July 2010
Client: “I need to know the exact amount of time it took you and that is what I will pay you for.”
Me: “I am sorry, but I told you that I work by the hour. I don’t work by the minute.”
Client: ”I will pay you for the minutes it took you and not the hour. How long did it take you?”
Me: “60 minutes.”
Client: “Now I know that I asked you for calm and relaxing and I think you did a great job but could you spice it up?”
Me: “Uh.. Sure.”
Client: You know, just add some white or something.
June 2010
“The shaded areas reflect areas we don’t have service and the light areas...”
Client: “The designer will make no decisions regarding this site’s design! Where was the designer while I raising money for this venture?!”
Me: “Art school?”
“We’re not Jewish but we’re Jews, if you know what I mean.”
Boss charges into my office furiously, two days after the company site goes live.
Boss: “Carl just showed me that people can right-click our site and view all our code.”
Me: “Well, yes, that’s how web browsers work.”
Boss: “Take the whole thing down, now! I’ll be damned if I’m going to give our competitors all our god-damn code!”
Client: “I want a way to track all the people that come to my site. Names, addresses, telephone numbers and cell phone.”
Us: “Well, there are some tools to capture visitor information but not to that level unless the viewer supplies that to you. They would have to register at the site and that kills page views.”
Client: “I don’t know why this is so fucking...
The Coupon Puzzle
Client: “I have patented an exciting new marketing technique, the [Coupon Puzzle]. Consumers will receive envelopes with puzzle pieces that they will have to assemble to find out what the coupon is. Have you ever designed a puzzle before?”
Me: “I can’t say that I have, but it shouldn’t be a problem. Can you give me specifics on the file set-up from your printing...
Me: “Could you please provide us with details of what elements you would like to be included on the homepage so our designers know what they need to include.”
Client: “Sure, the site needs to be Professional, Clean/Crisp, Global, Proactive, Eco-Friendly and Dynamic. Hope that helps!”
Client: “How about we pay you in free alcohol?”
Me: “Only if I can make your poster out of macaroni noodles.”
“I had an absolutely horrible thought this evening while I was working on the...”
“Left click? But the mouse is in my right hand….”
Client: “We want out home page to be very minimalistic. We like lots of white space, and only the most important elements. It should look like Google - basically, a logo and one or two other important things.” Me: “Great! In that case, what would you consider to be the one or two most important things?” Client: “Rotating article carousel, dropdown menus, power...
We are currently looking to add some great stories to our upcoming book! If you would like to potentially get a story published, please send in you terrifying/hilarious stories about clients:
Making innapropriate or awkward advances
Throwing temper tantrums
Who have lashed out at you in public
Who have offended you with racist/homophobic/sexist remarks
Client: “Whats your fees to do this template?”
Me: “$40 per hour.”
Client: “Thats steep. How do I know you won’t bill me for extra hours.”
Me: “If you want to be sure you can come and watch.”
Client: “No wiseguy, give me a call whenever you start working on it and whenever you take breaks. I will keep count of the hours.”
Client: “We’d like you to make the About Us and Why Buy From Us pages password protected and only viewable by people who have signed up.”
Me: “But how will people know if they want to sign up if they don’t know anything about you or your service?”
Client: “Look, we don’t want any tire kickers.”
