July 2010
53 posts
Me: “OK, let’s start by opening your web browser.”
Client: “Web browser? Oh, you mean Internet Explorer?”
Me: “Sure, that’ll work. Now you’re going to click on the web address window at the top of your browser and type in…”
Client: “Wait, wait, slow down. What do you mean by click?”
Me: “… like, click with your...
“Steam Punk backgrounds can be very generic. Very Breakfast oriented, etc.”
Client: “We want every single upper case letter removed from the site and replaced with all lower case.”
Me: “Okay, that’s a lot of work. There are dozens, probably hundreds of instances of upper case letters on the site. Unfortunately, we’ll have to bill you for this.”
Client: “That’s fine.”
Me: “Can I ask why you only want lower case...
Client: “The website you designed looks great but my partner is here and she’s looking at it from across the room and it’s a bit difficult to read.”
Me: “From across the room?”
Client: “It looks better from across the table, but go ahead and take a look at what you can do to fix the issue.”
“Can’t you just call Annie Leibovitz to shoot this portrait for, like, her...”
“Round off all of the rectangles — this needs to be kid friendly.”
“Can you change the font to something kinda funky? It has to be funky.”
“You can’t come over to help me with this website thing until the PC guy comes to...”
My first phone conversation with a new client:
Client: ”I love your rough concept! And your estimate’s very reasonable, too — oh, I’m so glad I found you. I’ll be the best client ever, I promise!”
Me: ”Great! Glad you like it.”
Client: ”Do you want to have babies?”
Me: “Pardon?”
Client: ”A friend of mine’s...
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“We really love your portfolio and have decided to add you to our shortlist for...”
Client: “Look, we have to keep this simple. There should be a big red button for them to click on and then a list of directions to follow. Make it simple.”
Me: “Directions? Directions for what?”
Client: “On how to use the big red button.”
Me: “Now, double-click on the little icon that says Internet Explorer.”
Client: “I can’t do that. I’m Christian. I don’t believe in icons.”
Me: “Fine then. Double-click on the little image that says Internet Explorer.”
Client: “Okay.”
Client: “I really need the site to be more immersive.”
Me: “Okay. Have you played around with the live chat function that I implemented?”
Client: “Hmm… Yes, I played with that. It’s really great, but I really want the client to be sort of ‘sucked in’ to the site.
[Thoughtful Pause]
..Kind of like the little girl in Poltergeist.”
Me: “Here are the designs, and, with your approval, we’ll code them and put them up in a couple of days.”
Client: “Why aren’t they up now?”
Me: “We require client approval before we put up the final product, in order to make any changes.”
Client: “I wanted it up yesterday.”
Me: “Well, this is the first time that we’ve had...
“It’s a poo fetish website. But it needs to be classy.”
Me: “Okay, let’s start from the beginning. Is your computer’s power cable plugged in?”
Client: “Yes.”
Me: “What is it plugged in to?”
Client: “The power strip.”
Me: “Is the power strip on?”
Client: “Yes. It is in the on position, but no lights are lit up.”
Me: “What is the power strip plugged in...
“What do I put in for the fields ‘Enter Your Name’ and ‘Enter Your Email’?”
“With Christmas right around the corner, I thought you should know that my last...”
Me: “The password is ‘123456’.”
Client: “Upper or lower case?”
Client: “I want you to add these animated gifs to the website. They will look great.”
Me: You do know that this is bad for your reputation?”
Client: “Add them, now. Our website must look ‘alive’.”
Client: “Yes but it’s not moving when I move the mouse. I’m using a mousepad and everything!”
Me: “Look underneath the mouse. Does it have a ball or a light?”
Client: “Underneath? The ball is on top!”
Me: “Please turn the mouse right-side-up, so the ball is facing the ground.”
“I want you to design me something that will make people horny when they look at...”
“I bought some photos of my dog. I want him to ride across the website on a...”
Me: “Okay, so here are some rough concepts I’ve worked up. Once you’ve -“
Client (interrupting): “What the hell am I looking at? These look like scribbles my five-year-old could do.”
Me: “Oh, they’re just roughs to get the concept figured out, once we have that done I’ll begin work on the finished piece.”
Client: “How am I...
Client: “So here’s the deal: my company has just given me $7,000 to spend on this project, but since you only charged us $3500, why don’t you just write me a receipt for $7,000 and I’ll give you back the difference and manage the rest of the money myself.”
Me: “I don’t know, that doesn’t seem right. Is there anyway I can deal with your employer...
“You did such a great job that I am going to refer you some business. Contact my...”
“I want the text to grab you by the face.”
Client: ”The site is looking great! However, I’m a bit confused. I thought you said the design was done.”
Me: ”Yep, the ‘visual’ design is complete. Was there something bothering you about it?” Client: ”Oh no! The design is great, everyone loves it! However, it doesn’t seem to be finished. There are a bunch of pages that look...
Client: ”How much do you charge to install Windows on a computer?”
Me: “$85”
Client: ”Is it going to be legal?”
Me: ”Yes.”
Client: “How much do you charge for a pirated copy?”
Me: ”$10,000 or 10 years in prison.”
Excerpt of feedback regarding illustrations for a children’s alphabet book featuring animals.
“How about making the sun a little bigger on the swans. What do you think about discreet genitals on the unicorn?”
“It’s kinda the same idea as facebook, with functionality more like...”
Client: “I want there to be a noise here so people know it’s funny, like a record scratch!”
Me: “Okay, but record scratches are kind of corny and totally 90’s. How about anything else that would have the same effect?”
Client: “No. It needs to be a record scratch. Record scratches are timeless.”
Client: A contact has a friend thats tight with Google so he’ll get us to the top ranking.
Me: I don’t think it works like that.
Client: Don’t worry, we have it covered. My friend’s friend is tight with that Zakenburger kid from Myspace.
“It’s not clear what the user should do with the check box.”
While developing an affiliate website for one of our mobile network clients, my employer came over and reviewed the site we were building.
Boss: “I think we need to have some sort of avatar on the home page, to welcome the users to the site.” Me: “Okay, no problem. Was there anything you had in mind?” Boss: “Well since sex sells, I would like to have a slim, sexy...
Client: “Would you like to design a website for my daughter? She started her own company and I’m very proud of her.”
Me: “That’s very nice of you, what kind of company is it?”
Client: “She mows lawns in our neighborhood.”
Client: “Don’t use sky blue as a background color, we don’t like it. I assume you did this is because of a ‘feel good factor’.”
Me: “Don’t you want your customers to feel good?”
Client: “That’s not essential as long as they spend their money.”
“Maybe if you get bored, turn off the xbox this weekend and throw 20-40 hours our...”
Me: “Did you get the files I sent you?”
Client: “Yes, but they were huge!”
Me: “The files I sent you were well under the limit of something you could email.”
Client: “They were 122 mega bitmaps each.”
Me: ”They were both a little over 1MB, which is a fairly small file.”
Client: “I don’t care how many megabytes they were....
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Me: “Well sir, the total for your new logo, business cards and menu designs is $350.”
Client: “Are you kidding me? The reason I chose a student designer was to get something cheap, plus help you out for your portfolio. I could have went to a professional and paid much less.”
Me: “Um, that’s not true. I spent a lot of time dealing with your daughter who...
Client: “This fax machine isn’t working properly.”
Me: “How so?”
Client: “Every time I put the paper in the one side and press ‘Send’ it comes right out the other side.”
Me: “How do you mean?”
Client: “Well, it’s not sending.”
Me: “Well, it doesn’t actually send the physical page, just a digital...
Client: “What is going on with my website? It looks all wrong!”
Me: “It was working just fine yesterday, let’s take a look.”
Us: “Let’s take a look… (We download a page, check out the code). Well, it looks as if someone’s gone in and deleted some of the code that makes the site work.”
Client: “Yeah, that was me, I was getting rid...
Client: “I take it, since I haven’t heard from you, that you are not interested in building my website.”
Me: “I told you I wasn’t interested when I left your office. I can’t imagine why you expected to hear from me.”
Client: “Well, have you changed your mind about working on it?”
Me: “Have you changed your mind about wanting me to do...
Client: The draft looks great. However, since we are marketing this website to college age students, it is important that the background changes all the time. At least once a week, so that they don’t get bored. College students love the internet, y’know? They expect something new every time they visit a website. It should switch to things like a blackboard, laptop, desk.. things like...
“I don’t want to print my brochure in CMYK, because it is more expensive...”
More work, I promise.
Client: It was my mum’s 60th at the weekend and I filmed two hours of party footage and vox pops of my family sending her best wishes. I want you to turn in into a 10-15 minute video, I’ll give you £30.
Me: That’s nowhere near enough for my time. [I usually do 2-3 nightclub promos for £100].
Client: Yeah but it’s a present for my mum so I can’t afford to pay as...
Me: “If you could send me a check or use Paypal, that’d be great.”
Client: “Well, I don’t really trust Paypal or like mailing checks out. Can you come pick it up in person?”
Me: “We’re 4 states apart and it’s a 12 hour drive…”
Client: “It’s a nice drive though! You’ll like it, I promise. See you...