October 2011
“My monitor says ‘no signal’. Do I need to upgrade my Internet service?”
Client: “Hello, I’m looking to make a reservation arriving on the 13th and departing on the 12th.” Me: “Okay, so you are arriving on the 12th for one night?” Client: “No, in on the 13th, out on the 12th.” Me: “So, in on July 13th and out on August 12th?” Client: “Are you having a bad day?” Me: “What? No.” Client: “I...
Client: “When I Google ‘Open Sundays’, our company website doesn’t even come up.” Me: “Why would it?” Client: “Uh, because we’re open Sundays. Obviously.” Me: “There are a lot of places that are open on Sunday, though.” Client: “But I wasn’t looking for those other sites, I was looking for ours. Are you even...
Client: “I’m looking at using a combined Blue & Red color that is neither Blue or Red. I would appreciate it if you could check with a few printing experts to see if they can suggest anything.”
Me: “Purple. You—you mean purple.”
Client: “Could you email me the first page of your proposal again? I printed it all out, but then I wrote all over the first page. So I need you to send it again.” Me: “Do you still have the pdf file you printed it from?” Client: “Yes.” Me: “So, maybe you could just print that file again?” Client: “Oh. You can do that!? Since when?”
“I don’t know. Aren’t colours completely subjective anyways?...”
– A client I was doing a logo for, expressing some subjectivist existentialism.
Client: “The word ‘Blog’ sounds too alien. (Does an impression with his arms)’Glip glorp zoop blog, I am a martian’, if you know what I mean.”
Me: “Um, I guess I do, sure.”
Client: “There’s no humanity in it! I want people to associate our company with humanness.”
Me: “So you want to remove the blog page?”
...
Client: “Can you make it so when people land on our website, it’s, like, all black with stars coming out of the screen all whoosh whoosh (does the action) like in that screensaver?” Me: “…” Client: “With the music from Star Wars.” Me: “…” Client: “And it does that for, like, a minute, then stops and they have to click on one of the stars.” Me: “Any star?” Client: “No. No. A specific...
...From Hell.
A client of mine likes to send me long emails in Papyrus font.
“Do you know, with your experience, how we can ‘Chinesisize’ the...”
“I’m trying to type my password, but all I see are stars!”
“We’re praying for Google, that it may make good honest choices and see the...”
– Christian organization I did a site for, their SEO strategy.
Client: “My computer is frozen!” Me: “What screen is it frozen on?” Client: “The first screen, where it says push ctrl+alt+del to log in. I can move the mouse around, but when I push those buttons it does nothing” Me: “Is your keyboard plugged in?” Client: “No, It’s a wireless keyboard” Me: “Have you changed the batteries?” Client: “This thing takes batteries!? I thought it ran off satellite...
Client: “I need you to bring up the things.”
Me: “The things?”
Client: “The thingies! On the email.”
Me: “Ah, the documentation files. They’re in your inbox.”
Client: “In-what? What box?! Just get me the thingies and let’s do this thing.”
Client: “Can you draft me up a banner for our downtown location?” Me: “Sure. What did you have in mind?” Client: “It’s very simple. The Banner will read ‘#Occupy Pizza!’” Me: “Uh, do you really want to use that as a marketing ploy? I think it has different connotations than you might think—” Client: “And a picture of a...
Text correspondence with a new client: Client: “The logo will be a pig trying to catch a hotdog in its bum.” Me: “That’s pretty racy, haha.” Client: “I meant ‘bun’! Damn kegs!” Me: “?” Client: “Damn keys! Uhh Dammit!”
“You mean, WE have to give feedback on the draft, if we want you to change it?...”
I was working for this jack-of-all-trades kind of client. We did everything from newspaper ads to massive events media planning and logistic. One day, he stumbled upon my animation reel. Client: “You know, I saw your animations last night. They are pretty good.” Me: “Thank you sir.” Client: “I would like to do some business out of your skills.” Me: “Sounds good, as long as I get a fair share. What...
“Just throw some fucking flowers or something in there”
– The head of sales, contacting me to design a flashbanner for a botanical garden.
I visited with my boss, and a client whose website I’m going to do. The client had met my boss before, but not me. So, my boss introduced me: Boss: Well, this is the guy who’s doing your website, Bob. Client: Hi there! So you’re the nerd, right?
Client: “I’m going to send you the document you asked for. I’ll need your email address.” Me: “jane_smith@company.com” Client: “How do you spell that?” Me: “j-a-n-e underscore s-m-i-t-h @compay.com” Client: “I don’t know what you mean. So it’s j-a-n-e-u-n-d-e-r-s-c-o-r-e-s-m-i-t-h@company.com?” Me: “No. Underscore. As in the...
Client: “I took a photo with the colours I want for my home page, I’ll send it to you, but I can’t seem to find my damn phone.” Me: “Wait, so what are you calling me from?” Client: “…” Me: “…” Client: “You can’t let ANYONE know about this!”
“We’ve discussed it, and I think the thing we don’t like about it is the...”
Me: “Your password must contain at least 8 characters, a capital letter and a number.” Client: “Okay. And the number, does that have to be capitalized too?”
Client: “This silver background on the site… what happened to it!?” Me: “What do you mean? Nothing happened.” Client: “It used to be reflective.” Me: “Uh, no, no.” Client: “I’m quite sure.” Me: “That’s impossible.” Client: “Yes, I distinctly remember seeing my reflection in the background, and...
Client: “I need this campaign to change direction completely, spin around in the other direction. I know 360 degrees makes you point the same way again, so I guess I’m asking for a 359 degree change.” Me: “So you want us to exert the most amount of effort for the least amount of change…” Client: “What? No. 359 degrees! Big change!”
Client: “Stop typing stuff on my computer. Use your own.” Me: “I’m just installing—” Client: “I don’t care. It will just confuse me.” Me: “But, it’s necessary that you understand—” Client: “Listen, just stop fiddling with stuff. I saw the movie “Hackers”, okay, I know how stealth you people are!”
The oldest one in the book, sadly
Me: “How may I help you today?” Client: “Yes, I can’t seem to move my mouse at all, or do anything. I wanted to send some email invitations!” Me: “Well, it’s probably nothing major. Your computer is probably frozen.” Client: “No!” Me: “Well, bear with me—” Client: “That’s the same thing my son said when I...
Me: “I got the photos you sent me for the viral marketing campaign, but I’m confused… They’re all of you lying face down on a bed.”
Client: “It’s called planking. Trust me, it’s cool.”
Me: “Ya, I don’t think you quite understand this one.”
Weird Ol' Restaurateur
Me: “All seems to be going great on our end. We’ve finished the design; you can view it if you’d like… If you have any further changes or suggestions, just let us know. Oh, and we’re still going to need the introduction copy for the site, and the remaining dinner menu info. If you require any assistance with the copywriting, we’d be happy to accommodate you!” Client: “Hello! This is...
Me: “So, what do you want the website to be called?” Client: “I’m not sure. We did have a name, but it started with a ‘W’” Me: “and…” Client: “…and I don’t want that, as it will come up at the end of the list on Google. Obviously.”
Client: “I don’t want to download it. Just give it to me over the phone.” Me: “It’s a computer program, I can’t give it to you over the phone. I can mail you a DVD, or I can tell you how to safely download it over the internet.” Client: “Look, I’m not downloading anything, and I’m not getting off the phone until you give it to me.” Me: “…Okay, do you...
Yokel Paranoia
Me: “Hello, how can I direct your call?” Client: “Why are you tracking me?” Me: “Pardon me?” Client: “I got an email from someone at your company saying you’re tracking me.” Me: “We provide GPS tracking services. Are you a current customer?” Client: “No, I ain’t a customer. My Name is Rick —.” Me: “Thank you, Rick....
“It’s not that I don’t want to pay you, but if I were to pay each...”
Client: “I don’t like that button, it sorta sticks out…” Me: “Yeah, it’s supposed to do that.” Client: “It doesn’t look like the rest of the website. It doesn’t blend in with the colours, y’know.” Me: “It’s a Call To Action—we want people to notice it, and click it.” Client: “Well, I don’t like it. I don’t want stuff that...
Client had set up a twitter account by himself and was using it for well over a year when I received the following: I tried to tweet to myself and it didn’t work! Can you fix this immediately and let me know.
Me: “Good morning, how may I direct your call?” Client: “I need to talk to Tom please.” Me: “Tom is on another line at the moment, would you like to leave a voicemail?” Client: “…What’s voicemail?” Me: “It will record your voice and Tom can listen to your message later. Would you like me to transfer you?” Client: “You can’t...
Client: “I don’t like the type.” Me: “What don’t you like.” Client: “I don’t like how it goes all to one side.” Me: “You mean ranged left.” Client: “Yes, yes, arranged left.” Me: “How do you want it?” Client: “To be the same on both sides.” Me: “Justified?” Client: “I don’t have to justify...
...In other words, the equivalent to yelling at...
I need you to make a web ad. The title of this year’s bash is “GET WICKED AT WORK!” (this should be big and bold and really pop) SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29th (please have the date really stand out as well) COSTUME CONTEST! (this should really pop) I also attached logos to go on the ad (please make the logos stand out a bunch) Also, a plus-one is optional (really make this stand out. I want to get the...
The follies of short form
During a conference call with a new client:
Client: “…So, are you the one I got the VD from?”
Me: “Um, no, I—um—”
Client: “Sorry, I meant DVD.”
Client: “Why aren’t the new pictures up on my site already?”
Me: ”You sent me a shortcut to your CD, on your computer, not the actual pictures. I already explained that in the email reply.”
Client: ”But it said that the mail was sent! How could you not get the pictures?”
Client: “Just fix up the blurry text on the leaderboard. The other ones are fine.” Confused, I open the file and have a look. The text looks fine, so I call her over to ask what she’s on about. Client: “Yes, that’s better!” Me: “I didn’t do anything.” Client: “You must have, because when I opened it on my computer it was blurry.” Me: “…” Client: “Just send me this update and...
Client: “Why is there empty space in this site?” Me: “It helps separate areas of content, like paragraphs, your sidebar, etc.” Client: “Well, fill it up! I’m not paying you for nothing!”
Client: “I’m typing on the keyboard, but it doesn’t show on the screen!” Me: “Have you checked the cable from the keyboard to the computer?” Client: “Yes, I’ve checked all the cables.” Me: “Okay. Could you please give me the serial number on the computer, and I’ll be right out?” Client: “Sure, just give me a moment to find a...
“I’m going to tell you what I told my second wife: if you can’t deal...”
Client: “Wait, you’re saying it in different words…I don’t understand!” Me: “I apologize…please TURN ON your computer.”
Client: “My modem won’t work anymore” Me: “What lights do you see on it?” Client: “None. No lights.” Me: “Plug it in.” Client: “It’s plugged in. But no lights.” Me: “Have you been having problems with it lately?” Client: “Yes, it used to heat up…” Me: “That’s normal for—”...
Client: “Why haven’t you fixed our email?!” Me: “I didn’t know you had an email problem…” Client: “We sent you an email, like, four days ago telling you that it doesn’t work!”
I am photographing a team of ten, and they’re already standing as close as possible. Their boss, the client, takes a look at the preview. Client: “I don’t like that there is so much of their bodies visible, and so much background above their heads. I want the faces only.” Me: “The camera takes pictures with a fixed side ratio. I already filled the width of the frame with the team, there is...
“I’ve sent you a photo of the team to include in the brochure. Rob, the guy on...”
