A client of mine came into my office to discuss a new site for his business, with him he brought his young child. After a few minutes the boy spoke up to indicate that he had soiled himself. He was not wearing diapers. At that point I offered up the bathroom to change the child as the smell was already quite offensive. The client very non-chalantly declined and proceeded with our discussion unaffected. The meeting lasted for another hour and a half.
February 2011
January 2011
Client: “My site is down. What did you do?”
Me: “Well, I haven’t done anything in a while. Can you get to Google.com?
Client: “No. Why did you take Google down too?”
Client: “Even though I have repeatedly checked “Remember me,” the system has attempted to force me to log-in again. We often hear about this from members and I am sure that many members experience this and do not contact us but never revisit the web site. I am not interested in an explanation for this problem so much as I am interested in ensuring a solution where members will never encounter this situation again. This needs to be resolved quickly and we should not need to re-visit this again.”
Completely Absurd
Client [talking about a fancy image border]: “I really don’t like it. We have a lot of work to do on this one. This looks too much like tagliatelle. It’s really really wrong. I want it to be more like spagetti. It is very important.”
Me: “Alright, we’ll give it another try.”
[After a small round of feedback with really minor almost unnoticeable revisions]
Client [crying over the phone]: “No. No. First you show me a whipped cream cake and now you want me to agree with this pumpkin pie? I don’t want pumpkin pie. I want cake! I want it back the way it was, but please pay attention this time: spa-ghe-tti.”
“So, who did you vote for?”
—
“Could you make these inner-tubers look more upscale? You know, glamify them a bit.”
—
[After I had emailed the client with some wire frames for a website..]
Client: “Looks good…please convert it to a Word document so that I can make changes to it.”
“I’m not paying you for editing the pictures. I’ve got microsoft picture manager on my computer, I could’ve done it myself!”
—
“Don’t worry, I have a college kid working on some stuff..”
—
[I was contracted to do the design of a brochure of which, I was told, there would be 5000 copies.]
Client: “The art on the brochure is being cut off around all sides, and a big white border is surrounding the whole piece. I am surprised you let this happen, fix immediately.”
Me: “I was told that your print vendor can handle full bleed. Can you give me their phone number so that I can talk to them about specs?”
Client: “Phone number? My printer doesn’t have a phone number, it is just sitting on my desk. It’s a Cannon All-in-one, if that helps.”
“I don’t mean to brag, but I am quite good at coding the internet.”
—
“Just do that arty-farty shit that you and [coworker] do. That’s what I pay you for!”
—
“I appreciate you working over the weekend to deliver the design mock up but I think that we can all agree that it’s really not very good.”
—
The Asshole Lawyer Boyfriend
[I’m not a designer but the attorney hired by a designer. I’m informing the client over the phone that he’s being sued for not paying the amount specified.]
Me: “Good afternoon, my name is [xxx], representing [designer] and [company]. We’re calling about payment that has not yet been received for a project which you agreed to pay for.”
Client: “What?! Who’s suing me?! Who is this?”
Me: “As I said, my name is [xxx], representing [designer] and [company]. You have X,XXX.XX that was supposed to be paid several months ago, as agreed upon by a contract with my clients.”
Client: “Are you suing me for a website? You’re not making any damn sense!”
Me: “You owe someone a fair deal of money and you’ve made it very clear that you have no intention of paying. I have several emails from your email address responding to my clients with messages such as “sayonara, suckers” and I am calling to see if you’d like to pay your fees now, or if we need to bring this into a courtroom, which I’m sure we’re all looking to avoid.”
Client: “I don’t know who this is or what the hell you want from me but listen up: fooling someone to make you a website isn’t a crime!”
Me: “You’re actually looking at some large fines and — should this be considered a felony — jail time.”
Client: “You’re a damn lawyer, you should know websites aren’t real. A website isn’t a thing, you can’t steal it! [designer] can still look at it, it’s still kinda his!”
[Within three days time, the designer received a check with the amount listed and an additional $20.00 “for your asshole lawyer boyfriend.” The designer had to resist framing the check for the novelty.]
A potential client e-mailed me some documents related to his project. I told him that I would not be able to take on his project at this time.
Client: “Then you need to e-mail me back the documents. They have trade secrets in them.”
Me: “Your privacy is important to me, I’ll make sure to delete them from my hard drive.”
Client: “No. Send them back so that I can make sure that you don’t have them anymore.”
So, I e-mailed them back to him and he was satisfied.
“Look, if I had extra money to throw away, I’d give it to you.”
—
Client: “Your portfolio and skills impress me quite a bit. I would really love to hire you for this job but before that I would like to ask you one question: are you from Iran?”
Me: “Yep, I was born there and have been living in America since I was 3. Is it important to you?”
Client: “I am not comfortable working with terrorists.”
“I can’t pay you very much but I can give you a lot of work.”
—
“I would do it, but I don’t know the Photoshop.”
—
Client: “You know when you bite into a really good apple and you get that great crunch sound and the juices flow strong and sweet, and for a split second the world is perfect? It’s the best and it makes you want more. That is the feeling I want people to get from the ads. This does not mean I want a picture of an apple.”
