March 2010
“Let’s negotiate on the price. Don’t forget, my wife can do this for free.”
Blue skies thinking
Client: “I love what you have come up with here, but I feel what we need here is some blue skies thinking.”
Me: “(pause for effect) Can you explain what you mean?”
Client: “You know, think outside of the box, push the envelope. I just don’t think we are both singing from the same hymn sheet on this one.”
Me: “(Pause again) Can you explain, without...
February 2010
“Our main goal is to get people to sign up to our newsletter, thus a huge green...”
Leather/Carpet Samplings
For a brief period I was working for this web development company for small to medium sizes business. This is a conversation I had with one of their car upholstery clients after I just received a package containing over 100 leather and fabric samples.
Me: …and was hoping you could elaborate what it is you wish me to do with these. Scan each and add them to your site?
Client: Yes.
::after...
5 Words I hate, and hear daily:
Just have fun with it.
Nowadays, employers seem to think that all graphic design work is done by software and that the employees are just doing data-entry. I’ve even seem job offers that refer to graphic artists as “computer operators,” rather than the trained and (hopefully) experienced professionals they are.
However, a few years ago, art directors and account managers had more respect for the...
“I’ve decided that the amount you invoiced us for is far too much. Here’s my...”
Computer graphics
While discussing the price for a big budget commercial (over 40 sec. full of complex CGI, rendered for multiple resolutions from TV to cinema…)
Client: “We just don’t understand why should we pay more than $10.000 for something that’s done on a computer?!”
“We like the woman in the wheelchair, but we don’t want people to think being in...”
A client called complaining that she couldn’t access the company website. When I get there, this is what she had typed in the URL field: “the company website”.
“Next time we meet, you might wear something a little more low cut. We’ll get...”
International website
After creating and delivering a website as requested I received an email from the owner of the business asking to translate the website.The email was originally from his partner.
“Hey [Owner’s Name] can you ask [my Name] to translate the website to at least 5 or 6 languages?, my son sent me a link to Babelfish and I think it would be a wasted opportunity if we only have the website in...
Craigslist Ad
I am looking for a web designer/ business partner to share in a wealth of profit with a potential for millions. With out letting the cat out of the bag I need someone to set up a website, paid membership, with a forum for posting. It must be able to handle hundreds of thousand of hits per day. All compensation will be based on a percentage earned.
“Tell your designer he can’t leave until tomorrow morning, I may want to change...”
Client: “Can you re-touch the hat off the man?”
Me: “Yes, what kind of hair would you like?”
Client: “You will see when you take the hat off.”
Logo/Design/Development/Mobile in 10 Days
The following timing outline was part of a project brief I received on February 23 2010.
TIMING:
02/23/2010 – Agreement to brief and hourly rate
02/25/2010 – Design Review # 1 – Logo, Website
02/30/2010 – Design Review # 2 – Logo, Website, mobile interface
03/01/2010 – Final Graphics aligned to and logo files delivered
03/03/2010 – HTML/CSS completed
The website was being built from...
“We don’t like the slideshow at the beginning of the movie. Can’t you turn the...”
“I hear there’s a lot of new web technology since we last spoke.. Can you put all...”
Client: “The blue isn’t right.”
Me: “What PMS color are we trying to match?”
Client: “Oh, you know, the color of the Texas sky around daybreak.”
A Great Loss
Good job in not replying to my email.
I went to your website and sent the email below, eight days ago, concerning an older theme you developed for tumblr. Here’s a lesson in business and networking for you. You don’t know who I am or who my contacts are. From my tumblr page and my email you wouldn’t guess that I ALSO have a masters degree in business, another masters in...
Red or debt...
“No red, we don’t like to use red. It makes people think of being in debt and we don’t want people to think they will be in debt if they come to us.”
From the perspective of being an in-house designer:
Boss: “We want to use the name Auburn as our mass market name, but spelled A U B E R N instead of the traditional.”
Me: “Why the E?”
Boss: “If we spelled it with a U, we wouldn’t be able to sell our products in the south because of those people’s hatred and rivalry with Auburn University.”
Me:...
“I hate this new font. Use the first one I showed you. This one makes the site look cheap instead of elegant.”
The ‘cheap’ font was Georgia, the ‘elegant’ font was Georgia Italic.
Client: “We will no longer be needing your services, you took too long.”
Me: “[after several timely rounds of revisions] I’m sorry, perhaps I don’t understand, but isn’t the timeline not complete for another two months?”
Client: “All we have received so far are proofs and concepts. We hired you to design us a logo.”
Me: “Yes, but...
Client: “I didn’t get anything.”
Us: “Sorry, our email is down.”
Client: “Can you just fax me the animated gif so I can see how it looks?”
Us: “Well, it’s about a dozen frames. (Joking) So we’d have to fax it like a flip book.”
Client: “Okay.”
Client: “We’d like to illustrate the power of our new product in the PowerPoint presentation. So we’d like to have a man in a business suit flying through the air with a cape, but we want the cape to be a screenshot of our website”
Me: “…”
Website in a Drawer
Client: “I’ve got this website, but could you put it on a CD so my customers can view it easier?”
Me: “They’ll be viewing it on a computer, right? Do they not have internet?”
Client: “They have internet, but this way if they want to view my material, they can quickly pull the CD out of their desk drawer and put it in the computer. This way if they want...
Bang Bang!
My current client just asked me to put pictures of .45 hollowpoint bullets next to every item on a list, and when the user clicks the link, it makes a gun shot sound. He’s not selling ammunition, he’s selling clothes and jewelry.
Change isn't constant
The developer of a client site I was working on was adamant that the 5 year old design that channelled 1999 methodologies didn’t need changing. The developer insisted that the users would get angry. Developer: “There’s a Chinese proverb that says a woman born with a limp will refuse a good leg since she’s used to her situation.” Me: “You’d rather...
Web 5.0
Client: ”We want the interface to be edgy and all Web 5.0.”
Me: ”Web 5.0 doesn’t exist. Web 2.0 is an accepted standard and 3.0 is still just theoretical discussion at this point.”
Client: ”Exactly! If our site is first to market with Web 5.0 we get to set the standards and everybody that comes after will have to pay us royalties!”
...
Text from a client at 7 PM on a Sunday night: “I have to run downtown just now to pick something up. Will you come with me to keep me company.”
“When the user logs in I want there to be an animation of a bank safe opening....”
Tanks
Received a very sweet and short email from a potential client: “I can’t imagine this would interest you, but I build tanks.”
Google knows all
Client: “I don’t think your fee is resonable for the amount of work you did.”
Me: “We had agreed on this fee in the beginning.”
Client: “That was 2 months ago, this is now.”
Me: “You have changed your mind? Well I could go through the creation process and justify why the fee came to this.”
Client: “That was until i googled it.”
...
“Can you add a menu to the beginning of this VHS tape? You know, like a DVD so...”
“I need a website. The information on the website is top secret, so I need it to...”
“We were thinking if you just photoshopped the lamp off the table, you’d be able...”
“Wait, you’re working on other projects? For the money I’m paying, you should be...”
“So, your sales rep showed us a commercial we really liked that was shot on green...”
Client: “I have three new images to add to your workload this month.”
Me: “We have already reached the limit on my retainer for the month, so these will have to be pushed forward to next month.”
Client: “But i still have images left over from the retainer from September!”
Me: “I am not AT&T. I do not come with roll over.”
Yo dawg im startin an entertainment company nd i need an emblem that looks lyk a gnome. i dnt know if u cn help a brotha out man. oh nd our slogan is GNOMES AINT SMURFS pls dawg i wanna put u in.
-sms at 19.09.03 on 21 Jan ‘10
Payment Options
Me: “Ok, the bid is $2,500 what payment schedule works best for you? I can take a deposit of 10% up front and you can pay the balance on delivery OR I can discount the entire project by 10% if you pay the entire bid in advance.”
Client: “Oh, I’ll take the discount and pay it all in advance.”
Me: “Ok, well then I’ll get started just as soon as I receive...
Email from client: I’ve attached an image. Could you make it HD and send it back?
*attached jpeg with dimensions: 32px by 54px*
Client: “[Indian outsourcer] says he can do this site for $200. Why should I go with you?”
Me: “Has he done any work for you in the past?”
Client: Yeah! He did [Other Site] for me.
[I load the other site]
Me: “The entire site’s done in Flash.”
Client: “Huh?”
Me: “It’s a site for iPhone users.”
Client: “I know. ...
Client: “I want you to build a very simple blog for my business. How much would that be?”
Me: “$XX for the whole thing.”
Client: “Add $10 more, and i want you to also add subtitles to these videos, and write some articles for the blog.”
“Ok, my content is not ready yet. Can you upload an ‘under...”
Highlight
After designing a new brochure and preparing a draft copy, I went through it with my line manager. He highlighted (with yellow and orange flouresant markers) words and text that he wanted to bring to the attention of the MD for his final approval. We then presented it to the MD and asked for his thoughts, which were “I like it, and I like these bright yellow and orange parts. You should...
“We are rebranding our e-commerce site. You have 3 days to come up with a logo. 3...”
