May 2010
Funded by litigation?
After spending an hour and a half with the client discussing features, functions and considerations for their new website and the myriad of issues with their old website, I asked the question:
Me: “So how do you intend to fund this new website seeing as you are not generating any revenue from the current site?”
Client: “Oh I don’t have any money! So my old web developer...
Past Due "Loan
Me: “Your invoice is nearly 90 days past due.”
Agency: “We’ll pay you when the client pays us. Stop asking for loans! We’re not a bank!”
“If you want more than a dollar an hour, don’t bother applying for this job.”
Back story: this was a redesign to add a product directory to a magazine website.
Client: ”I want you to bury all the links for the magazine at the bottom of the page.”
Me: “Wait, you don’t want them in the nav bar? At all?”
Client: “No, I want the product guide to be the only thing that matters.”
Me: ”What happens if someone comes to the site to...
Marketing people in Germany like to use the English language to give products or events an appearance of internationalism and modernity - even if their own language skills are somewhat lacking. A new client asked me to create promotional material for a camping trip on which the participants will meditate, focus on their inner strength blabla. Her naming idea was (in English of course)...
Client: “I studied design, so basically I know what I want.”
Me: “Sure, now what do you want exactly?”
Client: “Your the designer, you come up with the idea, but for your sake, it better match up with my idea.”
Me: [Astonished Silence]
Title of a craigslist post:
“TALENTED AND HORNY ILLUSTRATORS”
“Before we start to work, can you please sent a picture of you? We want to work...”
Animation takes time
To sum this up; I found a Cragslist ad that a company that just started was looking for an animation to do a pitch animation for their small company to pitch to PBS for kids with autism.
Client: “We have this great idea to do an animation for a children educational television show for kids with autism so that kids and parents know how to properly deal with the behavior. We need you to do...
Client: “I want a great corporate logo that looks like a Fortune 500 company’s logo.”
Me: “Okay, I can do that. I bill at $XX an hour.”
Client: “Well I guess just don’t spend more than a few minutes on it.”
Client: “Hi, I’d like you to design a website for me, but I need to borrow some money from you.”
Me: ”Ok, but what for?”
Client: ”I need to pay the money I owe to the last designer I hired.”
Another red flag
During a job interview.
Employer: “What sign are you?”
Me: “…Virgo, why?”
Employer: “I think we will work well together”
“That’s good! I like that! Write that down.”
Client proceeds to tap incessantly on my notepad until I write it down.
“Lime Green instead of regular. As ninja turtle bright as possible.”
Mid-way through a project after 3 months with no contact from the client due to him being off work on sick-leave.
Client: ”Ok let’s get this site finished!”
Me: ”Sure, I’m fully booked at the moment but I’d be happy to book you in for the end of next month.”
Client: ”What are you talking about? Let’s get this done by Friday!”
...
Client: “I would like to have our home page come up with some information in a hockey puck that flies around the screen. I’d like the user to have to chase the puck with a hockey stick for a cursor and whack it to let them in the site.”
Me: “I’m going to do everything in my power to talk you out of doing that.”
April 2010
Client: ”When this gets printed, what sort of colors get mixed together?”
Me: “Well, anything that gets printed is basically a combination of black, yellow, cyan, and magenta ink or toner…”
Client: “That’s unacceptable! I’m printing these for boys, not girls. Magenta is a girls color. Take the magenta out of your printers and replace it with red....
“Can we articulate the idea of the nexus of conversation a little bit more...”
Client: “Sorry to cancel at the last minute, but we felt your contract was just… too legal.”
Me: “Well, I should hope so… what exactly was the problem?”
Client: “I mean it’s not very flexible - you ask for payment on such and such a date with this 5% monthly penalty if we don’t make it… it’s all just too legal.”
Client: “What’s that paint software you are using at the moment”
Me: “It’s called Photoshop CS4, and it’s more than just some paint software!”
Client: “Could you make me a copy of it for my 6 year old son to mess around on? He does likes painting”
Me: “Er… no, that’s piracy and it’s licenced to me and my company”
Client: “I’ll provide you with a...
