May 2010
65 posts
“Can we change the font on Saturated Fat and Sodium to something more exciting?...”
Client: ”Your rates are too high! I’ll do the design myself, and then you can do the implementation.”
Me: ”Okay, that’s fine, just send me the files when you’re finished.”
Client: ”Just one question- how many centimeters is a pixel?”
Really good medicine
“I need someone who can build me a really kick ass looking website in exchange for some really good medicine. Email for more details.”
[Verbatim Ad from Craigslist]
The Forbidden Fruit
Client: Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?
Me: I use a MAC.
Client: That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.
Me: No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.
Client: I am a Christian and Apple products are sinful, I do not want our website to be...
When designing a website for a client, the client initially expressed that he wanted to use Burgundy.
Client: This isn’t right. You know the color blood red?
Me: Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about.
Client: Yeah, I love blood red. I want the logo to look like that. Do you know what it would look like if you took a paintbrush and dipped it in blood, and smeared it...
“So I have this table here in the document, I was hoping you could graphisize it...”
“You design our marketing campaign, we give you 5 kilo bag of Basmati rice.”
Client: “On that map of Maryland graphic… can you get rid of that jaggy thing? My client doesn’t like that.”
Me: “Uhh, that’s the Chesapeake Bay.”
Client: “I don’t think it’s part of Maryland, plus it’s annoying so delete it.”
Me: “Yeah, it’s definitely part of Maryland.”
Client: “I still...
“I said that to be confusing to show you that clarity is crucial.”
Cat Lover Wanted
I need a php programmer to make a website for my cat. My cat has win many awards, it is very nice cat. I can send you some pictures of it. This will be for your portfolio. There is no pay but if you like cats you will love to do this project for my cat. My cat was on a tv show for cats who like to use toilet and he flush. People will always like to come and see this website, you can get a lot of...
Coming This Summer: Clients From Hell, the Book!
In December of 2009, Clients From Hell exploded as a cult phenomena of the design industry. Compiled in book form for the first time, this collection brings together the original and hilarious posts that made the blog a hit. On sale this summer via ChannelV Books More details to come.
Etsy Poetry
I want a very uniqe bussniess card made im thinking all black with a unicorn on her hind legs and purple writeing showing my business name and my easy link with words saying “hand made crafts” I want to see samples of what u made so i cAn decide if your good enough. If u like u can put ur name on the business card to. But in small print. I do not want to pay a lot of money for this. So...
Me: So, including [multiple project specifics], this project will run about $XXX.
Client: That’s way too much! I can find someone on Craigslist to do it for 1/10th that.
Client: This is a really easy job. It shouldn’t take more than an hour or two if you know what you’re doing. There’s no reason to try to rip me off. I’ll pay you $X.
Me: I’m sorry,...
“We don’t need you to do our promotional campaigns anymore. We’ve...”
Client: ”I was thinking that I could pay you in Groceries.”
Me: (Laughter) “You’re joking right?”
Client: ”I don’t see what is so hilarious here sir.”
Me: ”I apologize, honestly sir, that is one of the most ridiculous methods of payment I have ever heard.”
Client: ”Really? I think it is quite sane.”
Me: ”Well, are you...
“Yes, but those are red energy days, Mars is in retrograde and there is a full...”
“I hate blogs. Blogs are for angry people who are sitting at their computer with...”
“I need some changes to the magazine ad you designed last year. Can I just buy...”
Client: ”Can you make the ‘About Us’ link say ‘About Us - Everyone welcome’?”
Me: “Sure, but…why?”
Client: ”I’m afraid people might not know they’re allowed to click that link. They might think it’s private. We need them to know it’s okay for them to go there.”
Me: ”But none of the links on your...
Phone call at 8 in the morning.
Client: ”I’m very disappointed in you not responding to my urgent emails! I flagged them URGENT!”
Me: “Uh, we’re technically not open for another half hour, what time did you send the emails?”
Client: ”Around 3am! I’ve been waiting FIVE HOURS for you to respond! You’re hardly treating it as urgent!”
After developing a short animation piece for a client, I send them an invoice for $800. I originally gave the client an estimate of $750.
Client: “I have a problem with this invoice. I agreed to $750; this is for $800.”
Me: “Perhaps, but I gave you an estimate, not a quote.”
Client: “We’ll have to talk about this.”
Me: “I told you the cost would...
Me: ”Your employees are saying they can’t get on the internet.”
Client: ”Did they restart?”
Me: ”Yes, but the problem is the wireless is not connected to the internet. Did you change something?”
Client: ”Oh, yeah you have to plug them in to ethernets. I turned the wireless off because someone could hack into our wireless.”
Me: ”We use...
Client: ”Why does the eblast print in black-and-white?”
Me: ”Are you using a black-and-white printer?”
Client: ”Yes.”
Me: ”That’ll cost $200.”
Client: ”Could we give you half and pay the rest in alcohol? We make some ourselves!”
Me: ”Uhh, no, that’s okay. I, uhh, don’t really drink. Money will be fine.”
From a call I just had with a client:
“White people are the majority so it should be all white people on the homepage”
Client: ”I love the job you did! Thanks so much!”
Me: ”Great! Best of luck with it! I sent you the invoice. We did more than what we had agreed to and did not charge you for it.”
Client: ”Yes, and as soon as I get your expenses, I will pay you.”
Me: ”What do you mean by our expenses?”
Client: ”Well, I need to get what you paid for...
“Please be sure to print the cover and the table of contents at the front of the book, then after the table of contents print the chapters in this order: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16”
As told by an old school film editor, from the days when they actually handled film:
Client: ”What is your rate?”
Me: ”$50 per hour.”
Client: ”Can I come watch you?”
Me: ”Sure, for $100/hour.”
Client: ”What if I help you?”
Me: ”That would be $400 per hour.”
"You know, with the economy and all..."
Me: “That’ll be $210.00.”
Client: “I’ve decided I want to pay you less.”
Me: “But this is the price we agreed upon.”
Client: “I just decided I don’t want to pay you that much after all.”
Me: “Here’s the invoice for £400, thanks” Client: “Ok, thanks.” Three Days Later…
Me: “You only paid £300, I think you probably made a mistake?” Client: “I know, I gave myself a discount.” Me: “I never gave a discount?” Client: “Well, we won’t be using the design anyway.” Me: “Please complete the...
Client: “The cost is very high, we can save costs by getting our guy to design it.” Web designer: “That’s possible, would save some amount of money.” Client: “Yeah, he’s an illustrator but I am sure he can do web-design, it’s all the same art stuff anyway.”
Client: “We’re not happy with the website design anymore. We’ve paid you the 50% of the total cost, so please send us all the files you’ve done up until now, and we’ll find someone else to do our website.”
Me: “But the only thing left to do is insert the text content that I’ve been waiting on you for since last month. It’ll take 20 minutes to...
Let’s call them “Cool Shapes”, but let’s spell cool with a Q. I think the client would really respond to that.
Client: “I need these post cards designed and printed in time for the Super Bowl.”
Me: “The Super Bowl is in two days.”
Client: “I know.”
Me: “My printer will take up to 8 days.”
Client: “I have someone local who can do it in two hours.”
Me: “Great, here are your source files.”
[Two Weeks Later]
Client: “Why...
“So it turns out you were right about me wanting a colon instead of a semi-colon....”
Me: “The Typeface we set the headlines in is Bodoni.”
Client: “It doesn’t look very readable.”
Me: “Well it’s set 18 point and has been used as a face for over 200 years. It’s known for it’s legibility.”
Client: “You can’t fool me, fonts didn’t exist back then!”
“Could you make the page more fun? You, know, more erm…. fun. Maybe add a picture of John Cleese making a funny face”
Me: Hi. I was wondering if you received the invoices I sent, we are going on almost 4 months. I know it’s only $200, but if you could pay it, we’d appreciate it.
Client: “Yes, I received it but I am not going to pay it yet.”
Me: “Why is that? Was there a problem?”
Client: “No, well I do not need to use it yet so I will pay you when I need to use it.”
Me:...
“No…that’s not right. That color is too chocolate. It needs to be the color of...”
Punctuation for advanced learners
I proofread a book for a client. Before we started going through the corrections, my client asked me if I found any mistakes. I said that there’s no page without, basically comma mistakes.
Client: “Oh my god, I don’t believe in comma rules! Who is it to tell me where to put commas?! …. Well, ok, let’s start. But if I have the feeling that a comma is right, we leave...
Me: ”This oversise 6 x 12 feet poster is going to be located in the Tourist Information Center just 3 blocks away from your shopping mall. I strongly suggest we add your address on it so that people know where to find you.”
Client: “I don’t want our address in. If people want to find us, they’ll just have to look for us.”
“We need you to merge modern traditionalist taste with the interests of an...”
All RSS Feeds
Client: ”So I just wrote my first post on the blog you made for us. Can you publish it to all RSS feeds?”
Me: ”Do you mean publish it to your RSS feed? Because that happens automatically.”
Client: ”No, I mean ALL RSS feeds. Like every one on the internet.”
Me: ”That’s not possible.”
Client: ”Yes it is, I read an article about how...
Craigslist Strikes Again
Underpaying designers just isn’t offensive enough anymore.
“Looking for an edgy, hip logo for our art event to debut spring 2011 in Atlanta. To enter the contest you pay $10.00, submit your design and if we choose your design you will win $100.00 plus VIP admission to the show!”
Actual email from a band
k so we want album work done,just a cover fpr a cd and of course a logo on it we are releasing an E.P that is we are pying about $2000 for and we want it to be superb.. we want it to be really super cool and epic. detailed and precise our budget.. we will discuss it. we want an angelic demon hybrid, holding a very hot and innocent, dead, sort of cut up but not mutilated young woman in the air as...
”Since you have over-bid our project, can you recommend anyone who has your exact same design skills and client facing abilities for half the cost?”
Client: “That logo looks awesome, thanks! We’re going to go with that design.”
Me: “Great, I’ll put the high res files on a CD and drop it off to your office this afternoon, and you can write me a cheque for payment.”
Client: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. We think that instead of “traditional” payment, we would like to put you on...
I ask for 50 percent up-front payment on all projects. A client argued with me that it was not possible for him to make said up-front payment because he didn’t want to be bamboozled in the event I took the money and ran without doing work.
The up-front payment was $4.
Me: ”I will create a login box on your website. Once someone registers and logs in, the website will recognize who the user is and provide relevant content.”
Client: ”That sounds great. However, instead of a login box I’d like to use biometrics to identify the user.”
Me: ”Not sure what you mean.”
Client: ”When someone visits the website, I want...