October 2010
Me: “Unfortunately some of the images you sent over cant be used as they are the wrong file type.”
Client: “Oh, okay. Which files?”
Me: “The animated GIFs.”
Client: “So why can’t they be used for the brochure?”
My partner and I were rather excited to have the opportunity to work on an iPhone app for a client that wanted to release a game. Considering it was our first iPhone app related project, we were rather lenient about the contract, and agreed to present some concepts of the game first.
Client: ”These look great! I would like to continue on with this project.”
Us: ”Glad you like...
Client: ”The site looks terrible. The columns don’t line up, and the text is all over the place. I’m seriously concerned. We had an agreement and I will not pay your invoice until you resolve these issues. “
Me: ”The site looks fine to me in Chrome, IE, Firefox and Safari. Which browser are you using?”
Client: ”I use Internet Explorer on a Mac.”
...
“The concrete in the images has to be pale grey not light grey. Please change it...”
“Our partners have asked for a company logo in vector format with a link to our...”
I'm not racist
I had to design a book for the history of an African American church in my area. The job was a nightmare. It was pieced together from pdfs, word doc files, spread sheets and terrible scans. After 80 hours of work the bindery made an error and put the books in a black cover, not the requested navy blue. The client wanted a discount on the job because of the error to which I reported to my manager...
Years ago, I was young, naive and unemployed. While browsing the graphic design magazines in a book store, an older man approached me.
Client: “I see you look really interested in graphic design. I’m looking to hire a graphic designer.”
Me: “Wow, really? I’m looking for a job right now!”
Client: “Let me get you some information about my company....
Client: “Why is the text slanty?”
Me: “It is in italics.”
Client: “No, it is slanty.”
Me: “It’s called italics.”
Client: “I don’t care what you call it, make it stop.”
Client: ”A hundred dollars?! For a hundred dollars, I would expect a hundred logos!”
I designed an invitation for a client who apparently felt that it was not their place to proofread. They sent me numerous emails explaining how unprofessional I was because I apparently don’t know how to spell (of course, the mistakes weren’t made by me).
“I’m sure it’s going to be much less correction when the spelling of a basic English words is wright”.
Client: “Favorite Visual Artist? What the hell does that mean? Where are you from? We Americans don’t know what you mean by ‘visual artists’. You mean actor? If so, my answer would be Johnny Depp.”
More french
Client: “Can the word ‘apparel’ have an accent so that it looks more French?”
Me: “The French word doesn’t have an accent.”
Client: “Fine. Nevermind.”
“We love the site, we think it is perfect. However, it does not increase out brand awarness; reason, the background is confusing when staring at it either drunk or high.”
“You’re pretty enough to be a stripper. If this ‘graphic design...”
Client: We’re moving to another host, you need to help us!
Me: I’d love to, but my wife is in labor right now.
Client: Do you understand our website is down?
Client: I’m don’t pay for design! Design is your responsibility as designer!
We provide hosting for a client who works in a neighbouring state. Due to some server issues their site was down for an hour, which lead to the following abusive, 30 minute long phone conversation which included the following:
Client: “We don’t even know what you people look like! You haven’t even flown down to see us! Frankly I think that’s disgusting.”
Client: “I want an iPad app.”
Me: “For what purpose?”
Client: “I don’t know, I just want an iPad app.”
Client: ”This brochure you’ve designed for me.”
Me: ”Yes, did you like it?”
Client: ”Oh, it’s fine. Just one thing though. That photo on page 3…”
Me: “Yes?”
Client: ”The one with the black man in it. Please take it out. We don’t have any of those around here.”
[We never renewed his contract.]
Client: “Hey, sorry to call you on your holiday. My boss has found out about me running a business on the side and has blocked me from accessing my webmail. I just need you to log in and read some emails to me.”
“I don’t know what you do, how you do it or how long it takes, but I am not...”
“Please call me if you don’t receive this email.”
“I want it to roar like lion. Like a digital lion.. Actually, let’s add a lion...”
– Client sells home insurance.
Client: “This bill is a bit premature, don’t you think? I sent you an email last night saying that I would be not paying for the artwork until you re-sent it to me named as the following: McCainnsFamilyReunionFile.pdf NOT 10045 McCainns-FINAL.pdf. I don’t even know what 10045 means. Why would you put that on there?”
Client: “I need you to make me a Flash banner ad that shows a cartoon guy hitting himself over the head with a hammer and then stars come out of his head and he says something like, “We must be crazy to charge such low prices!” And I want some funny cartoon music playing the whole time. Is this something you’re comfortable with?”
Client: “The webmail is down, it says server error.”
Me: “Alright, let’s take a look …. It says invalid password, did you know you have caps lock on?”
Client: “Does that make a difference?”
“It’s not eye catching enough.. I tried to show it to my dog, and she wanted...”
Me: “So go ahead and clear your cache and the changes should be made.”
Client: “No. Everytime you ask me to clear the cache, it screws up all of my usernames for websites. I’ve had enough. I have several government websites that I log into and I can’t enter in all of the information every time. If you can’t fix the site, I am going to have to find someone...
“My budget doesn’t care about user experience.”
Client: “These JPEG photos are only 5616 pixels in resolution and they’re only about 5MB each. They’re clearly taken by an amateur photographer with a pocket camera. We need them to be at least 20MB to print properly”
[Converts to BMP so they’re all about 50MB each]
Client: “Great, these are perfect!”
“I need you to keep the colors, fonts and layout the same. Please just make make...”
“Is the aircon on?”
[staring at breasts]
“Maybe we should turn it up.”
Phone conversation with an acquaintance of my boss. They wanted to host a server with all of the music they’d copied from CDs, pirated or downloaded from iTunes.
Me: ”Legally, I need to sway you from starting a website that charges people to download all of the music you’ve copied off of your CDs.”
Client: ”What? Why? There’s all kinds of places you can get...
I was commisioned to design a store backdrop to celebrate the World Cup so I drew a football player jumping in the air kicking the ball.
Client: “It’s perfect! Only thing is we are scared Fifa might sue us, so lose the player and the ball and just to be safe, the field too. Other than that, keep it just the way it is.”
“I want to build a website that appeals to the Amish people.”
Me: So I’ll be doing the press check on this job tomorrow evening as per the schedule to get the colours perfect.
Client [twenty years my senior and our biggest client] : I’m up for doing a breast check tomorrow evening with you!
Client: ”I want a website that sells everything that Amazon sells. We wouldn’t have a shopping cart it would go straight to Amazon’s.”
Me: ”So why would they come to your website and not Amazon?”
Client: “We will be doing product reviews and a blog on the products.”
“We have some graphics that a designer already worked on for us, but they need some clean-up work.”
[Attaches image with an iStockPhoto watermark]
Client: “I’m sending you the cover photo now.”
Me: “Cool.”
Client: “It’s a cute photo, but please be sure to cover up the little boy’s penis.”
To wrap up a meeting, I told a client I’d give him a call if I needed anything. He replied (in front of my entire team), “Oh, really? Well, that’d be just great. You can call me anytime. I’m available at night. Late, late at night. So, you’ll call me one night?”
Woohoo!!
I was in a meeting with a new employee and we were rehearsing for a product demonstration that we were delivering as a team. The lights were off and I was standing at the front of the room by the projection screen when I said, “This is the part that really shows off what our application does. This is where we get the client excited about it.” The new employee’s immediate response...
“Sorry, you may have already told me this today but I really wasn’t...”
A client who owns a tanning studio has the initials of B.J. and she signs all of her emails “xoxo bj.” Aren’t hugs and kisses awkward enough?
Client: ”Because this is the first time that we’ve met, I want to be completely upfront and honest with you. I want to let you know that about five years ago I was in a mental institution, but then I found Jesus and he showed me a vision. That vision was what I want to discuss with you today.”
Me: ”Okay.. How can I help you?”
Client: ”I want you to design some...
Viva La France!
Client: “This looks good. I’d like for you to get together with the project manager (male) and the marketing director (female) for a little ménage à trois before the next phase of the project starts.”
Me (who was only half-listening to this point): “Excuse me?”
Client: “Hmm? oh, ménage à trois? That’s a French phrase. It means collaboration.”
I was sitting in a meeting with the marketing director going over the proposal for a 15 product rebrand when the owner of the company barges in and yells: “Is this him? I’m not going to let you retire on our dime, kid. Your work is great but you’re about $7,000 over priced compared to my cousin.” I stood up and said, “thanks for your time,” to the marketing...
“If I was ever going to sexually harass anyone, it would definitely be you.”
– Previous employer in a closed door, one-on-one meeting.
Client: ”So they say that art is a passion. Do you really think that it’s right to charge someone for something you’re passionate about?”
“I want to create a rival to Twitter. So I want it exactly the same except where it says What’s Happening? I want it to say How are you feeling?”
