October 2010
Client: “Favorite Visual Artist? What the hell does that mean? Where are you from? We Americans don’t know what you mean by ‘visual artists’. You mean actor? If so, my answer would be Johnny Depp.”
More french
Client: “Can the word ‘apparel’ have an accent so that it looks more French?”
Me: “The French word doesn’t have an accent.”
Client: “Fine. Nevermind.”
“We love the site, we think it is perfect. However, it does not increase out brand awarness; reason, the background is confusing when staring at it either drunk or high.”
“You’re pretty enough to be a stripper. If this ‘graphic design...”
Client: We’re moving to another host, you need to help us!
Me: I’d love to, but my wife is in labor right now.
Client: Do you understand our website is down?
Client: I’m don’t pay for design! Design is your responsibility as designer!
We provide hosting for a client who works in a neighbouring state. Due to some server issues their site was down for an hour, which lead to the following abusive, 30 minute long phone conversation which included the following:
Client: “We don’t even know what you people look like! You haven’t even flown down to see us! Frankly I think that’s disgusting.”
Client: “I want an iPad app.”
Me: “For what purpose?”
Client: “I don’t know, I just want an iPad app.”
Client: ”This brochure you’ve designed for me.”
Me: ”Yes, did you like it?”
Client: ”Oh, it’s fine. Just one thing though. That photo on page 3…”
Me: “Yes?”
Client: ”The one with the black man in it. Please take it out. We don’t have any of those around here.”
[We never renewed his contract.]
Client: “Hey, sorry to call you on your holiday. My boss has found out about me running a business on the side and has blocked me from accessing my webmail. I just need you to log in and read some emails to me.”
“I don’t know what you do, how you do it or how long it takes, but I am not...”
“Please call me if you don’t receive this email.”
“I want it to roar like lion. Like a digital lion.. Actually, let’s add a lion...”
– Client sells home insurance.
Client: “This bill is a bit premature, don’t you think? I sent you an email last night saying that I would be not paying for the artwork until you re-sent it to me named as the following: McCainnsFamilyReunionFile.pdf NOT 10045 McCainns-FINAL.pdf. I don’t even know what 10045 means. Why would you put that on there?”
Client: “I need you to make me a Flash banner ad that shows a cartoon guy hitting himself over the head with a hammer and then stars come out of his head and he says something like, “We must be crazy to charge such low prices!” And I want some funny cartoon music playing the whole time. Is this something you’re comfortable with?”
Client: “The webmail is down, it says server error.”
Me: “Alright, let’s take a look …. It says invalid password, did you know you have caps lock on?”
Client: “Does that make a difference?”
“It’s not eye catching enough.. I tried to show it to my dog, and she wanted...”
Me: “So go ahead and clear your cache and the changes should be made.”
Client: “No. Everytime you ask me to clear the cache, it screws up all of my usernames for websites. I’ve had enough. I have several government websites that I log into and I can’t enter in all of the information every time. If you can’t fix the site, I am going to have to find someone...
“My budget doesn’t care about user experience.”
Client: “These JPEG photos are only 5616 pixels in resolution and they’re only about 5MB each. They’re clearly taken by an amateur photographer with a pocket camera. We need them to be at least 20MB to print properly”
[Converts to BMP so they’re all about 50MB each]
Client: “Great, these are perfect!”
