Client: ”We went ahead and copied your signature to a new contract with a few minor modifications, nothing big. Looking forward to working with you!”
[They cut the deadline from one month to one week, and cut the price by 40%. Somehow they were shocked when I said I wouldn’t honor the contract, even though I “signed” it.]
“One pixel is still too big. Please make it smaller. ASAP.”
Client: “I have the inspiration photos on my phone, I can show you what I’m talking about now.”
[Client holds the phone facing me and scrolls through the photos with his finger.]
Client: See, these colors. Here’s another one…
[Client scrolls a little too enthusiastically, and lands on a photo of his smiling face next to a giant erect penis.]
Client: “Oh! Ha! Not that one.”
Meeting continues uncomfortably for another 20 minutes.
Me: “I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon.”
Client: “Thanks, that will be great. I’m in all morning.”
I recieve an after hours call at 3 AM from a customer. She asks me to look at some reports for her and I explain that the line is reserved for emergencies only. She gets highly upset and then asks what my last name is. I tell her that it’s Rivera and she says “Oh, thats why..” and hangs up.
Client: Our website needs to open 3 popups.
Maybe we should ask them to give the email of 3 others friends. Maybe this needs to be optional, you know, for people who don’t have friends.
Client: “Do you do ‘easter eggs’? You know, hidden stuff in the video. Like you’d miss it if you don’t pause it.”
Me: “Sure, we can do that. What did you have in mind?”
Client: “Well, we’re zooming through this 3D house, what if… ooh, this would be so funny: have a couple of gay guys in the basement. My boss would love it.”
Me: “You want us to put a couple of men in the basement of the 3D house?”
Client: “Make ‘em gay, though.”
Me: “Well, I want to keep our main objective in mind: we’re demonstrating a wireless household stereo system.”
Client: “Exactly! Our customers are fun. If they catch it, they’ll get a kick out of it.”
Client: We can’t pitch a dog-related property to an international client! What are you thinking!? People in other countries EAT dogs!
Project Manager: “We need to talk, you made Sandra (owner of business) cry.”
Me: “I’m really sorry, was it something I said?”
Project Manager: “You said that our logo was dated and old. You even said that it was silly. She’s devastated. I don’t think we’re going to be able to work together.”
[The logo was a line of tools, with googly eyes and Micky Mouse hands, dancing. Needless to say, I lost the contract - but I didn’t really mind.]
Client: “I have a major problem with the template that you designed us for our e-bulletin. It’s completely unacceptable and it’s going to need major revisions.”
Me: (Concerned) “I’m sorry to hear that, what don’t you like about it?”
Client: “You’ve got our postal code wrong at the end. You’ve got MD17 and our office is in MD14.”
Me: “Sorry about that, I’ll change it straight away. Anything else?”
Client: “No.”
Me: “You had me worried for a moment there! I thought that I’d done something seriously wrong!”
Client: “Well, it was a major inaccuracy which could have had some serious ramifications.”
Me: “Yeah. Though anyone wanting to reply to an email by letter would earn themselves a rueful look from the postman!”
Client: “I don’t think this is a laughing matter, do you?”
After advising a client to condense his top navigation links from run-on sentences to a more precise choice of words:
Client: “You know, I was a contractor years ago… and you remind me of a finish carpenter I once worked with.”
Me: “How so?”
Client: “He was always trying to do better than he had to, regardless of what I told him. Just trust me.”
Me: “I just always do the best I can.”
Client: “Yeah. That’s your problem.
[Pause]
Don’t worry, you’ll learn.”
“Can we also get new pictures – the guy not shaved is not acceptable and is not going to represent the firm – even temporarily – he would be sent home and asked to come work when ready to work – we have enough of an issue policing let alone having a bad picture look like we endorse it”
Me: ”For this project, I estimate about $800.”
Client: ”Are you serious or joking?”
Me: ”Serious.”
Client: ”Oh… do you know someone as good as you, but cheaper?”
