“Can we change the font on Saturated Fat and Sodium to something more exciting? We need people to have a positive feeling about them. And while you are at it, lets put the percentages in little stars so they think it’s a good thing that they are so high.”—
Client: Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?
Me: I use a MAC.
Client: That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.
Me: No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.
Client: I am a Christian and Apple products are sinful, I do not want our website to be created by a product made by this corrupt group. You need only look at their logo, an apple with a bite taken from it. Do you not know the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? If I allowed you to create my website on a MAC I would be just like Adam, taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.
"Take my advise, destroy your mac and repent for when judgement day comes. It shall be you who is cast to hell for your sins."
When designing a website for a client, the client initially expressed that he wanted to use Burgundy.
Client: This isn’t right. You know the color blood red?
Me: Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about.
Client: Yeah, I love blood red. I want the logo to look like that. Do you know what it would look like if you took a paintbrush and dipped it in blood, and smeared it downwards? How the blood would be darkest in the center, and there would be splatters of blood and lighter shades of blood around it?
Me: You want a gradient?
Client: No, I want it to look like the blood of all our victims.
Me: I’m sorry, what?
Client: You know, from all the bugs we’ve terminated.
I need a php programmer to make a website for my cat. My cat has win many awards, it is very nice cat. I can send you some pictures of it. This will be for your portfolio. There is no pay but if you like cats you will love to do this project for my cat. My cat was on a tv show for cats who like to use toilet and he flush. People will always like to come and see this website, you can get a lot of xposures!
In December of 2009, Clients From Hell exploded as a cult phenomena of the design industry. Compiled in book form for the first time, this collection brings together the original and hilarious posts that made the blog a hit. On sale this summer via ChannelV Books More details to come.
I want a very uniqe bussniess card made im thinking all black with a unicorn on her hind legs and purple writeing showing my business name and my easy link with words saying "hand made crafts"
I want to see samples of what u made so i cAn decide if your good enough. If u like u can put ur name on the business card to. But in small print. I do not want to pay a lot of money for this. So please start small.
“We don’t need you to do our promotional campaigns anymore. We’ve just bought InDesign and someone’s coming in to do a two-hour workshop on how to use it. We’ll be able to handle all the design ourselves from now on. We might give you the odd phone call for a bit of advice here and there — you won’t mind will you?”—
“Yes, but those are red energy days, Mars is in retrograde and there is a full Moon. how about the following Tuesday or actually May 12th, its green days through the rest of the month. Maybe I’ll wait three more weeks for a guaranteed good outcome?”—
Me: ”Your employees are saying they can’t get on the internet.”
Client: ”Did they restart?”
Me: ”Yes, but the problem is the wireless is not connected to the internet. Did you change something?”
Client: ”Oh, yeah you have to plug them in to ethernets. I turned the wireless off because someone could hack into our wireless.”
Me: ”We use 256-bit encryption, that’s not possible. Anyway, you didn’t pay the guy that wired the place, so he never terminated most of the cables.”
Client: ”Just go terminate it and connect it to the server.”
Me: ”I’m a programmer, not a networker, and I don’t have the equipment to tone and terminate. Besides, we couldn’t find those cables, which is the reason we put them on the wireless anyway. And you don’t connect the ethernet to the server.”
Client: ”Whatever, just figure it out. We can’t have people hacking our wireless.”
Me: ”So really, you want to block someone from sitting in the parking lot and using the internet, blocking your employees from working in the process?”
Client: ”Someone hacked my wireless at home.”
Me: ”Now we’re getting to the root of the problem.”
Me: ”Great! Best of luck with it! I sent you the invoice. We did more than what we had agreed to and did not charge you for it.”
Client: ”Yes, and as soon as I get your expenses, I will pay you.”
Me: ”What do you mean by our expenses?”
Client: ”Well, I need to get what you paid for materials, etc. so I know if what you are charging me is fair.”
Me: ”But we agreed to a price and you agreed to it and thought it was fair, we delivered more than the price we agreed to and you love it? I’m not going to give you what we paid for materials, printing, etc? When you go to a restaurant and order a meal and eat it, do you ask for the price of the lobster and ingredients when the bill comes before you’ll pay?”
Client: ”What I do or do not do in restaurants is not relevant. First of all, I never order lobster. Second, you don’t understand how business works. You really need to understand business better. I won’t pay until I see what your costs were.”
Client: “We’re not happy with the website design anymore. We’ve paid you the 50% of the total cost, so please send us all the files you’ve done up until now, and we’ll find someone else to do our website.”
Me: “But the only thing left to do is insert the text content that I’ve been waiting on you for since last month. It’ll take 20 minutes to finish the site after you give it to me.”
Client: “Well, we don’t like the design anymore, so send us the files you created.”
Me: “If you don’t like the design, why do you want the files?”
Client: “We paid you for them already.”
Me: “No. You paid me half for them already. I’ll take off $XX for not having to put the content in, but you owe me the rest of the money.”
Client: “You need to learn how to run a business. You fucking kids don’t know anything, and just want to rip all us honest business people off.”
“So it turns out you were right about me wanting a colon instead of a semi-colon. But since we’re on the subject, I’d like you to revisit the copy and include more semi-colons. I want people to think we’re smart.”—
Me: Hi. I was wondering if you received the invoices I sent, we are going on almost 4 months. I know it’s only $200, but if you could pay it, we’d appreciate it.
Client: “Yes, I received it but I am not going to pay it yet.”
Me: “Why is that? Was there a problem?”
Client: “No, well I do not need to use it yet so I will pay you when I need to use it.”
Me: "Listen, I really need you to pay the invoice. Our terms are due upon receipt as we discussed."
Client: “I am not sure when I will need to start using the design you did, but when I do I will pay you don’t worry.”
Me: “Yeah, well, we did the work and we need to get paid regardless of when or if you use it. If a plumber fixes your toilet you don’t tell them you will pay them as soon as you need to go to the bathroom do you?”
Client: “That’s disgusting! My bathroom habits are none of your business and as soon as I use what you sent me you will get paid.”
Me: ”This oversise 6 x 12 feet poster is going to be located in the Tourist Information Center just 3 blocks away from your shopping mall. I strongly suggest we add your address on it so that people know where to find you.”
Client: “I don’t want our address in. If people want to find us, they’ll just have to look for us.”
Client: ”So I just wrote my first post on the blog you made for us. Can you publish it to all RSS feeds?”
Me: ”Do you mean publish it to your RSS feed? Because that happens automatically.”
Client: ”No, I mean ALL RSS feeds. Like every one on the internet.”
Me: ”That’s not possible.”
Client: ”Yes it is, I read an article about how RSS is the equivalent of newspapers on the internet, so if I post something everyone on the internet should see it, just like everyone reading a newspaper would see the front page.”
Me: ”Er… that’s not really true, that’s not how RSS works.”
Client: ”Well then this whole “blog” thing isn’t what I paid you to do, then, is it?”
Underpaying designers just isn’t offensive enough anymore.
“Looking for an edgy, hip logo for our art event to debut spring 2011 in Atlanta. To enter the contest you pay $10.00, submit your design and if we choose your design you will win $100.00 plus VIP admission to the show!”
k so we want album work done,just a cover fpr a cd and of course a logo on it we are releasing an E.P that is we are pying about $2000 for and we want it to be superb.. we want it to be really super cool and epic. detailed and precise our budget.. we will discuss it. we want an angelic demon hybrid, holding a very hot and innocent, dead, sort of cut up but not mutilated young woman in the air as if the demon had just conquered her. in the back round we want to have a massacred old feudal village with a church on top of a hill long abandoned and some mutilated people scattered around the village.and a dark purple sky with clouds. the ground should be swampy and have boney hands of corpses popping out as if trying to reach the mistress.our logo should be readable, the most insanely cool and epic think that you can think of and dimensional with perspective.. you can play with it until it looks good to you. totaly metal. make it fucking rad as hell, seriously we are paying alot for this thing to get cut so please fucking rip up the screen with this.. give us some ideas about cost. we are going to pay practicaly as soon as we here from you..
I ask for 50 percent up-front payment on all projects. A client argued with me that it was not possible for him to make said up-front payment because he didn’t want to be bamboozled in the event I took the money and ran without doing work.
Me: ”I will create a login box on your website. Once someone registers and logs in, the website will recognize who the user is and provide relevant content.”
Client: ”That sounds great. However, instead of a login box I’d like to use biometrics to identify the user.”
Me: ”Not sure what you mean.”
Client: ”When someone visits the website, I want them to be able to put their hand on the monitor. The monitor will then scan their hand to confirm who they are. I think that would be a lot more engaging. How much extra would that functionality cost?”
Me: ”Several hundred million dollars.”
Client: Why are you being a wiseass? Can you do it or not?