September 2010
51 posts
Client: ”We went ahead and copied your signature to a new contract with a few minor modifications, nothing big. Looking forward to working with you!”
[They cut the deadline from one month to one week, and cut the price by 40%. Somehow they were shocked when I said I wouldn’t honor the contract, even though I “signed” it.]
“One pixel is still too big. Please make it smaller. ASAP.”
Client: “I have the inspiration photos on my phone, I can show you what I’m talking about now.”
[Client holds the phone facing me and scrolls through the photos with his finger.]
Client: See, these colors. Here’s another one…
[Client scrolls a little too enthusiastically, and lands on a photo of his smiling face next to a giant erect penis.]
Client: “Oh! Ha! Not that...
The Oatmeal on Design Feedback →
“I misunderstood what ‘web design’ meant. I will simply request a...”
“Let’s put a border around it.. and can the border throb a little? I need it to...”
Me: “I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon.”
Client: “Thanks, that will be great. I’m in all morning.”
“Is that cheap for a website?”
“We’ve identified our target audiences. They’re 50% female and 42%...”
“Mom! I will clean the kitchen in a minute! I am on the phone with my web...”
I recieve an after hours call at 3 AM from a customer. She asks me to look at some reports for her and I explain that the line is reserved for emergencies only. She gets highly upset and then asks what my last name is. I tell her that it’s Rivera and she says “Oh, thats why..” and hangs up.
Client: Our website needs to open 3 popups.
To continue reading you need to add our website to your favorites.
To continue reading you need to make our website your homepage.
Please fill in you e-mail to continue reading.
Maybe we should ask them to give the email of 3 others friends. Maybe this needs to be optional, you know, for people who don’t have friends.
Client: “Do you do ‘easter eggs’? You know, hidden stuff in the video. Like you’d miss it if you don’t pause it.”
Me: “Sure, we can do that. What did you have in mind?”
Client: “Well, we’re zooming through this 3D house, what if… ooh, this would be so funny: have a couple of gay guys in the basement. My boss would love...
Get along, little doggy
Client: We can’t pitch a dog-related property to an international client! What are you thinking!? People in other countries EAT dogs!
“I wanted to touch base just to let you know that my boss is not interested in...”
Project Manager: “We need to talk, you made Sandra (owner of business) cry.”
Me: “I’m really sorry, was it something I said?”
Project Manager: “You said that our logo was dated and old. You even said that it was silly. She’s devastated. I don’t think we’re going to be able to work together.”
[The logo was a line of tools, with googly eyes...
Client with a sense of humor
Client: “I have a major problem with the template that you designed us for our e-bulletin. It’s completely unacceptable and it’s going to need major revisions.”
Me: (Concerned) “I’m sorry to hear that, what don’t you like about it?”
Client: “You’ve got our postal code wrong at the end. You’ve got MD17 and our office is in MD14.”
Me: “Sorry about...
After advising a client to condense his top navigation links from run-on sentences to a more precise choice of words:
Client: “You know, I was a contractor years ago… and you remind me of a finish carpenter I once worked with.”
Me: “How so?”
Client: “He was always trying to do better than he had to, regardless of what I told him. Just trust me.”
Me: “I...
“Can we also get new pictures – the guy not shaved is not acceptable and is not going to represent the firm – even temporarily – he would be sent home and asked to come work when ready to work – we have enough of an issue policing let alone having a bad picture look like we endorse it”
Me: ”For this project, I estimate about $800.”
Client: ”Are you serious or joking?”
Me: ”Serious.”
Client: ”Oh… do you know someone as good as you, but cheaper?”
A neighbor about a block away asked if I could help him setup a website for his small business. I was reluctant because he was kind of creepy and would stare at me at neighborhood events. But I needed some freelance work in-between corporate gigs.
I did a lot of work, and at the end he asked how much he owed me. With the amount of hours, stock photography and revisions that he wanted it was...
Let's stick to cash...
Client: ”My uncle needs a logo done. He’s got this condo on the beach in Florida and I thought you could do the work in trade for a week in the condo.”
Me: ”Well, that might work… where is the condo exactly?”
Client: “It’s on the Gulf side of the state somewhere. It’s very popular. He’s always booked but lately it’s been a little...
“When you email the website to someone it is distorted, I will email you an...”
– Following this, the client copy-pasted the entire web page into an email and sent it to me. Naturally it lacked CSS formatting.
Client: “We need more diversity.”
Me: “I have male and female, African American, White, Asian, American Indian, Indian and/or Pakistani, Hispanic, and Middle Eastern. Who else do you want me to add?”
Client: “Can you add a flamboyantly gay guy?”
Client: Whoa, it’s so shiny! But where is the cup holder?
Me: Cup holder? Computers don’t have cup holders.
Client: Well not all of them, just the good ones. How do you expect to edit a video if you don’t have a good computer?
Awkward Silence
The MD of a company that I’d previously worked for decided to take control of the company website realignment the moment he started with the company. As the designer, I was tasked with bringing his rather vague vision of the site to life.
A meeting was scheduled to go over my design proposal in order to mesh his ideas with what I’d designed a month or two prior to his arrival. After...
“Please replace all ANDs with ampersands. We think it looks more professional.”
One of my clients needed a logo with some blood splatter for a website promoting his book:
Client: The overall shape of the main cluster of drops is good, and the splatter elements that go (as on a compass) West and southwest, as well as those sprays toward the northeast and east, we want to keep. The main larger drops in those quadrants should be kept as is, with just a LITTLE extra splatter in...
“I’m not here to buy you a new car, pal!”
“The typography does not please us. Too much “Tim Burton” not enough pirates.”
“I know what I like and what I don’t like and I know what I want and what I...”
After looking at the approved city skyline photos for the lead image on the new City Public Service website - one that educates the public on city governmental policies:
Client: “I don’t know, these photos aren’t doing anything for me. Can we look at some photos of chigger bites?”
Me: “Chigger bites?”
Client: “Yeah, you know, chigger mites, the bugs. I like the designs that the scabs make.”
“There are a couple of aspects on the design which don’t help search engine...”
– An excerpt from a SEO firm’s critique of a client’s website. The site itself was written in HTML/CSS with Javascript only used to create required slideshows of photographs.
Client: “Oh, your name is Johnson?”
Me: “Yes it is.”
Client: “Oh, I know someone by that name who lives around the corner. Do you live in my neighbourhood? I thought maybe you were his son or something.”
Me: “No, sorry, that’s not me.”
Client: “Oh, I thought if that would be the case then it would explain why your e-mails arrive so quickly.”
Me: “I used dummy text to display the layout, it means nothing.”
Client: “Well, it needs to all be in English so delete it all ASAP. I’ve seen this text in Apple’s word processor, are you copying Apple?”
Me: “It’s Lorem Ipsum, standard dummy text used in mockups.”
Client: “Your bullshitting me, take it off so I don’t get...
“Can you make the reds deeper? Like a Roman brothel? I’m not sure if this helps.”
Client: “For this Email Blast, can we send out a Powerpoint Presentation?”
Me: “No, that won’t work, because you’d have to hope everyone has Powerpoint on their computers. If they don’t, they can’t read it.”
Client: “Right, right. Can we just paste it into the email?”
Me: “The Powerpoint?”
Client: “Yeah, just - you...
Client: “Can you pop open a few windows asking them if they are sure they want to upload a file? I want it to be on the verge of annoying.”
Me: “One pop up is annoying, and the only reason you are there is to upload a file. Let’s not make things harder to use.”
Client: “Oh and can you make it loud?”
“Please make the website and phone number a little bigger and bolder, but the...”
A few revisions
We need to make a few revisions. Please enlarge the logo so that it touches the edge of the ad. Move the URL up a bit and enlarge it to the maximum possible size so that it touches the logo and the edges of the ad. If needed, change the font so that it covers the maximum amount of space available. If there’s any space left, put in our slogan at the top, then put phone numbers at the bottom.
Client: “Can you also say on the poster ‘there will be a live dinner and dance’?”
Me: “Is this the type of dinner where people have to catch their food before they eat it?”
“I don’t want to offend gay people with this design…but I guess they really...”
“Can’t you just take shittier pictures for a discount?”
“If this situation is not rectified, I will be issuing a world-wide press release...”
“Please remove the images of black people as all of our clients are white.”
The Net
During a previous contractor position a few years ago I had to deal with a client who insisted on printing out every single email he recieved and then filed them in ring binders in his office. He got dozens of emails a day from delivery centers and stores with running updates of stock levels.
That same client and his partner refused to switch from a system where stores would phone in with their...
“I want it to say in big red letters: ‘Come here! It’s hip!’. You...”
“I don’t care if the text doesn’t make sense, it looks symmetrical now.”
Client: “I received your quote. Would you like to know what I think of it?
Me: “Yes?”
Client: (Places both hands around his throat, sticks out his tongue, rolls his eyes and starts making loud, guttural choking noises)
“Please erase all other google search results showing our competitors websites...”