I’m a graphic designer. A bar wants me to design a mascot for them. They’ve got a fairly firm image: they want a cartoon dog holding a martini.

I design a few cartoon dogs for them and let them pick which breed is their favorite. For the next project, they want me to do some word art with the dog’s name, “Ruffi”.

Me: “Uh… like a roofie?”

Client: “Yeah! It’s a word that’s associated with alcohol, and it’s a noise that a dog makes! It’s a pun! It’ll be great!”

Me: “I think maybe people will find it insensitive. Maybe name the dog ‘Hair’ or ‘Bitty’, as in ‘hair of the dog that bit you’? Or you could call it a ‘Scotch terrier’? Or, well, anything but ‘Ruffi’.”

Client: “We’re not paying you for opinions on the dog’s name.”

Me: “All right.”

One year later, the guy asked for a refund because customers found the dog’s name creepy, and it was driving away business. I pointed out our earlier email chain. He did not get a refund.

He did, however, pay me to make word art for the dog’s new name.

Me: “If you aren’t able to refresh the page, can you try right-clicking on the image for me?”

Client: “I can’t right-click; I’m using a Mac.”

Me: “You can try pressing with two fingers at once.”

Client: “But I’m left-handed.”

Client: “I want you to change my Facebook profile to a page.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll need your email login and password.”

The client sends me login information, but when I try to log in, no account information is found under that email address. I try another email I know she uses. That email is linked to her account, but the password is incorrect.

Me: “That email and password didn’t work. Do you have the correct password?”

Client: “I don’t know my password. I’m always logged in, so I don’t remember it. Please change my password to the one I just sent you.”

Me: “I can’t change anything until I log in. You can change your password if you log out and try to recover a new one.”

Client: “But if I log out, I’ll never be able to log back in again because I don’t know my password. Can’t you just change it?”

My little studio was contracted to do four pieces for a client that had a tradeshow coming up. We had never worked with the client before, so we requested reference material for their brand. For color reference, they sent us the package design they did for their boxes.

Client: “I don’t like the colors you chose; they don’t speak ‘beauty’.”

Me: “I used the exact colors from the color reference you sent.”

Client: “No, your colors don’t speak ‘beauty’. I don’t think you understand our aesthetic.”

After we submitted three different designs, the client then made their own designs in Word, using pieces from the designs we submitted. They then demanded that we remake them to be printable.

Finally, they refused to pay us more than the initial deposit.

The sales representative from my company came to me asking for a logo for “his brother’s building company”. That was all the information given, so I asked for a bit more information, like “What do they build?” and “What’s the target market?”

He then forwarded my email to his brother, accidentally CCing me and adding this line:

Client: “Can you answer these? Designers are a funny breed. He wants a brief.”