’ to just ‘Please join us for a two day event that showcases the interrelation of system and subsystem technologies while mandating staff-meeting-level attention to possible bidirectional logical approaches.’ It just sounds better that way.”
“My techie guy informed me that there are cookies stored in my computer, in the Windows XP part of it. I have no idea what he meant by that, or how they could’ve gotten there, but he’s gone for the weekend, so I’ll need your help getting them out. I’ve had this computer for two years—those cookies have almost certainly gone bad by now.”—
“Can’t we find some curvy women willing to bare a little skin in exchange for free fridge repairs? Craigslist! We—we need to post on Craigslist!”—A client of mine, the owner of an appliance repair shop, getting a little too excited about the idea of being in a photo shoot.
Client: “I like the website and everything, and I love the design, but I’m really put off by this Google thing…”
Me: “What’s the matter?”
Client: “Well, when I start to type out the first three letters of the company name in the search bar, Google suggests ‘vaginal discharge’ as the first option! How are our customers supposed to shop happily with vaginal discharges on their minds!”