January 2011
Received on Christmas Day
Client: “Please change the file name of the document and send it back to me ASAP. I need this done immediately.”
Received on Christmas Day
Client: “Please change the file name of the document and send it back to me ASAP. I need this done immediately.”
December 2010
I created a poster for an organization that had the name of a food in their name. The event was also featuring a fairly well established musical act and so I put “[Organization] presents: [Band-Name].” I received a flaming message back from the client that said:
“A food cannot PRESENT a band, it should say FEATURING.”
This was only one in a series of extremely anal,...
I created a poster for an organization that had the name of a food in their name. The event was also featuring a fairly well established musical act and so I put “[Organization] presents: [Band-Name].” I received a flaming message back from the client that said:
“A food cannot PRESENT a band, it should say FEATURING.”
This was only one in a series of extremely anal,...
“Make it not as readable.”
“Make it not as readable.”
“Vacant space should be filled properly.”
“Vacant space should be filled properly.”
Client: “I want the website finished by tomorrow.”
Me: “Sorry, tomorrow is Christmas and I’ll be with my family tonight and tomorrow.”
Client: “Do I look like Santa Claus? Get it done.”
Client: “I want the website finished by tomorrow.”
Me: “Sorry, tomorrow is Christmas and I’ll be with my family tonight and tomorrow.”
Client: “Do I look like Santa Claus? Get it done.”
[Dialogue started through the contact form on our website.]
Client: ”Hello. My name is [xxx] and I am the creator of [xxx] software in India. We looking for a marketing agency to help us with business development in the United States. Let me know you are interested, thanks.”
Me: ”We’re very interested! It looks like you have a great product and I think we can help you...
[Dialogue started through the contact form on our website.]
Client: ”Hello. My name is [xxx] and I am the creator of [xxx] software in India. We looking for a marketing agency to help us with business development in the United States. Let me know you are interested, thanks.”
Me: ”We’re very interested! It looks like you have a great product and I think we can help you...
“Please email me back the file. I sent you the only copy I have.”
“Please email me back the file. I sent you the only copy I have.”
Me: ”You said earlier you want build business website to be done by me?”
Client: ”Yes, i still want to do the same.”
Me: ”What’s your budget?”
Client: “I have 500 business cards with me. Are you interested?”
Me: ”You said earlier you want build business website to be done by me?”
Client: ”Yes, i still want to do the same.”
Me: ”What’s your budget?”
Client: “I have 500 business cards with me. Are you interested?”
Client: “I want something breakthrough, something no one’s ever seen before. But proven.”
Me: “So you want proven breakthrough?”
Client: “Exactly.”
Client: “I want something breakthrough, something no one’s ever seen before. But proven.”
Me: “So you want proven breakthrough?”
Client: “Exactly.”
Fifteen years ago, I worked for a fledgling web design company that, because of its fratboy owner, attracted more than the normal share of creeps, nutjobs, and sociopaths. About three weeks after starting up, the owner referred us to a friend of his who was a VP for one of the biggest ISPs in the Southwest. The VP claimed that his company’s design company was overloaded with work, and...
Fifteen years ago, I worked for a fledgling web design company that, because of its fratboy owner, attracted more than the normal share of creeps, nutjobs, and sociopaths. About three weeks after starting up, the owner referred us to a friend of his who was a VP for one of the biggest ISPs in the Southwest. The VP claimed that his company’s design company was overloaded with work, and...
Once In A Lifetime
Me: I estimate this small website to be about 30 hours of work.
Client: 30 hours? Dont be modest, I know lots of people making websites and it’s not easy. Make it 40 hours and I will agree.
Me: Okay!
Once In A Lifetime
Me: I estimate this small website to be about 30 hours of work.
Client: 30 hours? Dont be modest, I know lots of people making websites and it’s not easy. Make it 40 hours and I will agree.
Me: Okay!
Google Analytics
Me: “We will set you up with Google Analytics.”
Client: “No way. I don’t want that.”
Me: “Why not? its great!”
Client: “My wife has it on her website and she only gets 50 hits a month. No thanks. Get me something else.”
Google Analytics
Me: “We will set you up with Google Analytics.”
Client: “No way. I don’t want that.”
Me: “Why not? its great!”
Client: “My wife has it on her website and she only gets 50 hits a month. No thanks. Get me something else.”
During the presentation I kept getting distracted because the partner who didn’t know english would type into a little machine that looked like a labelmaker, then he’d look up, puzzled, and type again on the machine.
Halfway through the presentation it dawned on me that he was typing the filler into an English to Spanish translation device, and couldn’t get “Lorem ipsum...
Website in a Drawer
Client: “I’ve got this website, but could you put it on a CD so my customers can view it easier?”
Me: “They’ll be viewing it on a computer, right? Do they not have internet?”
Client: “They have internet, but this way if they want to view my material, they can quickly pull the CD out of their desk drawer and put it in the computer. This way if they want...
During the presentation I kept getting distracted because the partner who didn’t know english would type into a little machine that looked like a labelmaker, then he’d look up, puzzled, and type again on the machine.
Halfway through the presentation it dawned on me that he was typing the filler into an English to Spanish translation device, and couldn’t get “Lorem ipsum...
Bang Bang!
My current client just asked me to put pictures of .45 hollowpoint bullets next to every item on a list, and when the user clicks the link, it makes a gun shot sound. He’s not selling ammunition, he’s selling clothes and jewelry.
“My advice for you is this: ban jerking off amongst your web developers for the...”
– angry client following my termination of their contract.
“Can you just take High School Musical’s exact MySpace and just photoshop my...”
Client: ”Can you make the site so that it doesn’t show any products until someone has completed a survey? We want to gain valuable feedback from them first.” Me: ”So let me get this straight. You don’t want to sell products to someone until you can collect valuable marketing data that helps you to sell products to people?” Client: ”Yes.”
Client: ”I can’t access our site!”
Me: ”Ok, I can access it fine. Can you access any other sites?”
Client: ”No I’m on the beach.”
Me: ”Is there internet on the beach?”
Client: ”No! But you told me we could access the site from anywhere, think how many prospective clients are at the beach right now.”
Me: ”I think...
Web 5.0
Client: ”We want the interface to be edgy and all Web 5.0.”
Me: ”Web 5.0 doesn’t exist. Web 2.0 is an accepted standard and 3.0 is still just theoretical discussion at this point.”
Client: ”Exactly! If our site is first to market with Web 5.0 we get to set the standards and everybody that comes after will have to pay us royalties!”
...
It looks better anyway
I’m an in-house designer at a local event promotions agency. We focus primarily on small bands and small theatre shows — not cool ones, but mostly the friends of my boss: blue grass, swing, kid’s theatre, everyone way old or way young. We stay in business because we’ve got two large contracts out and I’ll be surprised if the company lasts after those contracts expire.
I was given the...
A Kind of Betrayal
A while ago I was working on a freelance job and I was in the design stage. So I mocked up a few designs and sent them off to the client.
She called me the next day, a bit disturbed and seemingly offended.
Client: “Yeah, Hi. I wanted to talk about the designs. I wanted to ask you about what these naked girls are doing on my website.”
Me: “Naked girls? .. Sorry, what?”
Client: “Well, I’ve...
“Innovation should be obvious.”
“I want them to know that it’s Christmas! Make the reindeer picture the...”
On Dirt
As a relatively new designer, I met with a client in order to create a logo and a series of brochures. At the meeting, the clients told me that eventually they’d want me to create their website. Being a newbie and wanting to nab the client, I lowballed the cost for the branding so that I could get the website. After sending a proposal for the site, they told me that it wasn’t in their budget at...
A client wanted an e-commerce store designed. We asked if she had a budget, and she said, “No; it costs what it costs.” My partner and I proposed a very reasonable price and in the proposal, we stated that additional hours would be billed at $60 per hour. She refused to even look at the proposal, handing it off to one of the interns to “deal with it.” The project wore on for about three months and...
“Can you just take High School Musical’s exact MySpace and just photoshop my...”
Client: You told me, you’ve changed XY but you didn’t.
Me: Yes, I have. In order to see the changes you have to empty your cache and reload the site.
Client: Empty what? How do I do that?
Me: (explaining the way through the menus…)
Client: Stop. I can’t explain this to all my visitors. This is too complicated and I never had to do this before on any website. You have to make it work without...
Right, we're the crooks...
Me: “I just wanted to let you know that we’re approaching the 50 hour budget set for your project and I’ll need to begin assessing an hourly rate for anything that goes over.”
Client: ”I don’t understand, why are we going beyond the budget?!”
Me: ”Most of it comes from all of the additional scope that you added. It breaks our agreement but I agreed...
More Roundy
Client: “Can you take the edges in and make it more roundy and less squarey.”
Subconscious projections
I was designing a series of posters advertising retirement accounts for a credit union. One had an elderly couple walking on a beach, holding hands, silhouetted against a sunset; another had a similar couple looking into the horizon from the bow of a cruise ship. The tagline on both was something to the effect of “It’s your retirement, what do you want from it?” The comments on...
Last Call for Betrayal Posts
We’re still looking for horror stories of client betrayal — heinous instances of clients refusing to pay invoices, demanding additional features or straight up taking advantage of you. Often, experiences like these aren’t even funny — they’re just simply shocking. If you’ve got a cautionary tale, we’d love to publish it in our forthcoming book: Submit!
“Build me a website that looks like Edward Cullen from Twilight. I don’t...”
Great Work
Client: “I am very happy with the website, and so excited to get this launched so we can move forward with our careers.
By the way, if you don’t get these last set of changes done within the next few weeks, I will hire a new set of developers and deduct 50% of whatever their costs are from your final payment. I think that’s only fair.”
“Will the final file print out to look more like a matte or glossy finish? Can’t quite tell from looking at my screen.”
