July 2010
53 posts
June 2010
57 posts
“The shaded areas reflect areas we don’t have service and the light areas...”
Client: “The designer will make no decisions regarding this site’s design! Where was the designer while I raising money for this venture?!”
Me: “Art school?”
“We’re not Jewish but we’re Jews, if you know what I mean.”
Boss charges into my office furiously, two days after the company site goes live.
Boss: “Carl just showed me that people can right-click our site and view all our code.”
Me: “Well, yes, that’s how web browsers work.”
Boss: “Take the whole thing down, now! I’ll be damned if I’m going to give our competitors all our god-damn code!”
Client: “I want a way to track all the people that come to my site. Names, addresses, telephone numbers and cell phone.”
Us: “Well, there are some tools to capture visitor information but not to that level unless the viewer supplies that to you. They would have to register at the site and that kills page views.”
Client: “I don’t know why this is so fucking...
The Coupon Puzzle
Client: “I have patented an exciting new marketing technique, the [Coupon Puzzle]. Consumers will receive envelopes with puzzle pieces that they will have to assemble to find out what the coupon is. Have you ever designed a puzzle before?”
Me: “I can’t say that I have, but it shouldn’t be a problem. Can you give me specifics on the file set-up from your printing...
Me: “Could you please provide us with details of what elements you would like to be included on the homepage so our designers know what they need to include.”
Client: “Sure, the site needs to be Professional, Clean/Crisp, Global, Proactive, Eco-Friendly and Dynamic. Hope that helps!”
Client: “How about we pay you in free alcohol?”
Me: “Only if I can make your poster out of macaroni noodles.”
“I had an absolutely horrible thought this evening while I was working on the...”
“Left click? But the mouse is in my right hand….”
Client: “We want out home page to be very minimalistic. We like lots of white space, and only the most important elements. It should look like Google - basically, a logo and one or two other important things.” Me: “Great! In that case, what would you consider to be the one or two most important things?” Client: “Rotating article carousel, dropdown menus, power...
We are currently looking to add some great stories to our upcoming book! If you would like to potentially get a story published, please send in you terrifying/hilarious stories about clients:
Making innapropriate or awkward advances
Throwing temper tantrums
Who have lashed out at you in public
Who have offended you with racist/homophobic/sexist remarks
Client: “Whats your fees to do this template?”
Me: “$40 per hour.”
Client: “Thats steep. How do I know you won’t bill me for extra hours.”
Me: “If you want to be sure you can come and watch.”
Client: “No wiseguy, give me a call whenever you start working on it and whenever you take breaks. I will keep count of the hours.”
Client: “We’d like you to make the About Us and Why Buy From Us pages password protected and only viewable by people who have signed up.”
Me: “But how will people know if they want to sign up if they don’t know anything about you or your service?”
Client: “Look, we don’t want any tire kickers.”
“I think that since I already paid you a 50% deposit, I’m going to test run my...”
Me: “Good afternoon, we’ve noticed that you haven’t paid the entire amount due on your bill.”
Client: ”We haven’t received an invoice.”
Me: ”Then how did a check show up with the invoice number on it in the memo field? We appreciate the timely payment, but it’s about 75 dollars short of the payment due.”
Client: ”You know this is...
Designed a simple web banner for their etsy shop and a few days later…
Client: “The banner looks terrible its all fuzzy and you cant read it.”
Me: “Thats odd because Im looking at your etsy shop now and it looks great.”
Client: ”No not that one, I also had it printed into a 1.5 meter long banner to hang over my stall at the market. Looks horrible!”
Client: I know you creative guys sometimes need “inspiration.” I really want my project to go well so I will get you the kind of inspiration you need, OK? Free of charge.
[It was revealed later in the meeting that he was suggesting that he would supply our designers with marijuana.]
Client: “How come all the photos I took have the heads cut off?”
Me: “Hmm, Did you look though the view finder when you took them?”
Client: “I don’t know what that is. Can’t you just move the picture up so I can see their heads? I mean they’re digital pictures?”
[From an unsolicited e-mail looking for a free illustrator]
“Take this letter very seriously. Imagine that George Lucas or Todd McFarlain just emailed you and you now have the chance to
collaborate with one of the most gifted artists of all time. Seriously
. Think about that. You could be responsible for helping to create the next great american novel.”
The enclosed script synopsis...
“Also, I will pay you when my website becomes popular like Facebook. For now, you...”
Setting up the final, complex shot of a broadcast music video where the camera moves almost 50 feet side to side on a crane.
Me: ”Alright, let’s move the crane in, calibrate the remote head and focus unit, and get the rest of the lighting set up for this last shot.”
Producers: “We figured you wouldn’t need the crane, but we have a ladder.”
“We have a really tight budget on this project so whatever you can do to cut...”
Client: I showed this logo to my daughter and she didn’t like it.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Client: Five.
Me: But your target audience is recovering drug addicts.
Client: Right.
Client: “That’s way too much money to charge for an email campaign. It’s not hard to put a few graphics in an email.” Me: “I charge based off of my regular hourly rate and that’s how long it will take to complete the project.” Client: “Forget it. We’ll just do it in house. We have a copy of Dreamweaver.” [Phone call 2 weeks later] Client:...
A Cautionary Tale
I’m sure none of you are strangers to being asked to do favours for friends and family. I’m here to tell you that while there’s nothing wrong with doing a favour for someone you love now and then, always draw up a contract and terms of service, no matter how small or minimal the project. I don’t care if you’re doing it for free - make them sign a contract. In this...
Make Them Disappear
[Phone conversation with a client concerning a corporate animation.]
Client: “We don’t want people to think that everyone using our service is black. Can you make most of the people white?”
Me: “They are stick figures, I don’t think there’s going to be any racial profiling.”
Client: “Well you’re using black lines for all of them. We want to...
Me: “Lets talk about color first, do you have any colors in mind?”
Client: “Well I like corvettes and the movie Somethings Got to Give”
Client: “I need you to redesign the shirts you made for me to attract only $100,000 + clients.”
Me: “In the original meeting you said these were to be shirts for your employees to wear at work. Are we still talking about the same thing?”
Client: “Yes, well… I only do business with those corporate types.”
Me: “What type of shirts do $100,000+...
Client: “So I’m thinking that for the navigation we should have a guy with a dog head, kind of like one of those dog butlers, come dancing out and start tossing letters around. These letters can then form the site navigation buttons!”
Me: “To sell real estate?”
Does God have a phone number?
Me: “The database is messed up. What’s the server log on?”
Client: “What do you mean?”
Me: “I mean I need access to the server.”
Client: “I don’t know how to do that.”
Me: “Who set it up?”
Client: “I’m not sure.”
Me: “Who owns the server?”
Client: “God.”
“Let’s get together and figure out a way for you to work more hours for less...”
[At our initial meeting with the client]
Client: “When can you have the website live?”
Me: “Well, looking at our calendar and available dates, I think we should have it completed no later than the 8th of June.”
Client: “Okay, well that’s too late - we definitely need the website live by the end of May.”
Me: “Well, today is Friday and the last...
Me: “And what version of Windows are you using?”
He: “Look, pal. I know two things about this fucking computer. I paid a lot of fucking money for it, and it doesn’t fucking work.”
[When dealing with a rehabilitation charity]
Client: “We love the design. And we know that you said that using a butterfly was a bit obvious but we think what you’ve done perfectly represents the process that our clients go through.”
Me: “Thank you, that’s really good. We’re pleased you like it.”
Client: “..but, some of our clients find the...
Client: “I decided I want one of the illustrations you already did for my logo and I am going to use it for the background on my checks.”
Me: “A logo is usually a simple graphic used to represent your business, in your case, the book series and characters. The illustrations are a bit too detailed for that purpose. How about I simplify the characters and series title and create...
Why I love Craigslist
Hi. I own some websites. I have ads on these websites. I need some quality clickers to click the links on these websites (ads). I am looking for people to click 1 hour, 3 times, for one week. Then I will determine if I want to repeat what I just said. For doing this gig the compensation will be a coffee or tea or soda at Starbucks or Pete’s coffee and $10 dollars. I will be with you because...
Logic
Client: “Web designer seems like a sweet job.”
Me: “Yeah, it’s great.”
Client: “You probably love it so much that you would do it even you didn’t get payed!”
Me: “Uhm…”
Client: “Great! So I don’t have to pay you?”
We got a call at home at 11 pm from a client whose website had been crippled by malware. He was extremely upset that the website needed to be rebuilt from scratch, and refused to understand why it was necessary. Then he suddenly stopped ranting and said:
“You know what, I don’t have time for this. I have to go fuck this prostitute. I’ll call you later.”
Client: ”Good God! Is this website going to be made of gold or something?”
Me: ”Ahh, no. Is there something wrong with the design?”
Client: ”No, its the price! We are a charity! You can’t make charities pay for things. You’re suppose to give them to us for free!”
CEO: ”Hi Michael, we wanted to talk to you in person (over the phone) to resolve the question of payment.”
Me: “OK.”
CEO: ”Let’s forget all of the stuff that has gone on in the past with this project. Let me put {Accountant) on the phone.”
Accountant: ”What we’d like to do is offer to pay $XXX for the project. Based on what you billed us we...
“I need you to get me a picture of a black guys mouth and add gold to all his...”
This conversation occurred after receiving a retainer check that was short $1000 from the agreed upon amount, and had a post-it stuck to it informing me that they had decided to pay me in cash.
Client: We decided to pay you in cash, which means that we can have a 20% - 30% discount on your services.
Me: How so?
Client: Well, since you won’t report the income, that will save you money. ...
The client sent me a 30+MB file that my mail server could not support. I suggested he send the file via You Send It.
Client: I have not had time to do that.
I must say, I find it very strange that you don’t have the equipment to open a simple picture. How can I be trusting you with my website, when you don’t have the ability to even open and post a picture? I’m very confused by this. Also, I...
“I’d like to see more earth-tones, but not browns. Perhaps a shade of caramel?”
After a long and exhaustive feedback session where little was said and much was contradicted, the client closed with this:
“Just be an artist.”
“I want this logo to be really elegant and IN YOUR FACE, you know what I mean?”